bonus thoughts .

2010-01-06T16:40:00.000-05:00

i've been surprising myself lately.

where's the fine line between overconfidence/boastfulness and remaining confident/humble?

i hope i don't annoy people. yes, people say "don't CARE what people think". no, no i say. you should care. you can't step all over people to get what you think is yours. you can't just say whatever you want to say.

i've always been a reserved person. but the BUSINESS calls for a more confident and ambitious side, one that i know i'm capable of. so, if i had to ask, which was the REAL me... i'm not sure. i just know that i'll always at least strive to be humble.

if i seem like i'm flaunting my blessings, i'm sorry. tell me so.

--

i've been finding God lately. at least, getting back in touch with my spiritual side. i have grave disappointments in the Church as an institution. Went on New Year's day, and the priest was the most egotistical, fire-and-brimstone kind of guy.. a total turn-off, a total 'if you don't do this you will DIE' kind of attitude that defied everything i learned from Catholic school for 12 years. Children are Angels of God, not "stupid." other religions like Islam and Judaism DO share the same God... and he said that the Catholic church was THE best, and our God is THE best. Bull, if you ask me.

i hope that someday, and soon, i'll work towards a better understanding of the meaning of FAITH, and HOPE. around my neck, i wear a ring that says, "faith". i want to be able to live up to that. Faith in myself, in God, in others, in my friends, family, work life, in my relationships, etc. there will be no good in having a lack of faith.

--

currently just sitting in my apartment, alone. cleaning up for a get-together tomorrow.

--

i don't want to be stuck in the status quo. and i definitely have goals and plans for the future.

--

i'll always be with you. if you need me. and that goes vice versa. i hope, and pray, and have FAITH, in my friends. that they will stand by me.

2009-11-09T12:31:00.002-05:00

can't wait to fulfill goals, one at a time.

1. GRADUATE in MAY 2010 baby.

2. Party in celebration for 2 weeks!

3. Go ABROAD, baby. Yes, FINALLY, the college-long wish to go to Japan shall be fulfilled - no if's, and's, or but's. 10 days in Japan, 3/4 weeks in the Philippines! CAN'T WAIT.

4. Find a JOB and LOVE it. Give it my all. Make a decent amount and start saving for life's middle class pleasures. Short/long term financial goals... like rent, bills, new wardrobe, a bmw 1 series.. haha.

5. Think about pursuing my MBA in a year or two! Media Management? Straight up financial ish? Career change completely? Don't know yet.

2010-2011, you'll be LIFE CHANGING.

2009-11-02T21:56:00.002-05:00

listening to melodies of life, FFIX piano collection.

11/6/08, my eulogy.

Dear Eric,

Why hello, Mr. KingEricFriday, Mr. My-favorite-color-is-blue.
It was only yesterday that i met you during cotillion practice, that we chatted online and hit it off; only yesterday that i invited you as my guest to my graduation, driving you back home through driving rain, holding your hand.
Only yesterday that we stole each other's first kiss.

Erikku-kun, there is nothing i can say that i'm sure others haven't said already. Two years ago I fell for your smarts, your quirkiness, your beautiful piano playing, your knowledge of japanese, and your gaming skills.

For that time we had together, we were able to share so much of our life stories. How can I ever forget your sweet smile, the way you looked at me, the way you were such a helping hand to others.

Remember the hammock at Catherine’s house? The summer days with friends? Our dance to “It Might Be You?” by Kai? I even gave you a mix CD. One of the songs was a piano piece I had composed and recorded for you. I called it, “His Theme,” in true Final Fantasy fashion.

Even when there was a time when we didn’t talk too often, I still thought of you and our friendship. Then as we became closer friends this past summer, we shared many more memories. You confided in me more, and I in you. Almost every day after our summer jobs we’d meet up to hang out. Ericka coined it my “entourage,” which included you, Gabe, Marc, and Justin. We went randomly to the beach, or on random drives. You even stayed awake and texted me at 5 am to say “happy 4th of july sunrise.”

Remember when i said i would always be there, even when you spoke of the void you often felt? Even though you felt doubt sometimes, you still shared your thoughts of your future. You wanted to get an apartment instead of a car, and i suggested that you buy at least a bike to get to work. In car rides or during our pizza lunches, you talked about your senior design project, your two summer jobs, your pride in being Abby’s teacher in both dance and academics. You were saving up to get some suits for ‘the real world.’ You were changing and growing, but at the same time, you were still that guy I liked and admired from two years ago. As a friend, you were awesome. As Ike or Marth, you were ready to beat my housemates in Super Smash Brothers anytime.

Did the sun rise for you now, Eric? You’re leaving all of us with so many memories, memories that won’t be forgotten. You.. will not be forgotten.

Even yesterday (or rather, this morning)… while I spent time at your house making origami and laughing alongside your friends and family, I felt your presence.
You were there when we made paper roses.
I tried hard to make one as beautiful as the ones you would make for others.
Even when I was playing the piano pieces that you inspired me to learn... you were there.
You brought us together.

I hope you don't mind that I'm writing a little something about you to share with your family and friends. You were always private, often blocking your face from pictures. Only now, Eric, I ask that you uncover your face for us to see it smiling.

I’ll see your smile every time I play Canon in C – the My Sassy Girl version, the one you taught me. I’ll see your smile whenever I eat an Oreo cookie. I’ll see your smile whenever I attempt to speak Japanese.

You know, one of the very first text messages you sent me. actually was my first lesson in Japanese. You taught me how to say ‘good night.’

So now I want to say goodnight to you, Erikku-kun. Oyasuminasai.

We’ll miss you.

Still missing you.

2009-10-10T04:03:00.002-04:00

it's nearly a year since you've been gone,
but time doesn't make me miss you less,
think of you less...

On a Typical Week...

2009-09-29T00:56:00.002-04:00

EDIT EDIT EDIT EDIT.

and by that, i mean video.

this week alone...

Monday: Targum video.
Tuesday: Student Life Marketing video.
Wednesday: Advanced TV Reporting video.
Thursday: Documentary Filmmaking video.
Friday: Student Life Marketing video.
Saturday: fall over, lose eyesight, maybe go on a video shoot or two.
Sunday: rest, rinse, repeat.

2009-09-10T00:35:00.001-04:00

Time is FLYING.

2009-08-20T20:51:00.001-04:00

like it or not... the present shapes the future.
--

an image flashes before my eyes sometimes.

reoccurring
unwavering
animosity.

it's another memory that has never happened.

untrue, fiction, false, undeniable.

i was smoking a cigarette, staring at you with hardened eyes.
you were staring back.
dyed hair. familiar face.

i inhaled
pulled the cigarette from my lips
and breathed out.

you breathed in.

your eyes never left mine.

the raising tensions
the emotions behind things unsaid
the distance between us.

familiar.

we were older.
or so it seemed.

it felt
just like it did
a long time ago.

it felt like

misunderstanding.

truth.

2009-08-16T04:33:00.003-04:00

do i want you because you're wonderful?

it's 430 AM, and Cinderella pops in my head.

i think i'm going into nostalgic / sappy mode.

so many thoughts in my head.

..
PS. Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami is probably the random-est, most poetic/descriptive/beautiful coming-of-age piece of prose that I've ever come across.

The 2nd book I've read by him.. and he's a brilliant author.
quotes/reflections to follow.

2009-08-14T11:05:00.000-04:00

Step 1: Know what your heart desires.

Step 2: GO FOR IT.

--
Thank you, ABC, for this summer.

2009-08-04T13:38:00.001-04:00

Things That Make Me Love Life Right Now:

1. The SUN. I’m that kind of person… the sun dictates my moods (most of the time). The sun is out, and I am happy. So right now, life is good. I’m content. For the first time this summer, I walked over to central park and ate lunch. Finally I get to cross that off my list. The breeze was perfect; the scenery, beautiful; the sea of people – 5 burly men walking 20 dogs, bikers, bike carriages, horses… it was a scene that makes you want to say “ahhhhhh.” Breathe in.
2. The CITY. Staying overnight in the city at the Millenium Plaza Hotel across the UN… seeing the views from the 37th floor of the city skyline… finding my way around the city on my own (even at 530AM this morning to get to work)… I’m beginning to love it more and more. There’s a vibrance that I never used to appreciate. When I was younger, I hated large places. Malls and airports scared me. The smell of NYC still does turn me off. But… I suppose because I’m older, I’m appreciating it more. Being 21 is a perk I have yet to utilize in the city though, since I’ve found no one to meet for happy hour here as of yet. But I don’t need that ‘stuff’ to make me feel like this, like breathing in the air and feeling the breeze IS just enough here.
3. The JOB. I have less than 2 weeks left here at ABC… and as much as I want to kick back and relax (the 6am shift has me sleep-deprived!), this is the kind of place I want to be. The environment: awesome. Fast-paced. Working, because I enjoy it. Great people. Supportive. I look around and see those who have been here, those who really ‘reek’ of LIKING what they do. I observe the exec’s… and their leadership shows. That’s how I want to be. I want to see all aspects of this industry. I want to know the in’s, the out’s, the good, the bad. One day, some day, I’ll be something great. Starting with today. Starting with this measly internship. Starting at 21.
4. The FRIENDS. I already praise them enough, even if they don’t realize it. Enough said in this department.
5. The BOY. Expect an even shorter, words-cannot-describe-how-I-feel response:
=].
6. The REALITY. It hits like a ton of … contentment. Goodbye, rain.
Hello, sunshine.
At least for today.

2009-07-14T20:28:00.000-04:00

Even Now - Nina .

Even now when there's someone else who cares
When there's someone home who's waiting just for me
Even now I think about you as I'm climbing up the stairs
And I wonder what to do so she won't see
That even now when I know it wasn't right
And I found a better life than what we had
Even now I wakeup crying in the middle of the night
And I can't believe it still could hurt so bad

Chorus:

Even now when I have come so far
I wonder where you are
I wonder why it's still so hard without you
Even now when I come shining through
I swear I think of you
And how I wish you knew
Even now

Even now when I never hear your name
And the world has changed so much since you been gone
Even now I still remember and the feeling's still the same
And this pain inside of me goes on and on
Even now

Even now when I have come so far
I wonder where you are
I wonder why it's still so hard without you
Even now when I come shining through
I swear I think of you
And God I wish you knew
Some how
Even now

--

Miss you, Eric.
You're never forgotten.

2009-07-06T20:23:00.004-04:00

Continuing California .

DAYS 3,4, and 5: SAN JOSE, SAN FRANCISCO, and MONTEREY BAY/CARMEL .

My memory's going to have to serve me the further and further away I get from the actual days of my Californian adventure. I'm 'behind' on my blogging, I suppose, but it's okay. The trip still had its noteworthy moments!

Let's see... after the MJ day of LA and resting, we left for the 5 hour drive (estimated time) from Los Angeles/Northridge area to San Jose (an hour away from San Fran).

