a midterm paper due tomorrow..
a midterm at five..
yay crunch time of college life.
my semester is full of classes that only have midterms and papers...few exams and quizzes... zero finals.
it's odd, but it seems like all the pressure was on this one week.
as it comes to a close..
hell... i want to party it up.
sad that this is my first year living on campus, yet i haven't gotten a chance to really party.
=/

so.. it's getting colder out.
the kind of weather where you want to just snuggle up to someone while in a hoodie and sweats.
with hot cocoa (hell yeah, hot chocolate = love).
and soup.
and watch a movie on the tube.
and nap.
and stay inside.

=]




PS. you're right. i should smile more. you should too!

The best (and worst) and possibly the harshest (and straightforward) piece of advice I feel I can give to you (and myself) is..

the only person that can make decisions for you is... you.

It sucks - I know.
I feel ya.
I know uncertainty - for what would life be without it?
Two sides of a coin - choices to be made.. altering your life.
What would life be without it being altered?

I've felt lowest of low. The bottom of uncertainty.
And all the voices, all those that attempt to help.. they say what they have to say. In the end.. it's you.
No pressure - none at all...

Two opposites - two dichotomies .

Okay.. now I'm just venturing into a topic about myself. (don't read... or do.)
I feel like - save for the whole mental craziness (which I know for a fact I'm not crazy/mentally ill)..
I feel like I've lived dual lives. I've been two people growing up. Looking back at it all.. it's true, actually.

Since kindergarten - and basically the life I've known for as far back as I remember - I've lived in two different houses. Father's house during the weekends. Mother's house 5 days a week.
For the majority of that all, I was only a 5 minute drive away from one house... but growing up, I experienced two separate parental experiences... becoming two different kinds of people.
At mom's - she wasn't there as much - I was forever in after care. She was not the breadwinner/money maker. She gave me what she could. She was super over-protective, super affectionate, super mom - super frustrated from work frustrations... super quick-tempered... NOT super strict. I did, for the most part, what I wanted. As I grew older, I we got into many disagreements. Stupid little things would get me angry at her - she would get angry at me for stupid little things. I was.. in a lot of ways, a reflection of her - spunky, outspoken, loud, 'street smart' in some ways. The English/communications/singing voice.. all from her. But because of our fights/disagreements.. I'd cry a lot, sometimes calling my dad on the phone late at night, because he would be a comforting voice, one who told me that I had a guardian angel that watched over me as I slept.
Flip the coin over - my Dad's. Weekends. The chill time - he was always there, simply because he was off from work. He did the NYC 9-5 chill life - doing a job that didn't compare to the stress my mom dealt with. So he was chill in his attitude with me - which changed a LOT from the way he dealt with my sister (as I've heard.. he was crazy strict with her.). He was strict - as far as hitting the books and helping around the house. And the funny thing was.. I.. followed him. I don't know what it was, but I idolized him - quoted him - believed his factoids and smiled more, maybe because he was always there for me when we could do the fun stuff, like shopping, and going to church, and relaxing.. playing tennis, teaching me ALL the sports in the world.. bringing out the tomboy in me that came naturally. But he was a quiet guy - and so I became quiet. Reserved. I piped up only when I needed to. Quiet, complacent, obedient. Appreciative... not like the caustic/disagreeable relation I had with my mom during the regular school week.

Then high school. I started to break through that 'quiet' at my dad's - and he didn't like it all too much. I blamed it on the confusion/uncomfortable feeling I got being there more and more.. because of Vincent and Vincent's mom living there in Union. I think I got seriously jealous of them - taking my dad's attention away - because I was, and forever still feel like, daddy's little girl. Long story short.. we didn't speak for a year - my senior year of HS. That's the year I felt like I bloomed/grew out of my shell. Maybe subconsciously the quiet in me that I always had with my dad reflected towards my feelings towards the opposite sex - and after not talking to him for a year, I started getting lots of guy friends, talking to them, hanging out with them, appreciating them. This all started the year I didn't speak to him.

I also still didn't get along with mom. That didn't really change. But I was changing. I was quiet, and I was loud. I was confident, and I was complacent/obedient. I was stubborn in a good way and in a bad way.

I was complicated. I became complicated. I complicated things. I had attachment issues.

So where did that leave me as I entered college? I just experienced more life changing, more life-altering experiences. And.. they just keep coming.
I still feel like I'm two people. But in the end.. I'm just me. And.. the only person who can make decisions for myself is... myself.

Point: such is life. It's simply complicated. And no matter how much you think you can change things, or alter your life.. you take YOU with you. You're connected to the life you've made for yourself.

And now you're headed wherever you make yourself go.
Experience it. Breathe it in. It's.. going to be okay. Ha... okay.

Maybe I'm beginning to learn that I'm complicated for a reason. Maybe that reason is what I've always felt was my passion in trying to understand myself...
and that reason would be to try to understand others. And tell them they are not alone.
I'm no hero.
Maybe I have a calling.
Maybe I'm headed for so much more.
Maybe I am so much more.

I could keep going on... alas... life awaits. Lol. Goodnight.