[find] meaning .

i really wish i could find a way to explain just why i feel this way .


a possibility.



do you have the drive to meet me?



lately i've been getting pretty serious.
doesn't mean i've lost my humor, or lost my smile.
i'm just trying to balance things. give me time.



"let's get the shit kicked out of us by love."
daniel, love actually .



part of waiting by gabe bondoc.

On more than one occasion, I tried to speak to your heart.
But in a game like this one. Babe, I'll only get one start.
And though I need my finish, Im gonna wait till its time,
How many times, do you have to meet the wrong guy,
to know that I'm on your side?

So I'll keep Waiting...
Hiding, masquerading,
Till your love starts changing, Baby
Looking for somebody like me to love.
Cause indifference shouldn't spark your interest.
They don't want your mind like, rain in springtime.
Like I do...

I wanna tell you so badly, I wanna quit and give in.
But hypothetical questions, post awkward situations.
None of the fellas that said things. They never meant them at all.
I just wanna be there, Baby. I'm on call.
Not that you need me at all ...

to my newfound friend :
'if you just hold my hand...
baby i promise i'll do all i can.'


you're sweet, flattering, and whatever.
i'm appreciative at best.
i'm thoroughly confused at worst.


---
it's a trying time for me. i'm simply getting used to just living the way i do; with the facade i try to put up. but i stay up late and i get tired; i sleep when i should work on things. i try to surround myself with friends but i end up feeling alone. i get in trouble with saying what i want to say... and so i continue to shell up even more.

i'm tired. i need to let go. and just let my feelings take over.
i need to search through myself, analyze my reasons for being here,
and love life.
so many things have been put into perspective; i still argue that i'm lucky.
yet i feel a space that i can't take away. a space between me and the rest of the world that's waiting for me.

is this how it was for you?
i know you felt it.
i felt it too.



---
a friend who i worked so hard to bring out of the depths is still here. he claims he realizes his faults, and how much it hurt me to see him hurt.
meanwhile i'm punishing myself for not being with you when you needed someone. when you pulled me aside several times, saying.. these may be the last words you say to me. i wondered why that sounded so strange; at the time, i only thought it was because you were going to be too busy for us, for me... that you were going to 'disappear' from the social realm to focus on other things. i was, at the time, angry at you for doing that to us/me. but i said i'd be there when you returned. i said that.
you called me three times the last week you were here on earth. you asked me to hang out; you were bored with your lab work. you were at the student center. you were at RU but everyone left for MR. PI, so you wanted me to go with you to NYC. you really wanted me to go because you wanted someone with you.
i heard that strange sense of urgency in your voice, yet that distance of feeling detached from us. it wasn't your soft voice. i said i'd let you know if i was going to let you join me on the way to queens.... that i'd call you back in two seconds. i asked if you could go. they said no. so i texted you back, afraid to call you and let you down. you never answered me again.


it's unreal because all i see it you smiling at me with your eyes... sitting in the passenger seat, saying 'you're beautiful.' reaching over and holding me. putting your arm around me for others to see. me feeling so awesome to be yours.
you staying by my side through the cotillion. you sitting next to me during X3. you giving me a card for my birthday.


you. sitting next to me. in the car. talking about your future.
me. picking you up from the train station. hanging out with you.
us. sitting in the car on the way to sonic with marc and gabe.
stuck in endless traffic. having a good time.
us. sitting in the car with our friend breaking down. you, questioning yourself, claiming you can't remember things, claiming you can't fill that void.

you. watching the notebook with me. you. eating that tub of ice cream happily.
you. texting me 'tadaima' ("i'm home") after you got home from being passed out on my floor from drinking too much.
you. telling me stories about girls and drinking and whatnot.

you. being my friend, the way i always wanted us to be.
us.
me.
denying that you were that bad off. focusing only on the one who wore his heart on his sleeve, his pain in his eyes. you. the one who hid it all, and managed to surprise us all when you pulled it off.

us. left behind.
me.
wanting to know what it's like to step off this world. the split second where you told yourself it's over. or that it's just beginning. the split second where you didn't know what to expect next. the split second where you saw something then ceased to see at all.

me. going crazy.
me. losing friends.
me. questioning life.
me. trying. trying to live for you, so that i can continue to tell you later on in life what i've done for myself, and why you'd be proud of me.

me. scared.
me. wanting to live life.
me. wanting to love.
me. wanting to get close to people again, but wondering what tomorrow will bring if i do so.



