merry christmas eve, everyone... as i sit in the apartment in NB, waiting to go homeward bound again. the streets of NB are empty. everyone's home. it's kind of .. peaceful.

--
Risk.
To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out for another is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas, your dreams before the crowd, is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing does nothing.
Has nothing, is nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow but he simply cannot learn, feel, change, grow, live, love…
Only a person who risks is free.

you give me an unexplainable confidence half the time.
half the time i don't want to admit that you're something special.


[maybe i think you're really worth it.]


~~

play piano the way you used to.

tadaima.

one month.
we miss you.

check it out.. i printed out a few pictures of us / you . got my favorite picture hanging up on my wall now. you're smiling with the dorky peace sign. xP [i'm doing the same pose.]



right now i'm thinking about you a lot. i'm creating your picture story for my final project for photojournalism.

as painful as it is to see these pictures... i've gotta convey the message. who you were, who went to visit you...


i feel like i can work hard on this project simply because it's about you.
so give me guidance. you were always driven.

[find] meaning .

i really wish i could find a way to explain just why i feel this way .


a possibility.



do you have the drive to meet me?



lately i've been getting pretty serious.
doesn't mean i've lost my humor, or lost my smile.
i'm just trying to balance things. give me time.



"let's get the shit kicked out of us by love."
daniel, love actually .



part of waiting by gabe bondoc.

On more than one occasion, I tried to speak to your heart.
But in a game like this one. Babe, I'll only get one start.
And though I need my finish, Im gonna wait till its time,
How many times, do you have to meet the wrong guy,
to know that I'm on your side?

So I'll keep Waiting...
Hiding, masquerading,
Till your love starts changing, Baby
Looking for somebody like me to love.
Cause indifference shouldn't spark your interest.
They don't want your mind like, rain in springtime.
Like I do...

I wanna tell you so badly, I wanna quit and give in.
But hypothetical questions, post awkward situations.
None of the fellas that said things. They never meant them at all.
I just wanna be there, Baby. I'm on call.
Not that you need me at all ...

to my newfound friend :
'if you just hold my hand...
baby i promise i'll do all i can.'


you're sweet, flattering, and whatever.
i'm appreciative at best.
i'm thoroughly confused at worst.


---
it's a trying time for me. i'm simply getting used to just living the way i do; with the facade i try to put up. but i stay up late and i get tired; i sleep when i should work on things. i try to surround myself with friends but i end up feeling alone. i get in trouble with saying what i want to say... and so i continue to shell up even more.

i'm tired. i need to let go. and just let my feelings take over.
i need to search through myself, analyze my reasons for being here,
and love life.
so many things have been put into perspective; i still argue that i'm lucky.
yet i feel a space that i can't take away. a space between me and the rest of the world that's waiting for me.

is this how it was for you?
i know you felt it.
i felt it too.



---
a friend who i worked so hard to bring out of the depths is still here. he claims he realizes his faults, and how much it hurt me to see him hurt.
meanwhile i'm punishing myself for not being with you when you needed someone. when you pulled me aside several times, saying.. these may be the last words you say to me. i wondered why that sounded so strange; at the time, i only thought it was because you were going to be too busy for us, for me... that you were going to 'disappear' from the social realm to focus on other things. i was, at the time, angry at you for doing that to us/me. but i said i'd be there when you returned. i said that.
you called me three times the last week you were here on earth. you asked me to hang out; you were bored with your lab work. you were at the student center. you were at RU but everyone left for MR. PI, so you wanted me to go with you to NYC. you really wanted me to go because you wanted someone with you.
i heard that strange sense of urgency in your voice, yet that distance of feeling detached from us. it wasn't your soft voice. i said i'd let you know if i was going to let you join me on the way to queens.... that i'd call you back in two seconds. i asked if you could go. they said no. so i texted you back, afraid to call you and let you down. you never answered me again.


it's unreal because all i see it you smiling at me with your eyes... sitting in the passenger seat, saying 'you're beautiful.' reaching over and holding me. putting your arm around me for others to see. me feeling so awesome to be yours.
you staying by my side through the cotillion. you sitting next to me during X3. you giving me a card for my birthday.