After this past week of so, I've grown a great tolerance for really long car rides. I'll explain later. (I've never spent sooo many hours in a car before... driving to Canada doesn't come close).

Back to Cali. Being in a car, staring out into the desert/farmland that IS the majority of California... I realized how HUGE Cali is... and how NOT urban it is. Besides the major cities, it's all rolling hills, brown and deserted, horse-and-cow covered, full of cherries, strawberries, garlic and wine.

The car ride = downtime to think, to be introspective. My thoughts floated to friends and work back home...floated to Kentucky where my soldier was. Floated to Canada where my dad and brother are... both of whom I haven't seen since January. Floated to heaven, to another world, to a future life.

I passed by signs for a town called Hollister and laughed; stopped by a cherry stand in the middle of nowhere, reached the suburbia that is San Jose, and enjoyed the company of cousins who greeted me on my first night with some chocolate martinis and downtime.

The weekend was busy: San Francisco on Saturday, and Monterey Bay/Carmel the next.

I made many observations when around these areas, which were both about an hour away from San Jose.

SF:
- Beautiful. The BAY. A stretch of piers and events. Definitely need a car to get around to everything. The weather was chilly, and the place was CROWDED.

- Tourism included: Fisherman's Wharf; the Golden Gate; a tower to see the city from above; the world's crookedest road; and some gigantic palace thing (the name of which slips my mind, but I think I remember a planetarium being there or something).

- That palace was PHOTOSHOOT-filled. People were getting their wedding/engagement shots down left and right; actual wedding parties and sweet 16's were around, taking group shots. The best part was the shooting of a Bollywood film in front of the palace. Heard 'ACTION' and wondered if I was a tiny blurred dot in the background of the filming.

- The gay parade was going on during that weekend; I didn't get to see the festivities (must've been at another part of town).

- The roads there ARE of course insane; I'd LOVE to drive a manual there, just to see how I could handle it. I would not want to live there though... sorry, the idea of killing my brakes on the downhills and getting around in heels during driving rain/any weather for that matter... no thanks. Earthquakes? Definitely a turnoff. I felt very sad for this city - its fate will be decided by mother nature's wrath/natural occurrences.

- Had dinner in South SF - a part all on its own - at a cousin's house. A little more suburban for me, which I liked.

MONTEREY BAY:

- Very nice. This is THE place I want to take tourists if ever I go back there with friends/people who've never been around Cali. Seafood restaurants abound, an art festival going on, the water nearby... calming, charming, small-town feel. The sun was out for a hot 95, weather the locals at church said was unusually gorgeous and warm. Clam chowder vendors tried to lure people into their restaurants with their samples. I got a tattoo there - oh but don't worry, it's a henna of a dolphin made by a nice Indian lady who I found out grew up in Jersey. What a small world.

CARMEL:

- A small, rich community which was only a few miles from Monterey... a place where I experienced the odd phenomenon that is FOG. That's right, fog. What WAS 95 degrees and sunny in Monterey soon became 60 and foggy, cold and windy. And to think, these places were only a few miles away from each other... but the hilly community, once blanketed in fog, made the beautiful beach in Carmel a freeze fest. The many many people who were there - no doubt to soak up the sun - soon began to leave. A man flying a kite had some difficulty. That was highly amusing. My nieces buried my foot in the sand. The sand was cold. I was cold. My nephew and I discovered a creature which looked like a mutated squirrel.

- Nevertheless the community was nice, highlighted by its beach and small-town expensive shopping district. Drive a benz here and you'll fit in. A nice weekend escape town.

- Apparently this is the hood of Clint Eastwood. He was once the mayor here. [I watched Gran Torino when I got back to the LA area.]

- Went back to San Jose and ate at a Japanese restaurant with a real SUSHI TRAIN - that was awesome. Played some bball (though lazily) til the sun went down with my nieces, nephew, and cousin. Rested for the drive back to the LA area.

- We were going to take the coastal route instead, which would take longer, but would be more scenic than the inland route we took on the way up to San Jose. Plans were to stay in a sleepy coastal town called Morrow Bay, then finally make it down to the LA area.

Segway into the "to-be-continued" section.

To be continued.

Yours truly,
AB.

2009-07-03T00:28:00.003-04:00

California, continued .

I had been meaning to blog nearly every day about my daily encounters in California, but I didn't have internet at my base in San Jose (where I stayed while in NorCal). On top of that, I was WAY too busy to actually have time to blog.

It's not going to be as detailed, but let me try my best to recall what I've done for the past week.

DAY 2: DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES.

It was a sunny Thursday, and I was ready to drive once again. This time, my destination was Los Angeles - the Hollywood stars and the fancy homes. I was under the weather, and so felt hindered; nevertheless, I made the relatively easy drive down to LA. The sun was out. Part of the street in front of the Chinese Theater and the Kodak Theater were closed - the premiere of 'Bruno' was being set up.

After some walking and picture taking, I joined the LACityTours bus tour of Hollywood homes.
My tour time was scheduled for 1130AM, but it left around 12PM. After driving past many famous people's homes, seeing the Hollywood sign from a vantage point, the tour made its way down to Bel Air and that area.

ENTER THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY TRIP - seeing fire trucks and personnel outside of Michael Jackson's home. We didn't see much, and I certainly didn't expect much of it - at the time, I only thought it was a fire alarm issue or something... but there was a man who appeared to be a security guard shooing away a new set of paparazzi that had just arrived. Other cars drove in and stopped and looked; beyond the gate was an ambulance. Two asian onlookers peered in. Pro photogs tried to snap pictures. A 'really tall transvestite' (quoting my tour guide) appeared on the street. A woman left from the house and walked across the street.

I managed to get 4, not-so-impressive pictures. The rest, as described above, came from memory.

Later, after the tour, I really felt like crap, and so went back to my LA base in San Marino. My friend texted me in uppercase letters: MICHAEL JACKSON JUST DIED... to which I replied: Really? I was just at his house!

And thus began the onslaught of media that I STILL see today. My thoughts first flew to work, and how they probably went nuts over this. I wanted to call and tell them what I had seen, to forward them my 4 mediocre photos of fire trucks and his street's sign. I tried to send some, but the photos/email got bounced back. I realized I was 1. lucky to have been there but 2. probably wouldn't be the only one with first-hand photos. I later saw amateur video of what I had seen - someone sent it in as an iReporter thing - and I realized I was just ONE person with a camera at that moment.

I still wanted to feel a little like a reporter - and figured that it might not have hurt to try sending some photos. In the end, I figured it was my journalistic instinct and joy over being at MJ's house during such a momentous / memorable moment that caused me to NOT want to mix my experience with WORK. Some said, "sell the photos!" but I just wanted to tip off my company, my network.

In the end, I was just happy that 'coverage found ME' as a friend put it... and it was an experience I will never forget.

If I really wanted to go nuts, I would've asked to get off the tour bus, walk up to the house with my d90, shoot photos like crazy, and call it into my work. But I didn't - I didn't think much of it at the time - and I'm perfectly okay with that.

Ahh. That's all I thought about afterwards.. my journalistic instincts clashing with my feeling ill and the thoughts of MJ as marathons of his music played throughout the radio stations.

I laid down for the rest of the evening, tylenol'd and fighting illness (praying to God it wasn't swine flu)... and concluding day 2 with a nice italian dinner - salmon and spinach ... one of my favorites.

--

As usual, more to follow.

2009-06-25T02:01:00.003-04:00

Greetings from San Marino, California.

As several friends have instructed me, I'm supposed to regale them with stories, display works of art on websites... but most of all, they all seem to genuinely wish me happy and safe travels.

This is why they are my friends. How I love them so.
=]

It is 1114 PM here, but my laptop's clock says 2:14AM. Good old Eastern Standard Time.

For the next two weeks (well, in actuality, less than that now), I will be traveling. Consider this to be a mini-series of sorts - and so whenever I get the chance, I will update this.

Day one in the beautiful, sunny suburbs of Los Angeles county has been great. Flew in last night on a relatively peaceful flight - a great, modern airplane. My motion sickness was pacified by drugs, my excitement and apprehension appeased by the presence of "A Walk to Remember" and "Galileo" (episode 1) on my laptop. I slept for half the ride, and awoke to the thousands of lights shining through the night that brought Los Angeles to life.

Today, I went to In-and-Out. Had to. I'd say it was pretty good; and REALLY good for budget-minded folks. (cheap burgers! decent size! see the Zagat guide / review of FAST FOOD. Link to follow.)

I played driver to three old farts - my mother and her two sisters. Don't worry, I feel no qualms in saying 'old farts,' as they 1. are well-aware of this and 2. they constantly joke about it, perhaps a little too much. So me, driving around the suburbs of California... it felt awesome.

Went to an awesome but huge place called Huntington Library. It was not just a library! It contained several art galleries and botanical gardens. I fell in love with the place, especially the botanical gardens of all sorts. It was photo shoot heaven, and pro/amateur photogs were crawling the place (on a random Wednesday, no doubt).
I definitely put a checkmark in my head, saying: "I will return here. I will take lots of portrait photos." ... and certainly thoughts like this crossed me head: "This would be a great place to have my engagement/wedding photos done. This is a great place. This is a great place. So many places. So many photo ideas."

Photos will definitely be posted on ABstudios when I get the chance. It's ABOUT TIME I updated that. Truth be told, I hadn't whipped out my camera since final exams and the semester ended... so for nearly two months, my camera was stowed away. I had been meaning to bring it to the city to take photos after work (Central park, surrounding area, etc)... but hadn't gotten the chance.

Well, my camera's back in action. Only it's thousands of miles away.

This trip seems more of a reflective one; I, the only 21-year-old around... I, defining my role as a 21-year-old on the cusp of 'real life'... I, no longer the child who hangs with the children, yet can't fit in with the whackiness/ideals of the older generation.

Ah, yes. Hollywood and downtown LA tomorrow.

PHOTOS and THOUGHTS to follow.

Goodnight for now.

2009-06-14T22:36:00.002-04:00

ひさしぶりですね。
(it has been a long time.)

hello there, oh blog of mine. i have not neglected you; i have simply been 1. too busy! and 2. afraid to blog... because i now work for a major company. when you google my name, a lot of my social networking sites come up (twitter and blogspot, for example). though this is the general direction of this next generation / is a sign of the times, i'm still not used to censoring myself when it comes to writing.. so i have to be careful.

summer 2009 has been different.
i'm working full time.. doing the daily grind at ABC in NYC. i love my work there.. and wish i could divulge my skill-sets... the learning experiences i've had for the past month, etc. in general, i've been taught that you truly need to love what you do in order to succeed. and secondly, you need to meet the task with professionalism, seriousness, but also maintain a certain comraderie with co-workers. as if my previous working experiences have not taught me this already... but i need to really prove myself at this internship. i have many talents.. but no one will know that unless i show them. all in good time. i'm hoping and praying that i will continue to impress and push push push.

even if i really want a free summer.. a summer of travel and being with friends.. it isn't what i need to do right now. i know i need to work and have fun. i need to balance.

the only thing that i lack is sleep and down time. i need to schedule that into my life too.. it is important. they say that less sleep can equate to depression/apathy/feeling like sh*t. i believe that. it's true. i need to get shut-eye to keep level-headed.

what has occupied my free time as of late...?
watching sappy/romantic/funny japanese dramas. of course, hanging out with friends as well (perhaps a little too much). they make me giddy as a young girl (the dramas), hopeful and wishful for romantic encounters like those i see in tv (a thin slice of hope that such shows/movies can come true. haha). the hangouts with friends keep me sane and also enhance my appreciation for friendship and loved ones... more than i tell each and every one of them. they are very important to my well-being, and i hope that i can give them something in return.

i suppose this is a 'to-be-continued' blog!