---
my friend wrote me a letter.. and because of it i felt like i meant something, like i did something to impact a life.
'my mask was broken but i still tried to hide behind it. and now it has cost me so much, hurt me so much, but it hurt someone close to me even more. those words of her, those tears shed from here were all real. all she was trying to do was get me to wake up. i'm slowly awakening, slowly throwing this useless mask of mine. she wants me to smile so bad. it's one simple thing she wants me to do. to be genuinely happy and to smile without the fakeness that has ruled me.'

i see. how was i a hero to you. how did i dig you out of that depth you once were in... i 'saved' you, but ended up staying down there myself. i distanced myself from you so that i wouldn't surround myself with negative people anymore.
and now we're brought back together after finding out that our friend did what neither of us wanted to admit, what you wanted to do but i prevented you from following through...
if i saved you... make it count. make life count.
for the one who brought reality into our lives, the one reality i tried to not let come true.
the act that i once hated with a passion.

---
why did it come true.
why couldn't i save you.

Dear Eric,

Why hello, Mr. KingEricFriday, Mr. My-favorite-color-is-blue.
It was only yesterday that i met you during cotillion practice, that we chatted online and hit it off; only yesterday that i invited you as my guest to my graduation, driving you back home through driving rain, holding your hand.
Only yesterday that we stole each other's first kiss.
Erikku-kun, there is nothing i can say that i'm sure others haven't said already. Two years ago I fell for your smarts, your quirkiness, your beautiful piano playing, your knowledge of japanese, and your gaming skills.
For that time we had together, we were able to share so much of our life stories. How can I ever forget your sweet smile, the way you looked at me, the way you were such a helping hand to others.
Remember the hammock at Catherine’s house? The summer days with friends? Our dance to “It Might Be You?” by Kai? I even gave you a mix CD. One of the songs was a piano piece I had composed and recorded for you. I called it, “His Theme,” in true Final Fantasy fashion.
Even when there was a time when we didn’t talk too often, I still thought of you and our friendship. Then as we became closer friends this past summer, we shared many more memories. You confided in me more, and I in you. Almost every day after our summer jobs we’d meet up to hang out. Ericka coined it my “entourage,” which included you, Gabe, Marc, and Justin. We went randomly to the beach, or on random drives. You even stayed awake and texted me at 5 am to say “happy 4th of july sunrise.”

Remember when i said i would always be there, even when you spoke of the void you often felt? Even though you felt doubt sometimes, you still shared your thoughts of your future. You wanted to get an apartment instead of a car, and i suggested that you buy at least a bike to get to work. In car rides or during our pizza lunches, you talked about your senior design project, your two summer jobs, your pride in being Abby’s teacher in both dance and academics. You were saving up to get some suits for ‘the real world.’ You were changing and growing, but at the same time, you were still that guy I liked and admired from two years ago. As a friend, you were awesome. As Ike or Marth, you were ready to beat my housemates in Super Smash Brothers anytime.
Did the sun rise for you now, Eric? You’re leaving all of us with so many memories, memories that won’t be forgotten. You.. will not be forgotten.

Even yesterday (or rather, this morning)… while I spent time at your house making origami and laughing alongside your friends and family, I felt your presence.
You were there when we made paper roses.
I tried hard to make one as beautiful as the ones you would make for others.
Even when I was playing the piano pieces that you inspired me to learn... you were there.
You brought us together.

I hope you don't mind that I'm writing a little something about you to share with your family and friends. You were always private, often blocking your face from pictures. Only now, Eric, I ask that you uncover your face for us to see it smiling.
I’ll see your smile every time I play Canon in C – the My Sassy Girl version, the one you taught me. I’ll see your smile whenever I eat an Oreo cookie. I’ll see your smile whenever I attempt to speak Japanese.
You know, one of the very first text messages you sent me. actually was my first lesson in Japanese. You taught me how to say ‘good night.’
So now I want to say goodnight to you, Erikku-kun. Oyasuminasai.
We’ll miss you.

i know other people have their own goodbyes to say, they're own write-ups, they're own tears.

for now.. all i want to say for now is... thank you for all the memories.

i have a feeling i'm going to be writing a lot about you. i hope you don't mind.. it's just the way i usually deal with things.

anyway... happy belated 21st birthday.
goodnight, cookie cookie.
oyasuminasai.
the first japanese phrase you taught me in that text message so long ago.


i just recently brought back the song that i thought i couldn't ever listen to again.. and i think now i know why i brought it back.
somehow you were never far from my thoughts.
you will never be far from my thoughts.