you. sitting next to me. in the car. talking about your future.
me. picking you up from the train station. hanging out with you.
us. sitting in the car on the way to sonic with marc and gabe.
stuck in endless traffic. having a good time.
us. sitting in the car with our friend breaking down. you, questioning yourself, claiming you can't remember things, claiming you can't fill that void.

you. watching the notebook with me. you. eating that tub of ice cream happily.
you. texting me 'tadaima' ("i'm home") after you got home from being passed out on my floor from drinking too much.
you. telling me stories about girls and drinking and whatnot.

you. being my friend, the way i always wanted us to be.
us.
me.
denying that you were that bad off. focusing only on the one who wore his heart on his sleeve, his pain in his eyes. you. the one who hid it all, and managed to surprise us all when you pulled it off.

us. left behind.
me.
wanting to know what it's like to step off this world. the split second where you told yourself it's over. or that it's just beginning. the split second where you didn't know what to expect next. the split second where you saw something then ceased to see at all.

me. going crazy.
me. losing friends.
me. questioning life.
me. trying. trying to live for you, so that i can continue to tell you later on in life what i've done for myself, and why you'd be proud of me.

me. scared.
me. wanting to live life.
me. wanting to love.
me. wanting to get close to people again, but wondering what tomorrow will bring if i do so.



---
my friend wrote me a letter.. and because of it i felt like i meant something, like i did something to impact a life.
'my mask was broken but i still tried to hide behind it. and now it has cost me so much, hurt me so much, but it hurt someone close to me even more. those words of her, those tears shed from here were all real. all she was trying to do was get me to wake up. i'm slowly awakening, slowly throwing this useless mask of mine. she wants me to smile so bad. it's one simple thing she wants me to do. to be genuinely happy and to smile without the fakeness that has ruled me.'

i see. how was i a hero to you. how did i dig you out of that depth you once were in... i 'saved' you, but ended up staying down there myself. i distanced myself from you so that i wouldn't surround myself with negative people anymore.
and now we're brought back together after finding out that our friend did what neither of us wanted to admit, what you wanted to do but i prevented you from following through...
if i saved you... make it count. make life count.
for the one who brought reality into our lives, the one reality i tried to not let come true.
the act that i once hated with a passion.

---
why did it come true.
why couldn't i save you.

Dear Eric,

Why hello, Mr. KingEricFriday, Mr. My-favorite-color-is-blue.
It was only yesterday that i met you during cotillion practice, that we chatted online and hit it off; only yesterday that i invited you as my guest to my graduation, driving you back home through driving rain, holding your hand.
Only yesterday that we stole each other's first kiss.
Erikku-kun, there is nothing i can say that i'm sure others haven't said already. Two years ago I fell for your smarts, your quirkiness, your beautiful piano playing, your knowledge of japanese, and your gaming skills.
For that time we had together, we were able to share so much of our life stories. How can I ever forget your sweet smile, the way you looked at me, the way you were such a helping hand to others.
Remember the hammock at Catherine’s house? The summer days with friends? Our dance to “It Might Be You?” by Kai? I even gave you a mix CD. One of the songs was a piano piece I had composed and recorded for you. I called it, “His Theme,” in true Final Fantasy fashion.
Even when there was a time when we didn’t talk too often, I still thought of you and our friendship. Then as we became closer friends this past summer, we shared many more memories. You confided in me more, and I in you. Almost every day after our summer jobs we’d meet up to hang out. Ericka coined it my “entourage,” which included you, Gabe, Marc, and Justin. We went randomly to the beach, or on random drives. You even stayed awake and texted me at 5 am to say “happy 4th of july sunrise.”

Remember when i said i would always be there, even when you spoke of the void you often felt? Even though you felt doubt sometimes, you still shared your thoughts of your future. You wanted to get an apartment instead of a car, and i suggested that you buy at least a bike to get to work. In car rides or during our pizza lunches, you talked about your senior design project, your two summer jobs, your pride in being Abby’s teacher in both dance and academics. You were saving up to get some suits for ‘the real world.’ You were changing and growing, but at the same time, you were still that guy I liked and admired from two years ago. As a friend, you were awesome. As Ike or Marth, you were ready to beat my housemates in Super Smash Brothers anytime.
Did the sun rise for you now, Eric? You’re leaving all of us with so many memories, memories that won’t be forgotten. You.. will not be forgotten.