--
so many things to give this world.
the chances we take...
i'm working on defining myself.
making an impact.
somehow.

2009-04-12T03:59:00.002-04:00

one year ago, i wrote this [and today i'm putting side notes]:

Saturday, April 12, 2008

maybe one day... (summer perhaps?) :
-exploration of the newly opened newseum / go around d.c. [YES! recently did this.]
-another acapella concert [yeppp!]
-more intellectual debate / continuation of forum topics / discussion on racism, the media, empowerment, education, awareness, propaganda, etc etc... [i pipe up here and there during conversations, when i feel the time is right to try to voice my opinion/have a convincing argument.]
-hours dedicated to piano/guitar [umm..sadly.. no.. very sadly.. no.]

much more 'immediate' things... but...

longer-term goals:
internship/possible fellowship (if i do get this fellowship, that would make for an interesting year.) [umm.. i'm getting calls back now. we'll see where it/they -the internship possibilities- take me.]
(applying like crazy now; hoping like crazy now.)
getting scholarships
(applying like crazy now; hoping like crazy now.) [i applied for some this year too.]

longer, longer term goals:
study abroad for a semester at temple u (tokyo, japan that is.) - senior year fall 09 ??? [i applied... the program got canceled... oh bitter me. it was my dream since then too, and i actually thought it was going to happen! i could've joined another program like visual anthropology, but it seemed like my parents were ehh about the switch-over/pressure from the rush that temple was making me do...]
finish on time . [i sure hope so. at least my requirements are done after this semester.]
get a job . [umm.. i got one last summer that paid very well.. well enough that the money lasted me all of last semester.]
get money to pay off loans . [still want this!]
get a sexy(-ier) car xD . [possibility: BMW 1 series. xD]

--
yeah, the goals have pretty much remained the same.

--
random: I noticed that a number of things I like watching start with the letter H (but of course, my favorites are certainly not limited to this letter..)... Heroes, High School Musical, House MD, Hana Yori Dango... mmm.

--
every day is a constant battle for me.
every day i think about you and miss you, erikku-kun.
i just have to think that i'll get through it.
i have to.

--
i just looked through a lot of my xanga.. circa 2003-2009.
oh how i've evolved in so many ways.. but still have remained the same.

--
ugh, side note! watching hana yori dango makes me have a glimmer of hope in romance/romantic notions.

2009-04-01T03:03:00.006-04:00

4am and i can't seem to sleep. i'm in a creative mood but not sure of just where to begin. i've been reading other people's blogs over the past few hours... whewww. good stuff out there!

where DO i begin? i'll sleep for now and add more later.

[that add more LATER part.. failed. adding starts now.]

we've all got our baggage.
i can see it in your eyes...
you're much more.
i wanna be your confidant
your ear, your arm, your best.
we can't hide away.
i don't want to much longer.

faint images flash across my memory.
dogtags. rings with words etched inside.
so close yet so far.
we each had something so strong that we held onto.
i know i couldn't possibly think about
giving half my heart to you
half my feelings to you
just because i still held onto something else.
maybe you feel the same way too.

i somehow don't fear losing you; i never had you in the first place.
maybe we both think: it's easier if we don't try for beyond the superficial.
maybe it's true.

but no. spring fever is in the air.
i'm not sure how things will be now.
but i do finally want a real change.

i want something to go somewhere.

--

happy april fool's day.

or rather, happy april alternate ego/life ... dream.

i was thinking of creating a list of ideas for april fool's jokes... which would serve more like a list of things that i'd think were reaches... things i'd actually love if they'd come true. or maybe they would be subconscious wants. something like that.

hmm. i'll just go with whatever comes into my head right now and not editing/taking back ideas for these jokes/subconscious wants. wtf? lol. keep in mind.. all of these things are [quite possibly] untrue... but majority are things that would be awesome if they were to be come true.

-i'm moving to california this summer. i applied to transfer to USC and got in.
-i'm moving to japan. end of story.
-i've joined the army reserve (and got stuff to prove it).
-i'm in a relationship with ______(insert name here).
-i'm moving to canada. i got a job at some canadian broadcasting network.
-i fractured my ankle because of running, tripping, and landing on a rock.
-someone took me out on a date to the city, we got close, and it was awesome.
-i had an epiphany that my choice job would be ____ within [this] career field... (working for the government.. or most especially, in honor of my dad, working for the United Nations.)
-i got a journalism scholarship (yes! all those applications paid off!).
-i got the ABC internship, but then had about 20,000 other internships reply back to me so suddenly, wanting me to come in for an interview. FML.
-i laid down in the grass and looked up at the stars with a loved one next to me and we saw a shooting star.
-i finally got over you.
-i stopped being a confused hopeless idiot and finally got my independent self back.
-i became fearless. in regards to EVERYTHING. whatta miracle.

okay, i've got to sleep. those were some lame ideas. i'm a better writer/idea-thinker-upper-person. sleep for now! [PS: THERE ARE BIRDS CHIRPING. FML]

2009-03-24T00:37:00.006-04:00

tonight is just like any other night that is like it.

cold, clear skies, stars.

i get out of play practice and i think about calling you up since i'm a short walk away, but i don't. i go back to my apartment and get my stuff together. my roomie and her bf are comfortable and about to sleep and we talk about salmon (lol). and then i think about you, i think about calling you up, but i don't.

instead, i call the usual one. and i drive out of the way and go to him because this is all i've known, this is what i have gotten used to, this is what my gut says i should let go of... but never can. i hate being alone.

i drive my car and a couple hits go on the radio. i think about calling you, simply because i like that new soulja boy song that played("kiss me through the phone".. or something like that). i continue the drive as the radio signal begins to fade, as i go into a town where they don't get my radio station, where the stars are so clear in the sky because of no light pollution.

i finally reach my destination, turning off my car alarm so that it won't make a sound in this sleepy town. i sit in my car and grab my phone. some new kelly clarkson song hits the soundwaves. i sit there in the darkness, engine off, and grab my cell phone. i scroll down through the call logs and click on your name. i hover over it.

catchy beat of kelly's new song gets me entranced (wtf, i know..).

But boys will be boys, oh, yes, they will
They don't wanna define it
Just give up the game and get into me

i click on the phone's screen when the display light goes dark several times.

Oh, no, I do not hook up, up, I come slow
So if you want me, I don't come cheap
Keep your hand in my hand, your heart on your sleeve

i keep staring at your name. it sounds like a click, like it could work . but i know i keep holding back. and i give myself all the mental reasons as to why.

Oh, no, I do not hook up, up, I fall deep
'Cause the more that you try the harder I'll fight
To say goodnight

maybe guilt, maybe it's my urge not to complicate things. my secret wish to un-complicate things, and just try hard for something that may never work because with you, i never know if things will go anywhere.

Lay your head down and feel the beat
As I kiss your forehead
This may not last but this is now

whenever i'm with you, i know i should just think, "this is now."

So love the one you're with
You wanna chase but you're chasin' your tail
A quick fix won't ever get you well

you and i have so many potentials, so much to offer. deep in thought, i can see myself with you. yet i know that we're not limited to each other. i've got competition, and so do you.

but then my driver door opens, startling me hardcore. i jump out of thought, turn to my left, and say "oh God" to the darkness.

i turn to see him. i follow him inside.

yet i find myself still thinking about you.

2009-03-23T11:52:00.002-04:00

i like getting back good [midterm] grades! =]

some excerpts from my blue book (nerd!):

On Objectivity in the Industry:
The landscape of the media is changing in favor of less objective journalism. "Infotainment," the mixing of information and entertainment, is much more common. Biased, not-so-objective news organizations, create programming that appeals to their specific audience by publishing a certain angle or viewpoint. For example, Fox news has heavy Republican roots, and therefore attracts Republican viewers. In an age of selective programming (not objective programming), people that consider themselves to be "news anchors/reporters" like Greta van Susteren, get away with reporting their sides of the "truth." People like Greta and Bill O'Reilly gain and retain their audiences by publishing the "truth" that appeals to them, so that they gain their trust.That is how selective TV programs thrive - they appease niche audiences instead of publishing non-biased, objective programming.
This is all more commonly found on cable programming and the internet. With thee rise of niche audiences comes the fall of viewership of more objective, "boring" journalism. Besides, objective journalism is losing itself due to compartmentalization and company downsizing. 24-hour news services that claim to be objective only now publish short news briefs. These news briefs often lack in-depth reporting, follow-ups with several sources and the basics of objectivity.
In the end, it is up to the audience to believe in what they read or see. Regardless, the media industry is becoming less and less objective every day.

--
On using Anonymous Sources:
In general, the use of anonymous sources has declined over the years (with the exception of the Watergate times). Why? Audiences have lost trust in journalists because of several cases of mistakes made when using anonymous sources. In most of these failed cases, the anonymous sources were not only anonymous - they failed to exist!
Take, for example, the case of Jack Kelley, writer for USA Today. He made up stories and fabricated people (sources), making for example a Pakistani school for raising suicide bomber kids come to life in his stories. Journalism mixed with fiction for Kelley, but he kept getting praised by USA Today, which nominated Kelley for 5 Pulitzer Prizes. The discovery of his exploits led to countless printed corrections. Kelley was dismissed and the public opinion of USA Today (and journalists in general) greatly declined.
After Kelley, Jayson Blair, Dan Rather, and Janet Cooke (who won a Pulitzer for her story on an 8-year-old heroin addict which proved to be false - her Pulitzer was taken away!), journalists lost trust in having anonymous sources, and their audience lost trust in journalism!
It's no wonder then why the use of anonymous sources declined. Journalists continually wish to gain the trust of their source of money - their audience. How can they gain the audience's trust when the use of anonymous sources marred the industry?

---
school just started back up again after a short spring break.

sitting here in the student center, i've seen so many people i know walk down the stairs, but not one person has stopped to say hi. makes me feel real good - or maybe they're all just in a rush [to grab lunch].

reading "Black Like Me" for a quiz tomorrow. interesting book. definitely covers the emotional/internal issues that are byproducts of racism.

i need to get out, chill, relax, go for a drive.. even though I had spring break, it just wasn't enough.

i want to bask in sunlight and drive with the windows down... off to some place like the beach or Washington State Park.. and go to some party and have fun.

