baby, there's nothing but blue skies and the sun shining through.

i get so happy at the thought of you.

--

initial thoughts of the day / night:
i'm intimidated. intimidated by people with big resumes and lots of work experience; people in honors societies and fraternities; people with success written all over them after college. i'm intimidated... initially. and then i think... i just need to get better. and i am still a force to be reckoned with (okay.. a little too harsh there). i've got a decent resume myself, but i've got to show more commitment/drive. excel in some one area. i've shown interest in several different areas (jack-of-all-trades, much?)... but soon i've got to narrow things down. narrow my focus. focus. focus...

--

focus on THIS.

here i am, soon to be a rising senior. things are starting to appear at my feet (or rather, i fought for them). decisions have to be made - and soon.

DECISIVE POINT numero uno .
where to live~
so i had two choices. one, live with 2 guys - good friends, established relationships already. i know their cleaning habits. i know them. second, live with 3 girls - i don't know em, but i got the offer through a time-sensitive decision - i decided to live with them only a few hours after finding out. since then, it has been timed deadlines and not enough time to think - but now it seems i'm officially living on campus in the easton ave apts.
so many pros and cons i had listed out. money wise. people wise. experience wise. what-people-may-think wise. still quite wavering on this subject, but i'm trying to look at the good things right now.
i'm like the opposite of most college kids - i'm finally living on-campus... during the last part of my college career, not during my first year.

DECISIVE POINT numero dos .
what the ---- to do with my SUMMER 09~
section ichi: so i had been COMPLETELY dead set on this one goal of mine - to study abroad at the Temple University Japan Summer 09 Contemporary Media Culture program for 6 weeks. this program is only offered to undergrad students, and is only held EVERY OTHER YEAR. straight after exams, i'd head there, even to celebrate my 21st bday there. i'd be done by independence day. i would get credits that would be transferred to RU. i would receive an education in TOKYO, the place i've always dreamed about going to and experiencing. every summer i've wanted to go to Japan... and every summer it didn't work out. so this program looked AWESOME. i got letters of recommendation; papers for transferring credits approved; crazy amounts of info for the application. handed it in... and am still waiting on if i get in (they'd take my money.. shouldn't be too hard to get in..).

section ni: last fall, i went to disney-ABC in NYC for a fellowship information session. felt good to go there. i loved the vibe i felt from the company, and i've been told that it's one of the best companies to work for in the industry. so i decided to spam my resume and apply for all sorts of internships in the company. i did this around... october.
and fast-forward to two weeks ago. i get a call from there. HR lady pre-screens me for a summer internship with them in NYC. then fast-forward to today (or rather, yesterday). i get a call from the senior operations manager. me being so excited, i was only able to squeeze out "yes. definitely. yes. mmmmhmmm. yes." for most of the phone call. in the end, i said i was interested. either she or i will call by the beginning of next week to confirm. internship. experience. only 2 days a week, but it's ABC. A. B. C.

now comes the FML part.

Japan versus internship. I could have applied for so many other internships over the summer, but I didn't. Why? I was pretty set on going to Japan. But when ABC comes knocking at your door... things change. I won't get another opportunity to study abroad in Japan if I take this (I'll be graduated and done w/ college in no time). I may not get another chance with ABC if I go to Japan.




WTF DO I DO!? sleep for now of course. ash wednesday tomorrow. that means ashes on my forehead at 730AM, work out, work on more war concepts/review, make photocopies of documents for mailing, go to class, go to costco, go back home for dinner with mom (and to feed/clean my fish's bowl), and finally go back to RU for the RAPS meeting. FML.


FML... because half my days i love my life and am very appreciative - i want to live my life to the fullest.

and of course FML... because half my days are spent wondering why i feel so empty sometimes. i'm in search of meaning. constantly.

more to come.
goodnight, loves.

i just realized...

some people won't take me seriously.

some don't consider my major as hard work.

don't get me wrong. i've always been a hard worker.

i've always gotten the grade.

i can take calculus, i can take orgo chem.

i can do anything i want, because i'm capable.

so don't consider me, or my major, to be dumb.

don't underestimate.

just because i seem like i sit around

and do nothing sometimes,

doesn't indicate i have a lack of focus.

i have to do lists and check off lists

and still have time to have fun.
---

not going to wait around forever.
ya either want something, or not.

2 interviews in the past 2 days.
i'm getting used to the confidence i'm supposed to exude during these things.

today, le friday, has a schedule. like any other day.
just finished interview. now:
food. woodbridge mall. procrastination (media and gov analysis and quiz questions, war study guide, journalism scholarship apps, fill out my next year's housing contract, etc. save it for saturday & sunday). barrio fiesta practice. and party.

riddle me this:

do actions truly speak louder than words?

--

Like the clouds you drift me away


--

edit - 24 hours later:

it's amazing how little things are now making me think.

today.. outside was beautiful. the snow was falling around evverrrywhere.
i was getting pretty poetic today, but never wrote anything down.
i was trudging in the snow to 3 consecutive classes.
hung out with peeeeeps - cooked pasta with one, ate nuggets with another, and SKYPE'D for HOURS with many more. LOL.
played geetar for a bit too. sleeping time soon.

yesterday we watched a movie called "broadcast news" in journalism and american film class. such. a good. funny. movie. haha. and i don't know why, but it just spoke to me. i felt like i could apply it to my life. bwhahahahar.

and after speaking to a friend monday... yeah. leave it at that.

couldn't help it. thought about sledding down some hills, taking some crazy ass pictures of scenery and whatnot... pretty cute.

le sigh.

--