"it might be you - kai".

i've been saving love songs and lullabies.



remember when i said i would always be there? when you ran away from the car? when you spoke of the void you felt. the memories you would forget. how you would always talk about going away. how many times you called me to hang out and i just didn't pull through. how much you thought of your future - getting an apartment instead of a car, and i suggested you buy a bike to get to work at least. how we went randomly to the beach. how you texted me at 5 am to say happy 4th of july sunrise (did it rise yet?).
how i always thought we'd be friends even through it all.

how we first held hands. the way you looked at me. the notebook (ha, that movie..). the japanese you taught me. the my sassy girl canon in C piece you taught me. the weird videos you would show me on youtube. the FF/DOA video compilation. smash and your conceit with ike/marth.

you.

the ups, the downs.
how i told you i'd always be there when you returned...

i can't put you to rest because of the few yet many memories we've had.
i know how others feel. how angry they must feel. i know i relate to them.. and also i can relate to the thoughts you had.
cj said.. 'we're all somehow connected.' yes we are.. indeed, we are.
i can't put you to rest because you'll never be forgotten.

again. i hope you don't mind that i'm writing about you. you were always private, saying 'i thought we weren't going to put those pictures up.' hah.. sorry...

miss you, erikku-kun.

lucky post. number 13/14 (one's gotta be a draft/hidden or something). ooh.

currently listening to miss independent - ne-yo. it's an okay but catchy song.

so i woke up this morning and played Ace, my new geetar, for about an hour. felt good actually. i'm in the middle of class right now. oops. guitar lessons this morning instead of histories of the pacific. such is life.

i was meaning to write a blog yesterday about an observation i've made about my room here at the apartment. i'm sure many people can agree when i say that you can tell a lot about a person just by looking around their room.

for the longest time (aka this summer, for the first few months after move-in)... my room was very simplistic. now i'm starting to pile up papers.. and i should really clean those up. i should also get an organizer for my closet now that i moved my suitcase out of it.

anyway... let's go through my desk area.. (-_-) keep in mind i'm attempting to look at it on a first impression basis.

first: a side of the wall full of cut outs of pictures i took that ended up in the Targum. now there's plenty that aren't all the wall anymore (1. too lazy to put em up, and 2. too many! my wall might be covered in conceit/pride over pictures that were published). to the right of this montage is a poster that has the chinese characters for Truth, Beauty, Freedom, and Love. I've had this poster at my dad's house for the longest time (maybe 10 years now??) and I just recently put it up on my wall. I saw the same poster at Blockbuster last night (with a frame around it).. it was 'staring' at me through the window. hanging on the poster's side is a lanyard with the RAPS media crew 2008 credential. below that is a copy of my old resume, and a small RAPS business card.
then there's a white crate organizer filled with papers on top of it. from what i can see.. there's an WABC-TV spring 09 internships flyer; a Temple U summer programs brochure; the High School Musical 3 Soundtrack Costco box; Bose headphones; China Nite XIII DVD box; and a program for Pauline's Sweet 16 (a video gig I did).

onto the actual DESK! a photo frame given as a gift.. but I didn't fill all the pictures in yet. a heart picture collage i made in like, 2nd grade, with my sister/mom/dad and myself in the heart. HSM3 actual CD box. iClicker (ew). Bailamos flyer from a salsa gig last april. my computer (apple baby love). my portable hard drive. Time magazine with Obama/McCain on the cover (duh). A movie ticket for Star Wars Clone Wars (lol). more random papers, including an index card with a thousand and one things i wrote on it (it was a legal cheat sheet for an exam). bank of america statement mailing. moonlight path body cream. a desk lamp i've had for a long time at my dad's house.

the last noticeable thing is a poster i bought at rutgers of a sunset (or sunrise) with a palm tree silhouette. pretty.

things i feel i lack (unless you look at my computer's desktop) is a Heroes picture. or an 'obligatory' girlie picture of a hot guy (idk, james mcavoy? milo? christian bale? zac..efron? lol!).

gahdamn. what an overview. look on top of my fridge next to me. pandasal and my sample election ballot, ready to go for voting tomorrow back at home. water bottle (LOVE!). red bedsheets (favorite color!) black geetar, ace, with a playing cards geetar strap (hence the name Ace. besides, my previous geetar is Aiden. maybe I wanted to stick to the A theme.) eskrima sticks and a flashlight at my bedside. tissue box to boot. jewelry/girlie hair products/contact solution/perfume/water bottles/ clock and more on top of the clothes dresser.

ooh listening to spanish guitar - carlos santana. say word. mmm.

my closet needs work in the neat department. yea.

safe to say i've made me home here. paying for my apartment and my tuition and other expenses, all on my own, has been a feat these past few months. i guess i'm proud of myself for handling these responsibilities.. paying the bills on time... etc.

i'm not always here - most of the time i'm floating around, doing busy work... - so nothing has really changed by my living on campus. only big factor would be the convenience of not having to drive here and live out of my trunk.
big plus of living practically on campus.

i'm grateful. and well.. i'm...

lucky. yes.

lucky is the word.