---
you could be my bestest friend. i should just be me.

should i play along and cling to that 0.00000001% of hope that i get from you, or just admit to myself that all you want is nothing personal...?

i should just let go of inhibitions and thoughts and be just like you. ooh, dangerous.

lessen the complication, boil it down to what i'm truly feeling. chill.

just say f**k it and not care if you and i have many potentials and don't owe anything to each other.

i never thought the day would come that i would be that kind of girl.

so sorry if i'm not 100% there with you. i refuse to really change because of a dude. if you truly feel something, work on it and i'll return the favor. if not, leave me be.

bottom line: things could work out.. but maybe not now.

--
what makes me happy?

outdoors on a good day. that car ride i mentioned above (windows down, sun out, warm breeze, music blasting).

with people? feeling accepted or loved (in general).

material? i prefer hand-made gifts or surprises. surprises (not necessarily monetary) make me =].

career/school? doing well. generally. and loving what i do (making sure my heart is in it).

phone/text? communication, baby. that's what works for any type of relationship. i may be at a loss for words sometimes, but other times i'm straight-up too talkative. which do people prefer? which do i prefer? a little bit of both. listening is JUST as important as speaking. hell yes.

hobbies? i found out that i get happy/confident when i get a press pass. (LOL). in all seriousness, i like the feeling of being a part of media. it may very well be my calling. not sure yet though. everything changes.

goals? setting goals and ACTUALLY achieving them or seeing the end result... makes me soo happy.

freedom of expression? i'm generally happiest when i wear it on my face (expression = window to my soulllll. lmao.).

--
okay, i got to get packing up for class #2 out of 3. ugh.
play practice after class tonight at 9. full day. i don't know if i'll be ready for the black like me quiz... should have been reading right now! spark notes to be printed later. yay.

2009-03-16T22:58:00.005-04:00

i fear a lot of things.

i certainly don't understand a lot of things.

somehow, i'm waiting for the biggest surprise of my life.
for something so good, it would literally make my dreams...
come true.

i could wait for that day to come.

who is that hero in my life?
am i dependent on one guy, or is there something out there for me?

i'm not sure anymore.
i wait in silent reverie.

i wait... for something good.
but i was never good at accepting change, even though change is what i seem to want.

i am my own contradiction.

i don't know how patient i can be.

is it true that good things come to those who wait?
is it true that actions speak louder than words?

i like words.
when i get around to speaking, to writing, to conversing...
i have my on and off days... whether i want to be social or not.

i'm still waiting around for something.
i was never one to really let go.

--
bite my tongue. mark my words.
i am silent
and outspoken.

i am the quiet type, introspective.
i am the social type, an extrovert.

who is the real me? am i a composite of both?
--
who am i allowed to dream about?
how long will i be satisfied with mediocre?
when and how will we grow?
when will dreams come true?
if my dreams come true.

i've lived a life for two people, but i'm just one girl.
one person. trying so hard to understand her life.
and i'll just keep waiting for that something to arrive.

to be the support i need.
and i'll be his support in return.

maybe it's you.
[who?]

--

edit:
this is scary how accurate it is in relation to my life. rawwrr.

Name: Angelica
Date: 3/17/2009
Colorgenics Number: 31074265

You are striving for a life full of activity and experience and, perhaps even more, an environment where you would be able to forge a close bond with a person who can offer full emotional fulfillment.

The way things are you are under considerable stress and you feel that there is little hope of matters righting themselves. Everyone about you seems to aggravate the problem even more. You feel that at this time you need to be alone and you are right - move back and give yourself a chance to breathe.

At times one is burdened with more than one's fair share of problems and this would appear to be your situation at present. But you are adamant - you know what you wish to achieve - and by giving a little and taking a little you may well find that the realization of your dreams could become a reality.

For whatever the reason, you find it extremely difficult to sustain relationships - that is to sustain them in the manner that you would wish. You are a very gentle sort of person, full of feeling, sensitivity and susceptible to love and affection, looking and longing for a partner with whom you can enjoy 'All things bright and beautiful' - someone with whom you can seek out the more esoteric things of life. But up to now this person has only existed in your imagination. You are very choosy, appreciative, refined and extremely artistic in temperament and it is your hope to seek others who will allow you to form and express your own taste and judgement and who at the same time may assist you in your intellectual or artistic growth.

You really would like to be completely uninhibited - to let your hair down - but you are held back by your sense of logic and rationalilty, since you realise that by simple stupidity you could lose everything - whatever that may be.

2009-03-11T00:07:00.002-04:00

catch me if you can.

... although recently, it hasn't been too hard to catch me (i guess).

battle of the barrios went well, though no real thanks to me. i've been out of commission for the past week or so. guess ECAASU and Main Event took their toll on me (fatigue! needed sleep!). the flu has subsided and i'm left with a barking cough... but it's whatever.

whatever is this weather we have been having ... ! cold and snow-filled one day, hot and sunny the next. rain to top it all off.

lack of funds to do things i need to do (perhaps this spring break)... like clean my car (finally!) and get an oil change for it...

i need money! grawwrr. so, i tried applying for benihana as a bartender and got interviewed twice. my only problem is my availability - my class schedule doesn't permit me to work lunch hours! it's not my fault.. i can't change my class schedule for this semester, naturally. so yeah, i guess it just isn't meant to be.

on the up side, i got the call back for a job with the Rutgers Student Life Marketing Team - a job for next year (starting end of this semester for fall 09). i guess they liked my "jack-of-all-trades" shhpeeeal during the interview... so they want me on board to help with copywriting, editing, video producing, project ideas, etc. yay!

--

"my dear." "love." "bey." "homie."
i have no problem being called these things in general by different people. it's... whatever. but still. could be nice if it meant something. guys like that are just joking around. they are a big tease. hahah. just. kidding. slightly.

i like a guy who is actually interested in some of the things i say and do. it's only right if the interest is mutual (and i mean... the interest in the respective other's happenings and doings). i know i sure exercise interest in the guy and his happenings... if he's cool like that .

--

as for japan VS abc, the saga continues. for now, i'll just say... "we'll see what happens." i have an interview in the city on tuesday. sent in the non-refundable check to TUJ last week. i'll keep my options open.

as in most things... we'll see what happens.

--

sometimes it's so hard to keep truckin' along... when i see others so happy/content, or those that are struggling as i am... often i just want to stay cooped up and away from social reality (which is very anti-career, very anti-life...very anti-people.)
i think my mood changes with the weather.
i need to get more sunlight. waah .

motivate me to continue.

2009-03-02T18:10:00.004-05:00

so.. what do you do when two departments of ABC call? you set up an interview or two during spring break to see what they'll be offering you.

so.. what do you do when you get accepted to TUJ and the deposit check is due in 2 days? you send in the non-refundable deposit to secure your place.

--

so what do you do when you have two exams, a quiz, several homework assignments and a snow day?
you.. study. well, half the time. the other half of the time you spend viewing Main Event videos and editing photos from ECAASU and Main Event. you do what you love because you love the feeling of being one of the press.

yes. welcome to my world - busy? indeed. humble? i try to be. broadcasting my failures along with my talents... possible? there are many who say "create a website. post up your resume, your works, your everything. glorify yourself for potential clients and potential job offers."

i'm nothing in comparison to my colleagues. it takes an amateur to know that much is true. but how do i "glorify" myself to the world wide web without appearing conceited? humility, yes. light-heartedness and fun mixed with a sense of duty.

doing what i love. that's what i'm searching for. my entire college career i've spent trying to search out the kinds of things that i love or will love. i've been going for that "jack-of-all-trades" thing... but eventually i've got to stick to what i'm good at, what i'm passionate about.

my action-packed weekend consisted of ECAASU and Main Event - both great events, both full of lessons for me. ECAASU really spoke to me - and through the workshops and speakers, i took several messages to heart...

...especially when comedian Danny Cho spoke during his workshop. what he said was true: Asian Americans in the media industry rarely get the big break, the luck, the foot in the door. daunting as it may seem to me, i've got to PUSH. he said words of encouragement - that Asian Americans in the industry need to encourage/support one another. none of this hating business. hating on other Asian American groups leads to nowhere.

another thing that hit home was his discussion about the 9-5 "glorified monkeys" position. Asian Americans tend to work the 9 to 5 job experience. they excel. they work their butts off. but still, they are the grunt-workers, the bottom chain. you've got to push for more. if you want to be a leader, if you want to make a name for yourself in any industry, if you want to show that you are capable (as an individual and as a minority)... then PUSH.

Danny jokes around. Humor is an outlet to get people listening. ... but when he gets down to it, he talks about the serious nitty-gritty in making it in the "real world," learning how to play the game of the "real world" and really excel by challenging yourself. expect the challenge. but be humble about it. support others who are trying out there too. entertainers who try to bad-mouth others and try to make it on their own... can't make it.

i know that this life requires networking, a constant drive for something more, and a PUSH. i know that now...

but will i make it? i have to try.

--

ps. the snow makes quite a picture .
i want to make snow angels when i feel better =]
(fever before midterms = eww.)

2009-02-25T01:23:00.004-05:00

baby, there's nothing but blue skies and the sun shining through.

i get so happy at the thought of you.

--

initial thoughts of the day / night:
i'm intimidated. intimidated by people with big resumes and lots of work experience; people in honors societies and fraternities; people with success written all over them after college. i'm intimidated... initially. and then i think... i just need to get better. and i am still a force to be reckoned with (okay.. a little too harsh there). i've got a decent resume myself, but i've got to show more commitment/drive. excel in some one area. i've shown interest in several different areas (jack-of-all-trades, much?)... but soon i've got to narrow things down. narrow my focus. focus. focus...

--

focus on THIS.

here i am, soon to be a rising senior. things are starting to appear at my feet (or rather, i fought for them). decisions have to be made - and soon.

DECISIVE POINT numero uno .
where to live~
so i had two choices. one, live with 2 guys - good friends, established relationships already. i know their cleaning habits. i know them. second, live with 3 girls - i don't know em, but i got the offer through a time-sensitive decision - i decided to live with them only a few hours after finding out. since then, it has been timed deadlines and not enough time to think - but now it seems i'm officially living on campus in the easton ave apts.
so many pros and cons i had listed out. money wise. people wise. experience wise. what-people-may-think wise. still quite wavering on this subject, but i'm trying to look at the good things right now.
i'm like the opposite of most college kids - i'm finally living on-campus... during the last part of my college career, not during my first year.

DECISIVE POINT numero dos .
what the ---- to do with my SUMMER 09~
section ichi: so i had been COMPLETELY dead set on this one goal of mine - to study abroad at the Temple University Japan Summer 09 Contemporary Media Culture program for 6 weeks. this program is only offered to undergrad students, and is only held EVERY OTHER YEAR. straight after exams, i'd head there, even to celebrate my 21st bday there. i'd be done by independence day. i would get credits that would be transferred to RU. i would receive an education in TOKYO, the place i've always dreamed about going to and experiencing. every summer i've wanted to go to Japan... and every summer it didn't work out. so this program looked AWESOME. i got letters of recommendation; papers for transferring credits approved; crazy amounts of info for the application. handed it in... and am still waiting on if i get in (they'd take my money.. shouldn't be too hard to get in..).

section ni: last fall, i went to disney-ABC in NYC for a fellowship information session. felt good to go there. i loved the vibe i felt from the company, and i've been told that it's one of the best companies to work for in the industry. so i decided to spam my resume and apply for all sorts of internships in the company. i did this around... october.
and fast-forward to two weeks ago. i get a call from there. HR lady pre-screens me for a summer internship with them in NYC. then fast-forward to today (or rather, yesterday). i get a call from the senior operations manager. me being so excited, i was only able to squeeze out "yes. definitely. yes. mmmmhmmm. yes." for most of the phone call. in the end, i said i was interested. either she or i will call by the beginning of next week to confirm. internship. experience. only 2 days a week, but it's ABC. A. B. C.

now comes the FML part.

Japan versus internship. I could have applied for so many other internships over the summer, but I didn't. Why? I was pretty set on going to Japan. But when ABC comes knocking at your door... things change. I won't get another opportunity to study abroad in Japan if I take this (I'll be graduated and done w/ college in no time). I may not get another chance with ABC if I go to Japan.

WTF DO I DO!? sleep for now of course. ash wednesday tomorrow. that means ashes on my forehead at 730AM, work out, work on more war concepts/review, make photocopies of documents for mailing, go to class, go to costco, go back home for dinner with mom (and to feed/clean my fish's bowl), and finally go back to RU for the RAPS meeting. FML.

FML... because half my days i love my life and am very appreciative - i want to live my life to the fullest.

and of course FML... because half my days are spent wondering why i feel so empty sometimes. i'm in search of meaning. constantly.

more to come.
goodnight, loves.

2009-02-20T12:24:00.005-05:00

i just realized...

some people won't take me seriously.

some don't consider my major as hard work.

don't get me wrong. i've always been a hard worker.

i've always gotten the grade.

i can take calculus, i can take orgo chem.

i can do anything i want, because i'm capable.

so don't consider me, or my major, to be dumb.

don't underestimate.

just because i seem like i sit around

and do nothing sometimes,

doesn't indicate i have a lack of focus.

i have to do lists and check off lists

and still have time to have fun.
---

not going to wait around forever.
ya either want something, or not.

2 interviews in the past 2 days.
i'm getting used to the confidence i'm supposed to exude during these things.

today, le friday, has a schedule. like any other day.
just finished interview. now:
food. woodbridge mall. procrastination (media and gov analysis and quiz questions, war study guide, journalism scholarship apps, fill out my next year's housing contract, etc. save it for saturday & sunday). barrio fiesta practice. and party.

2009-02-03T01:19:00.007-05:00

riddle me this:

do actions truly speak louder than words?

--

Like the clouds you drift me away

--

edit - 24 hours later:

it's amazing how little things are now making me think.

today.. outside was beautiful. the snow was falling around evverrrywhere.
i was getting pretty poetic today, but never wrote anything down.
i was trudging in the snow to 3 consecutive classes.
hung out with peeeeeps - cooked pasta with one, ate nuggets with another, and SKYPE'D for HOURS with many more. LOL.
played geetar for a bit too. sleeping time soon.

yesterday we watched a movie called "broadcast news" in journalism and american film class. such. a good. funny. movie. haha. and i don't know why, but it just spoke to me. i felt like i could apply it to my life. bwhahahahar.

and after speaking to a friend monday... yeah. leave it at that.

couldn't help it. thought about sledding down some hills, taking some crazy ass pictures of scenery and whatnot... pretty cute.

le sigh.

--

2009-01-20T22:51:00.001-05:00

history was made today.

watching it was surreal.

first day of classes.

am i starting it off right?

let's MAKE history.

what's holding me back?

2009-01-19T01:39:00.001-05:00

everyone has their fears, right?
i have so many fears, some of which are weighing on my mind as of late.

namely...
does anyone like me? and i don't mean that.. 'ooh girl like boy' type like. i mean.. like..ME. for who i am. or .. are the certain ways i act, or the certain things i say, huge criteria? am i constantly criticized? does.. no one like me anymore?

sudden dip in self-confidence is spelled out by the way people's vibes are around me. i'm kind of scared i'm failing in this whole.. 'maintaining friends thing'.

am i now a social outcast?

selfish.. everything in this blog is "i..i..i..me...me..."

><

i get freaked out that people see me differently.
have i changed?

--
EDIT - 124AM

The answer to that is Yes. Yes I have. We all have.
We all have insecurities.
We all judge.
We all hope/wish/dream.
I certainly hope that we are all proud of ourselves in one way or another.

We all are our own person. I have confidence in myself, enough so that I can reassure myself that I know I can make it. I can succeed.

What I meant by "detach" in a recent post was that.. soon will come the time that I will make another life decision. In high school I did this, and because of it, I grew up. I became more confident. I embraced new friends. I learned a lot from experiences with them.

It's another time like that. I may have to change it up a bit. I may need to branch away. I can see myself going for internships in NYC. I've applied to some; turned down some interviews. Why? Last semester I didn't feel it was right. I needed that semester of living dirt poor. No job; only school and extra curriculars that didn't pay. A time to focus on myself. The people I surrounded myself with. The experiences of college life on campus. [and be proud of my GPA.]

It's a new semester. I'm getting ready for a revamp. A revive.

But don't get me wrong. I'm scared in so many ways. I lack confidence in so many ways. So many times I fight the urge to take the easy way out. To disappear. To even.. run away to .. Canada or something.

But then I'd let so many people down. He made it a reality check.

I promise to never forget. Every day I keep thinking about you. Being genius really broods complicated individuals like us. Smart and capable and full of a potential for a bright future; dark and complicated and secretive and wary.

Every day, you are my reality check. So that one day, I'll look back on it all, and realize it wasn't in vain.

My life will not be in vain.

Sometimes I just wish others would feel this kind of confidence in themselves.

Good luck, friends . Sometimes we just don't understand each other. And that's just fine. I'll forever try to understand . I guess it's not my place.

2008-12-24T17:39:00.004-05:00

merry christmas eve, everyone... as i sit in the apartment in NB, waiting to go homeward bound again. the streets of NB are empty. everyone's home. it's kind of .. peaceful.

--
Risk.
To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out for another is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas, your dreams before the crowd, is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing does nothing.
Has nothing, is nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow but he simply cannot learn, feel, change, grow, live, love…
Only a person who risks is free.

2008-12-13T01:55:00.005-05:00

you give me an unexplainable confidence half the time.
half the time i don't want to admit that you're something special.

[maybe i think you're really worth it.]

~~

play piano the way you used to.

tadaima.

2008-12-03T23:49:00.002-05:00

one month.
we miss you.

check it out.. i printed out a few pictures of us / you . got my favorite picture hanging up on my wall now. you're smiling with the dorky peace sign. xP [i'm doing the same pose.]

right now i'm thinking about you a lot. i'm creating your picture story for my final project for photojournalism.

as painful as it is to see these pictures... i've gotta convey the message. who you were, who went to visit you...

i feel like i can work hard on this project simply because it's about you.
so give me guidance. you were always driven.

2008-11-24T00:17:00.006-05:00

[find] meaning .

i really wish i could find a way to explain just why i feel this way .

a possibility.

do you have the drive to meet me?

lately i've been getting pretty serious.
doesn't mean i've lost my humor, or lost my smile.
i'm just trying to balance things. give me time.

"let's get the shit kicked out of us by love."
daniel, love actually .

part of waiting by gabe bondoc.

On more than one occasion, I tried to speak to your heart.
But in a game like this one. Babe, I'll only get one start.
And though I need my finish, Im gonna wait till its time,
How many times, do you have to meet the wrong guy,
to know that I'm on your side?

So I'll keep Waiting...
Hiding, masquerading,
Till your love starts changing, Baby
Looking for somebody like me to love.
Cause indifference shouldn't spark your interest.
They don't want your mind like, rain in springtime.
Like I do...

I wanna tell you so badly, I wanna quit and give in.
But hypothetical questions, post awkward situations.
None of the fellas that said things. They never meant them at all.
I just wanna be there, Baby. I'm on call.
Not that you need me at all ...

2008-11-17T22:19:00.006-05:00

to my newfound friend :
'if you just hold my hand...
baby i promise i'll do all i can.'

you're sweet, flattering, and whatever.
i'm appreciative at best.
i'm thoroughly confused at worst.

---
it's a trying time for me. i'm simply getting used to just living the way i do; with the facade i try to put up. but i stay up late and i get tired; i sleep when i should work on things. i try to surround myself with friends but i end up feeling alone. i get in trouble with saying what i want to say... and so i continue to shell up even more.

i'm tired. i need to let go. and just let my feelings take over.
i need to search through myself, analyze my reasons for being here,
and love life.
so many things have been put into perspective; i still argue that i'm lucky.
yet i feel a space that i can't take away. a space between me and the rest of the world that's waiting for me.

is this how it was for you?
i know you felt it.
i felt it too.

---
a friend who i worked so hard to bring out of the depths is still here. he claims he realizes his faults, and how much it hurt me to see him hurt.
meanwhile i'm punishing myself for not being with you when you needed someone. when you pulled me aside several times, saying.. these may be the last words you say to me. i wondered why that sounded so strange; at the time, i only thought it was because you were going to be too busy for us, for me... that you were going to 'disappear' from the social realm to focus on other things. i was, at the time, angry at you for doing that to us/me. but i said i'd be there when you returned. i said that.
you called me three times the last week you were here on earth. you asked me to hang out; you were bored with your lab work. you were at the student center. you were at RU but everyone left for MR. PI, so you wanted me to go with you to NYC. you really wanted me to go because you wanted someone with you.
i heard that strange sense of urgency in your voice, yet that distance of feeling detached from us. it wasn't your soft voice. i said i'd let you know if i was going to let you join me on the way to queens.... that i'd call you back in two seconds. i asked if you could go. they said no. so i texted you back, afraid to call you and let you down. you never answered me again.

it's unreal because all i see it you smiling at me with your eyes... sitting in the passenger seat, saying 'you're beautiful.' reaching over and holding me. putting your arm around me for others to see. me feeling so awesome to be yours.
you staying by my side through the cotillion. you sitting next to me during X3. you giving me a card for my birthday.

you. sitting next to me. in the car. talking about your future.
me. picking you up from the train station. hanging out with you.
us. sitting in the car on the way to sonic with marc and gabe.
stuck in endless traffic. having a good time.
us. sitting in the car with our friend breaking down. you, questioning yourself, claiming you can't remember things, claiming you can't fill that void.

you. watching the notebook with me. you. eating that tub of ice cream happily.
you. texting me 'tadaima' ("i'm home") after you got home from being passed out on my floor from drinking too much.
you. telling me stories about girls and drinking and whatnot.

you. being my friend, the way i always wanted us to be.
us.
me.
denying that you were that bad off. focusing only on the one who wore his heart on his sleeve, his pain in his eyes. you. the one who hid it all, and managed to surprise us all when you pulled it off.

us. left behind.
me.
wanting to know what it's like to step off this world. the split second where you told yourself it's over. or that it's just beginning. the split second where you didn't know what to expect next. the split second where you saw something then ceased to see at all.

me. going crazy.
me. losing friends.
me. questioning life.
me. trying. trying to live for you, so that i can continue to tell you later on in life what i've done for myself, and why you'd be proud of me.

me. scared.
me. wanting to live life.
me. wanting to love.
me. wanting to get close to people again, but wondering what tomorrow will bring if i do so.

---
my friend wrote me a letter.. and because of it i felt like i meant something, like i did something to impact a life.
'my mask was broken but i still tried to hide behind it. and now it has cost me so much, hurt me so much, but it hurt someone close to me even more. those words of her, those tears shed from here were all real. all she was trying to do was get me to wake up. i'm slowly awakening, slowly throwing this useless mask of mine. she wants me to smile so bad. it's one simple thing she wants me to do. to be genuinely happy and to smile without the fakeness that has ruled me.'

i see. how was i a hero to you. how did i dig you out of that depth you once were in... i 'saved' you, but ended up staying down there myself. i distanced myself from you so that i wouldn't surround myself with negative people anymore.
and now we're brought back together after finding out that our friend did what neither of us wanted to admit, what you wanted to do but i prevented you from following through...
if i saved you... make it count. make life count.
for the one who brought reality into our lives, the one reality i tried to not let come true.
the act that i once hated with a passion.

---
why did it come true.
why couldn't i save you.

2008-11-06T01:53:00.006-05:00

Dear Eric,

Why hello, Mr. KingEricFriday, Mr. My-favorite-color-is-blue.
It was only yesterday that i met you during cotillion practice, that we chatted online and hit it off; only yesterday that i invited you as my guest to my graduation, driving you back home through driving rain, holding your hand.
Only yesterday that we stole each other's first kiss.
Erikku-kun, there is nothing i can say that i'm sure others haven't said already. Two years ago I fell for your smarts, your quirkiness, your beautiful piano playing, your knowledge of japanese, and your gaming skills.
For that time we had together, we were able to share so much of our life stories. How can I ever forget your sweet smile, the way you looked at me, the way you were such a helping hand to others.
Remember the hammock at Catherine’s house? The summer days with friends? Our dance to “It Might Be You?” by Kai? I even gave you a mix CD. One of the songs was a piano piece I had composed and recorded for you. I called it, “His Theme,” in true Final Fantasy fashion.
Even when there was a time when we didn’t talk too often, I still thought of you and our friendship. Then as we became closer friends this past summer, we shared many more memories. You confided in me more, and I in you. Almost every day after our summer jobs we’d meet up to hang out. Ericka coined it my “entourage,” which included you, Gabe, Marc, and Justin. We went randomly to the beach, or on random drives. You even stayed awake and texted me at 5 am to say “happy 4th of july sunrise.”

Remember when i said i would always be there, even when you spoke of the void you often felt? Even though you felt doubt sometimes, you still shared your thoughts of your future. You wanted to get an apartment instead of a car, and i suggested that you buy at least a bike to get to work. In car rides or during our pizza lunches, you talked about your senior design project, your two summer jobs, your pride in being Abby’s teacher in both dance and academics. You were saving up to get some suits for ‘the real world.’ You were changing and growing, but at the same time, you were still that guy I liked and admired from two years ago. As a friend, you were awesome. As Ike or Marth, you were ready to beat my housemates in Super Smash Brothers anytime.
Did the sun rise for you now, Eric? You’re leaving all of us with so many memories, memories that won’t be forgotten. You.. will not be forgotten.

Even yesterday (or rather, this morning)… while I spent time at your house making origami and laughing alongside your friends and family, I felt your presence.
You were there when we made paper roses.
I tried hard to make one as beautiful as the ones you would make for others.
Even when I was playing the piano pieces that you inspired me to learn... you were there.
You brought us together.

I hope you don't mind that I'm writing a little something about you to share with your family and friends. You were always private, often blocking your face from pictures. Only now, Eric, I ask that you uncover your face for us to see it smiling.
I’ll see your smile every time I play Canon in C – the My Sassy Girl version, the one you taught me. I’ll see your smile whenever I eat an Oreo cookie. I’ll see your smile whenever I attempt to speak Japanese.
You know, one of the very first text messages you sent me. actually was my first lesson in Japanese. You taught me how to say ‘good night.’
So now I want to say goodnight to you, Erikku-kun. Oyasuminasai.
We’ll miss you.

2008-11-05T13:18:00.005-05:00

i know other people have their own goodbyes to say, they're own write-ups, they're own tears.

for now.. all i want to say for now is... thank you for all the memories.

i have a feeling i'm going to be writing a lot about you. i hope you don't mind.. it's just the way i usually deal with things.

anyway... happy belated 21st birthday.
goodnight, cookie cookie.
oyasuminasai.
the first japanese phrase you taught me in that text message so long ago.

i just recently brought back the song that i thought i couldn't ever listen to again.. and i think now i know why i brought it back.
somehow you were never far from my thoughts.
you will never be far from my thoughts.

"it might be you - kai".

i've been saving love songs and lullabies.

remember when i said i would always be there? when you ran away from the car? when you spoke of the void you felt. the memories you would forget. how you would always talk about going away. how many times you called me to hang out and i just didn't pull through. how much you thought of your future - getting an apartment instead of a car, and i suggested you buy a bike to get to work at least. how we went randomly to the beach. how you texted me at 5 am to say happy 4th of july sunrise (did it rise yet?).
how i always thought we'd be friends even through it all.

how we first held hands. the way you looked at me. the notebook (ha, that movie..). the japanese you taught me. the my sassy girl canon in C piece you taught me. the weird videos you would show me on youtube. the FF/DOA video compilation. smash and your conceit with ike/marth.

you.

the ups, the downs.
how i told you i'd always be there when you returned...

i can't put you to rest because of the few yet many memories we've had.
i know how others feel. how angry they must feel. i know i relate to them.. and also i can relate to the thoughts you had.
cj said.. 'we're all somehow connected.' yes we are.. indeed, we are.
i can't put you to rest because you'll never be forgotten.

again. i hope you don't mind that i'm writing about you. you were always private, saying 'i thought we weren't going to put those pictures up.' hah.. sorry...

miss you, erikku-kun.

2008-11-03T12:40:00.004-05:00

lucky post. number 13/14 (one's gotta be a draft/hidden or something). ooh.

currently listening to miss independent - ne-yo. it's an okay but catchy song.

so i woke up this morning and played Ace, my new geetar, for about an hour. felt good actually. i'm in the middle of class right now. oops. guitar lessons this morning instead of histories of the pacific. such is life.

i was meaning to write a blog yesterday about an observation i've made about my room here at the apartment. i'm sure many people can agree when i say that you can tell a lot about a person just by looking around their room.

for the longest time (aka this summer, for the first few months after move-in)... my room was very simplistic. now i'm starting to pile up papers.. and i should really clean those up. i should also get an organizer for my closet now that i moved my suitcase out of it.

anyway... let's go through my desk area.. (-_-) keep in mind i'm attempting to look at it on a first impression basis.

first: a side of the wall full of cut outs of pictures i took that ended up in the Targum. now there's plenty that aren't all the wall anymore (1. too lazy to put em up, and 2. too many! my wall might be covered in conceit/pride over pictures that were published). to the right of this montage is a poster that has the chinese characters for Truth, Beauty, Freedom, and Love. I've had this poster at my dad's house for the longest time (maybe 10 years now??) and I just recently put it up on my wall. I saw the same poster at Blockbuster last night (with a frame around it).. it was 'staring' at me through the window. hanging on the poster's side is a lanyard with the RAPS media crew 2008 credential. below that is a copy of my old resume, and a small RAPS business card.
then there's a white crate organizer filled with papers on top of it. from what i can see.. there's an WABC-TV spring 09 internships flyer; a Temple U summer programs brochure; the High School Musical 3 Soundtrack Costco box; Bose headphones; China Nite XIII DVD box; and a program for Pauline's Sweet 16 (a video gig I did).

onto the actual DESK! a photo frame given as a gift.. but I didn't fill all the pictures in yet. a heart picture collage i made in like, 2nd grade, with my sister/mom/dad and myself in the heart. HSM3 actual CD box. iClicker (ew). Bailamos flyer from a salsa gig last april. my computer (apple baby love). my portable hard drive. Time magazine with Obama/McCain on the cover (duh). A movie ticket for Star Wars Clone Wars (lol). more random papers, including an index card with a thousand and one things i wrote on it (it was a legal cheat sheet for an exam). bank of america statement mailing. moonlight path body cream. a desk lamp i've had for a long time at my dad's house.

the last noticeable thing is a poster i bought at rutgers of a sunset (or sunrise) with a palm tree silhouette. pretty.

things i feel i lack (unless you look at my computer's desktop) is a Heroes picture. or an 'obligatory' girlie picture of a hot guy (idk, james mcavoy? milo? christian bale? zac..efron? lol!).

gahdamn. what an overview. look on top of my fridge next to me. pandasal and my sample election ballot, ready to go for voting tomorrow back at home. water bottle (LOVE!). red bedsheets (favorite color!) black geetar, ace, with a playing cards geetar strap (hence the name Ace. besides, my previous geetar is Aiden. maybe I wanted to stick to the A theme.) eskrima sticks and a flashlight at my bedside. tissue box to boot. jewelry/girlie hair products/contact solution/perfume/water bottles/ clock and more on top of the clothes dresser.

ooh listening to spanish guitar - carlos santana. say word. mmm.

my closet needs work in the neat department. yea.

safe to say i've made me home here. paying for my apartment and my tuition and other expenses, all on my own, has been a feat these past few months. i guess i'm proud of myself for handling these responsibilities.. paying the bills on time... etc.

i'm not always here - most of the time i'm floating around, doing busy work... - so nothing has really changed by my living on campus. only big factor would be the convenience of not having to drive here and live out of my trunk.
big plus of living practically on campus.

i'm grateful. and well.. i'm...

lucky. yes.

lucky is the word.

2008-10-20T00:24:00.004-04:00

a midterm paper due tomorrow..
a midterm at five..
yay crunch time of college life.
my semester is full of classes that only have midterms and papers...few exams and quizzes... zero finals.
it's odd, but it seems like all the pressure was on this one week.
as it comes to a close..
hell... i want to party it up.
sad that this is my first year living on campus, yet i haven't gotten a chance to really party.
=/

so.. it's getting colder out.
the kind of weather where you want to just snuggle up to someone while in a hoodie and sweats.
with hot cocoa (hell yeah, hot chocolate = love).
and soup.
and watch a movie on the tube.
and nap.
and stay inside.

=]

PS. you're right. i should smile more. you should too!

2008-10-14T00:03:00.001-04:00

The best (and worst) and possibly the harshest (and straightforward) piece of advice I feel I can give to you (and myself) is..

the only person that can make decisions for you is... you.

It sucks - I know.
I feel ya.
I know uncertainty - for what would life be without it?
Two sides of a coin - choices to be made.. altering your life.
What would life be without it being altered?

I've felt lowest of low. The bottom of uncertainty.
And all the voices, all those that attempt to help.. they say what they have to say. In the end.. it's you.
No pressure - none at all...

Two opposites - two dichotomies .

Okay.. now I'm just venturing into a topic about myself. (don't read... or do.)
I feel like - save for the whole mental craziness (which I know for a fact I'm not crazy/mentally ill)..
I feel like I've lived dual lives. I've been two people growing up. Looking back at it all.. it's true, actually.

Since kindergarten - and basically the life I've known for as far back as I remember - I've lived in two different houses. Father's house during the weekends. Mother's house 5 days a week.
For the majority of that all, I was only a 5 minute drive away from one house... but growing up, I experienced two separate parental experiences... becoming two different kinds of people.
At mom's - she wasn't there as much - I was forever in after care. She was not the breadwinner/money maker. She gave me what she could. She was super over-protective, super affectionate, super mom - super frustrated from work frustrations... super quick-tempered... NOT super strict. I did, for the most part, what I wanted. As I grew older, I we got into many disagreements. Stupid little things would get me angry at her - she would get angry at me for stupid little things. I was.. in a lot of ways, a reflection of her - spunky, outspoken, loud, 'street smart' in some ways. The English/communications/singing voice.. all from her. But because of our fights/disagreements.. I'd cry a lot, sometimes calling my dad on the phone late at night, because he would be a comforting voice, one who told me that I had a guardian angel that watched over me as I slept.
Flip the coin over - my Dad's. Weekends. The chill time - he was always there, simply because he was off from work. He did the NYC 9-5 chill life - doing a job that didn't compare to the stress my mom dealt with. So he was chill in his attitude with me - which changed a LOT from the way he dealt with my sister (as I've heard.. he was crazy strict with her.). He was strict - as far as hitting the books and helping around the house. And the funny thing was.. I.. followed him. I don't know what it was, but I idolized him - quoted him - believed his factoids and smiled more, maybe because he was always there for me when we could do the fun stuff, like shopping, and going to church, and relaxing.. playing tennis, teaching me ALL the sports in the world.. bringing out the tomboy in me that came naturally. But he was a quiet guy - and so I became quiet. Reserved. I piped up only when I needed to. Quiet, complacent, obedient. Appreciative... not like the caustic/disagreeable relation I had with my mom during the regular school week.

Then high school. I started to break through that 'quiet' at my dad's - and he didn't like it all too much. I blamed it on the confusion/uncomfortable feeling I got being there more and more.. because of Vincent and Vincent's mom living there in Union. I think I got seriously jealous of them - taking my dad's attention away - because I was, and forever still feel like, daddy's little girl. Long story short.. we didn't speak for a year - my senior year of HS. That's the year I felt like I bloomed/grew out of my shell. Maybe subconsciously the quiet in me that I always had with my dad reflected towards my feelings towards the opposite sex - and after not talking to him for a year, I started getting lots of guy friends, talking to them, hanging out with them, appreciating them. This all started the year I didn't speak to him.

I also still didn't get along with mom. That didn't really change. But I was changing. I was quiet, and I was loud. I was confident, and I was complacent/obedient. I was stubborn in a good way and in a bad way.

I was complicated. I became complicated. I complicated things. I had attachment issues.

So where did that leave me as I entered college? I just experienced more life changing, more life-altering experiences. And.. they just keep coming.
I still feel like I'm two people. But in the end.. I'm just me. And.. the only person who can make decisions for myself is... myself.

Point: such is life. It's simply complicated. And no matter how much you think you can change things, or alter your life.. you take YOU with you. You're connected to the life you've made for yourself.

And now you're headed wherever you make yourself go.
Experience it. Breathe it in. It's.. going to be okay. Ha... okay.

Maybe I'm beginning to learn that I'm complicated for a reason. Maybe that reason is what I've always felt was my passion in trying to understand myself...
and that reason would be to try to understand others. And tell them they are not alone.
I'm no hero.
Maybe I have a calling.
Maybe I'm headed for so much more.
Maybe I am so much more.

I could keep going on... alas... life awaits. Lol. Goodnight.

2008-09-23T10:42:00.007-04:00

do you believe in the meaning of dreams?

i'm beginning to.

my dreams are telling what my subconscious thinks about.

~~
A lot.

"So accept my emotion, do not take it as an offensive gesture
It's just the epitome of my soul
And I must be me..."

"Tie my hands
What am I gonna be
What have I done so bad
What is my destiny
Tie my hands
What am I supposed to see
What have I done so bad
What am I gonna be.."
It's just the epitome of my soul
And I must be me.."

What am I going to be?
What are we going to be?
What CAN we be?

I'm not going to deny it anymore.. I'm into you.
You say you're over it.. but I kind of feel the baggage.
Don't lie. I can be your friend. Talk to me.
Make me smile. I can make you smile.

Ha... this isn't like the past. Nothing like anything I've tried for.
That makes me believe that I could be happy.

--
Slow down.. I just wanna get to know you...
--

Male Friend:
the entire male race should feel this way.

Me:
like they want to be a manwhore for just a LITTLE longer before commitment?
i think that the entire male race DOES feel this way. well, majority.
because in some way, shape, or form, some bitch came along and crushed him.
...so that's why he doesn't want commitment, love, or boyfriend status.

Male Friend:
lol. people get crushed all the time.
it's happened to all of us.
you, me, him.
can't blame him for feeling this way. can't blame me for wanting to find out what's out there before setting up camp.

Me:
same goes for girls too
yeap.

-
oh, life.
as a friend, i'd be like no other.
given the chance.
give me the chance.

2008-09-12T03:11:00.001-04:00

From a cheesy email thinger... ugh I'm sleepy.

Friends are like balloons; once you let them go,
you can't get them back. So I'm gonna tie you to
my heart so I never lose you.

Sleep.

2008-09-06T02:27:00.000-04:00

Night falls.
Sleepy sleepy.
RAMBLING on.

Call me [crazy].

I just want something fresh.

..And a smile! .. wanting to smile.

The usual non-teenage angst.. more like.. seeing a new light.

Rather than mull over how frustrating some people can be... I think I must be with others who don't frustrate me. People whose presence can make me relax. A few come to mind.

That rap-your-arms-around-that-special-person-so-you-feel-like-everything's-going-to-be-okay type feeling. (haha, back to those. scroll down for a copy-paste later.)

Junior year, man. Schedule's sexy. Now to add more spice, some sass.

How [about] that.

I'm just rambling. Haven't partied and 'let loose' so-to-speak in a while. I've kind of grown really uptight. I need to unwind. Chill out. Ugh.

Maybe [you] can help me out. Whoever you are.

Let's chill. =]

~~

copied from my previous blog somewhere. lol.

type loves. Mar 7, '08 6:48 PM

yes, i know this has been done before...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c5WgmbMW7Ek

in response/inspiration..
I'd like that sit-and-stare-at-you-til-i-make-you-feel-the-same-way-about-me type love,
that i-just-can't-wait-to-see-you-again type love,
that wait-for-the-right-moment-to-tell-you-everything type love,
that just-one-hug-will-make-you-feel-better-about-everything type love,
that lying-down-underneath-the-stars-with-sand-in-your-toes type love,
that sing-your-song-out-loud-with-all-you've-got type love,
that magical-connection-when-you-strike-the-right-chord type love,
that let's-watch-the-sunrise-over-the-east-and-the-sunset-over-the-west-type love,
that i-will-wait-for-you-to-take-my-breath-away type love,
that single-moment-can-change-your-life type love,
that love.. that love that makes me feel whole.
that makes me smile.
that love whose song he sings from inside his heart tells me everything i wished for.
that love where the look in his eyes comforts my every insecurity.
that love whose hand fits mine, whose eyes lock into mine, whose dreams are my dreams, whose wishes are my wishes...
that love who is too shy to tell me the way i'm too shy to tell him...
that love where i can be confident in myself, he can be confident in himself, and yet we can return to each other, both individual people, both respecting the other, both taking our time.

~~
[now that I look back at this.. wtf was i thinking when i wrote that haha.]

2008-08-25T20:49:00.000-04:00

Last night, after the cotillion I filmed, I had some 'revelations' so-to-speak.

I looked around my room at home (home-home, not apartment). And I thought of weird descriptions for the things I saw around my room.

For example:

Crayons: the medium of childhood.

Haha I know. Freakin' weird. Bear with me I guess. =D

Hmm.. what else.

I'm currently reading this book by Daniel Pink called "A Whole New Mind: Why Right-Brainers Will Rule the Future." I'll spare the details/description of the book for later... but anyway, I guess the book has got me thinking. In strange ways. But it's a really good book - and coming from someone who hasn't read anything substantial other than for schoolwork in a while... yea, that means something.

Anyway, I just read a chapter about how research has been producing other standardized testing besides the usual SATs and stuff. The US is a standardized test -driven country. Sick, no? So I thought of this one:

Number 2 Pencils: Etching in the future of children, one bubble at a time.
(rephrase as need be.. tried to go catchy with that...)

Sorry if others have done these things before; it's insanely hard not to intrude on the cliche nowadays. I mean, it's hard because there are SO many writers out there, so much so that I'm SURE someone has thought of the stupid things I was and am thinking about.

How do we even avoid being cliche? How can we fight to be original? These are some of the premises mentioned in the book I'm reading, so forgive me if I'm just questioning the cliche.

It's like stumbling upon landmines of copyrights and legalities and claims of ownership... Where's the free space that's left to just write originally? What space is left to be original?

See, the world is changing. And I diverge back into topics discussed in this book I'm reading. Yes, the world is changing. Because for the last century or so we've been in the Information Age, where Information was the key to success. Now...? The story is changing. Enter the world of the Conceptual Age, where the key to success will be something other than crunching numbers and logic and simplicity (these things can now be outsourced to India, the Philippines, ANYWHERE there's skilled workers who will work for such a lesser wage; on top of that, any COMPUTER can process menial/tedious info in SECONDS, which leaves regular logic-only people in the dust..).

Guess what? We've got to start thinking for ourselves. The statistics say so.
I could list em all out now, but I'll just recommend the book I'm reading.
So good. The future for us?

Not written in stone. Not mapped out based on standardized test scores that only measure the logistics and tangible numbers, but on what WE as HUMANS can present as ORIGINAL. How we are original is the key to success.

Push for originality. You're not the superstar you see on the big screen, because there's someone else who may fit the stereotypical mold that you fit in (trust me, the film industry can find another YOU who's better, because all they see is a headshot and a resume). You're not just a regular old engineer in the US (whose work can be replaced by an equally smart person off in another country). You're not just a computer programmer (because let's face it. Computers are going to rule us in the LOGIC department sooner than later - they've already created a software to CREATE softwares!).

What we DO have is this: You're the wannabe superstar with a creative edge - like, for instance a video attachment to your resume. You're the engineer with innovation - ahead of the game, because you have the resources available to you, so that you can forge ahead with a NEW technology. You're the computer programmer that knows humans better than computers know humans, so that you can create software that tailors much better to us humans.

WOW, way off tangent.
Anyway, off to go on a kind of 'retreat' away from NJ. Not going far, or for a long time, but.... whatev's. I'll be back and ready for school.

Laters.

2008-08-19T00:32:00.000-04:00

Must gather up the strength to begin change and accept change.

To feel Independence again, to find a voice, to find reason, to renew.

To be continued.

2008-08-15T15:22:00.000-04:00

Isn't it amazing?! I'm changing. Constantly. Growing.

Two weeks of relative freedom (minus China Nite DVD cranking out...), which equates to some "me" time and some well-needed hang out time.

Just got back from Cancun. Wrapped up my Japanese class with a grade I expected and worked hard for. Not working at AS anymore. Hoping to land this other job at a PR firm. Things are always CHANGING. And for someone who doesn't normally enjoy change, I can safely say I'm handling it relatively well (minus the occasional questioning of things... x_x).

All I really need right now is to continue pushing for focus and motivation the way I did this summer with my class.

Hmm... I'm listening to old school backstreet boys. HAHAHA. <3

Excerpt time from the black notebook, friends.

(premise: relaying some things from Cancun.. )

The humidity took some getting used to, but I enjoyed it after a while...
Highlights? Flea Market. Sea water. Pool flips. Chichen Itza. Cenote (water hole). Xcaret. Underground river. Snorkeling. Swimming in water where I can't touch the ground, with large fish way beneath me. Souvenirs. Getting wet in the rain. Jokes and laughing. Drinking at the bar. Being legal. Talks by the poolside. Metting a Japanese woman on our tour bus and conversing with her (slightly). Swimming. Shopping. Singing. Tats. Seeing strange things on TV.

The experience was great. Enjoyable.
I felt the turning point. The balance that I struggled to achieve, between responsibilities and approaching adulthood (gosh, I'm paying for my own housing and tuition... working my way through college... yay bills x_x).... and having the immature fun of being with those younger than you (jokes and quotes and more).

Turning point.
At 20.
To be continued.

~~
Looking forward to this semester actually. It's going to be yet another balancing act, with FIND, RAPS eboard, Targum work, 15 Credits, and a part time job.

But I love being busy.

So here's to being busy, productive, etc.
Because no matter how much I love "LAZY," being lazy will not get me anywhere in life.
Mhmmmm.

=]
That's all for now.
And I'll always remember...

Anything. Is. Possible.

2008-08-06T02:57:00.002-04:00

Yes, I thought I could get away with creating a new blog just for straight up writing.. but I can't get away from the ambiguous heart-felt statements that I'm so used to blurbing out!

So here's the one I just wrote while fighting sleepiness and a smile after a whirlwind of unexpected messages. Haha...:

psh. who's playin' who?

all i know is that i can't help but smile.

yeah, i've been through my share of ish, son. i was so emo and shit for a long time... so much so that i could kick myself just thinking about those times. i've got writings upon writings to prove it. i've got my ups and downs. life has its ups and downs. we've all got our insecurities.
trust and mistrust.
faith and faithlessness.

i.. don't know. countless times i gave up on so many things; but this early in the game, when it's so easy to talk to you and everything.. psh, i feel more confidence than usual. i don't know, maybe you make me want to match your confidence or something. ^_^

i know that friendship is valuable. i'm not looking for anything more than that right now. i've learned my lesson so-to-speak. and i'm nice enough to think about other people in a situation like mine.. (which, btw, you don't even know my situation, son! psssh. maybe i'll tell you. someday. laaadeedaa.)

so you chill, son! i got this on lock. i ain't easy, nor am i always miss nice girl. never really thought of myself in that light. i've always been the pessimistic one ... but i'm someone who strives to get what she wants when she thinks it's really worth it. (maybe i think you're really worth it. don't ask me why.. !)

so yea. i argue that you just don't know me well enough (mmm....yet. psh. xP).

even if you wanna 'shut me down' in that way, i don't care. be my friend! friends (for the most part lol) are awesome. =D

it's up to you to make the next move.
but... we don't have to end in checkmate just yet. haha~

now, time for sleep. nitey nite.

2008-08-02T00:07:00.000-04:00

Going down MEMORY LANE, folks.. because right now, I have too many thoughts in my head to actually produce something tangible/logical. It's been a long day.

Therefore! Memories, yes? Writings from the past?? Xangerrr revisted maybe?? Mmm.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

college debating
college this college that
and it all comes down to one school out of seven:

Rutgers University.

o_o
"what the hell?" you might say. yeah i was thinking the same thing. never in a million years would i have EVER even considered APPLYING to rutgers. but a lot can change in several months.

october-ish:
decided to just apply for the hell of it.

november-ish (i think):
first acceptance.
then the rest followed:
scranton, ithaca, st. peter's, montclair, hofstra, and finally fordham (FU i just got like 2 weeks ago lol)

as time progressed, it was like narrowed down to fordham, hofstra, or rutgers (tho that fluctuated)
60% sure about RU.. then 70%... 75%... etc...

march: (80% sure i was going)
scared left arm (5:57:38 PM): and im most likely going to ru tho not sure

and the percentage increased steadily.. little by little..
besides i spent like every weekend at rutgers anyway lmao...

and today, april 8, 2006, i officially enrolled. o_0

-the end of my college search process.
now the enrollment/college life/college payments/college forms/orientations begin.

xD
2010~ hopefully Journalism & Media Studies//Marketing double major..
or Journalism & Media Studies w/ Psychology minor.
or Marketing w/ Psychology minor.

o_o

Friday, November 12, 2004

(formerly) Protected entry. yuh huh. that's right. you should feel special. lolz

Today, or rather the past couple of days, we have been discussing love in religion class. all about love and hate and apathy. interesting topic to analyze. another discussion that i enjoyed was in english class today - about catcher in the rye, a classic novel we're reading.. and of course a slew of things were brought up and mentioned, mostly about teenage life, dealing with things, lying, and the like. boy, after all this, I was inspired. so now i'm here, even though i swore to myself that i wouldn't go near the computer this weekend, let alone today. but i just didn't last. har har.

LOVE. apparently, the opposite of love is not hate. in truth, the opposite of love is apathy. apathy is when you don't feel at all towards a person... there are no feelings involved, nothing. just... "dead" in a sense. to be apathetic to a person is worse than hate. for in hating someone, you do indeed care for that person. you may be saying "what?!"... well yes, you care for that person, because hate is an emotion, a feeling. so you do care about a person enough to hate them... whoa. confusing. but if you think about it, it's actually pretty darn true. and i just shook my head up and down as religion class ensued.

LYING. the main character/ narrator of Catcher in the Rye is Holden Caulfield, a "truth-stretcher" at best and a rutheless and thoughtless liar at worst. but of course, there are many underlying reasons as to why he does lie. hmm. sound familiar?.... in our lives, and i guess i'm merely speaking from my own personal point of view, we often do lie to cover up some underlying reason(s)... things we may not even realize at the time, much less dwell upon. it's a sad prospect, yes, but a very true and realistic occurence. it's something we cannot readily deny. it's just part of that "coming-of-age" thing i hear all the time in english class. it's part of finding yourself, part of the journey, a part that involves making the mistakes we can eventually learn from.

hmm. I will be honest in making the following short and consise observation, with no strings attached (and for generality's sake - note.. is generality a word?? haha): I'm sensitive, I understand, and I'm here for you. that's what being a friend's all about.

~Angelica

Friday, April 09, 2004

I'm not sure exactly why i do, but i always feel certain emotions that others go through. it probably is because i was born sensitive, emotionally sensitive. i cry when my friends do, i laugh when they do, i feel their pain, i feel their happiness. and sometimes i'm the supporter. and sometimes i'm the one needing support. and i know i have friends who are going to be there for me, as i am there for them.

i can't express how much i care for my friends, my family. there are times that i feel they aren't there for me.. but in the end, i know the truth. they'll never leave my side, and i will never leave theirs.

but there are things i never tell anyone, not a single soul, and one day the time will come for me to "bare all". but until then, i try to live my life each day. i know one thing's for sure: life is about questioning oneself. and as a teenager, this is especially hard. sometimes there are things in your heart that don't want to reveal themsleves. only time will tell.

if i start sounding weird, here comes more. ive been reading this book called "the Complete Idiot's Guide to Spirituality for Teens", and i have to say that this is the most insightful and true-to-heart book on Spirituality that i've ever read.

"A spiritual life is in pursuit of the genuine good life. It seeks goodness-real goodness. It believes taht without goodness, Life is empty; Life is void of meaning; Life is without hope."
"Strive to know the truth. Strive to know what you truly feel. Strive to know what you truly think. Strive to know that you truly believe. Look for the truth in others. Live your truth. Let your chioces be informed by the truth. Never fear the truth."
And so much more. Some of the words in this book are so .... powerful and meaningful that it really makes me question a lot in life... and search for the truth.

~Gelz
"The world is hard to love, though we must love it because we have no other, and to fail to love it is not to exist at all." - Mark Van Doren

that's it for now.. sleepy sleep.

lonelygirl15 audition

2008-07-29T10:43:00.001-04:00

source: HappySlip

When the news came out that the infamous "lonelygirl15" was not a real vlogger but an actress, I released this footage of my rejected audition to be l… more

2008-07-28T22:15:00.001-04:00

I've always been a writer - though publicly? Perhaps not as much. Maybe one day I'll find that niche, that type of writing, which works for me. I've dabbled in poetry in the past; emo rants; contemplative, introspective essays; analysis/collection of quotes.... written about laughter, sadness, anger - every possible emotion...

I strive to write as often as possible in a little black notebook, which I carry with me at all times.

(to be continued)

Here I am.
Take me for what I am.

I'm going to try serious blogging (again) from now on... (maybe).

And perhaps I'll start taking pictures along with blogs.

'Til next time.