Even yesterday (or rather, this morning)… while I spent time at your house making origami and laughing alongside your friends and family, I felt your presence.
You were there when we made paper roses.
I tried hard to make one as beautiful as the ones you would make for others.
Even when I was playing the piano pieces that you inspired me to learn... you were there.
You brought us together.

I hope you don't mind that I'm writing a little something about you to share with your family and friends. You were always private, often blocking your face from pictures. Only now, Eric, I ask that you uncover your face for us to see it smiling.
I’ll see your smile every time I play Canon in C – the My Sassy Girl version, the one you taught me. I’ll see your smile whenever I eat an Oreo cookie. I’ll see your smile whenever I attempt to speak Japanese.
You know, one of the very first text messages you sent me. actually was my first lesson in Japanese. You taught me how to say ‘good night.’
So now I want to say goodnight to you, Erikku-kun. Oyasuminasai.
We’ll miss you.

i know other people have their own goodbyes to say, they're own write-ups, they're own tears.

for now.. all i want to say for now is... thank you for all the memories.

i have a feeling i'm going to be writing a lot about you. i hope you don't mind.. it's just the way i usually deal with things.

anyway... happy belated 21st birthday.
goodnight, cookie cookie.
oyasuminasai.
the first japanese phrase you taught me in that text message so long ago.


i just recently brought back the song that i thought i couldn't ever listen to again.. and i think now i know why i brought it back.
somehow you were never far from my thoughts.
you will never be far from my thoughts.


"it might be you - kai".

i've been saving love songs and lullabies.



remember when i said i would always be there? when you ran away from the car? when you spoke of the void you felt. the memories you would forget. how you would always talk about going away. how many times you called me to hang out and i just didn't pull through. how much you thought of your future - getting an apartment instead of a car, and i suggested you buy a bike to get to work at least. how we went randomly to the beach. how you texted me at 5 am to say happy 4th of july sunrise (did it rise yet?).
how i always thought we'd be friends even through it all.

how we first held hands. the way you looked at me. the notebook (ha, that movie..). the japanese you taught me. the my sassy girl canon in C piece you taught me. the weird videos you would show me on youtube. the FF/DOA video compilation. smash and your conceit with ike/marth.

you.

the ups, the downs.
how i told you i'd always be there when you returned...

i can't put you to rest because of the few yet many memories we've had.
i know how others feel. how angry they must feel. i know i relate to them.. and also i can relate to the thoughts you had.
cj said.. 'we're all somehow connected.' yes we are.. indeed, we are.
i can't put you to rest because you'll never be forgotten.

again. i hope you don't mind that i'm writing about you. you were always private, saying 'i thought we weren't going to put those pictures up.' hah.. sorry...

miss you, erikku-kun.

lucky post. number 13/14 (one's gotta be a draft/hidden or something). ooh.

currently listening to miss independent - ne-yo. it's an okay but catchy song.

so i woke up this morning and played Ace, my new geetar, for about an hour. felt good actually. i'm in the middle of class right now. oops. guitar lessons this morning instead of histories of the pacific. such is life.

i was meaning to write a blog yesterday about an observation i've made about my room here at the apartment. i'm sure many people can agree when i say that you can tell a lot about a person just by looking around their room.

for the longest time (aka this summer, for the first few months after move-in)... my room was very simplistic. now i'm starting to pile up papers.. and i should really clean those up. i should also get an organizer for my closet now that i moved my suitcase out of it.

anyway... let's go through my desk area.. (-_-) keep in mind i'm attempting to look at it on a first impression basis.

first: a side of the wall full of cut outs of pictures i took that ended up in the Targum. now there's plenty that aren't all the wall anymore (1. too lazy to put em up, and 2. too many! my wall might be covered in conceit/pride over pictures that were published). to the right of this montage is a poster that has the chinese characters for Truth, Beauty, Freedom, and Love. I've had this poster at my dad's house for the longest time (maybe 10 years now??) and I just recently put it up on my wall. I saw the same poster at Blockbuster last night (with a frame around it).. it was 'staring' at me through the window. hanging on the poster's side is a lanyard with the RAPS media crew 2008 credential. below that is a copy of my old resume, and a small RAPS business card.
then there's a white crate organizer filled with papers on top of it. from what i can see.. there's an WABC-TV spring 09 internships flyer; a Temple U summer programs brochure; the High School Musical 3 Soundtrack Costco box; Bose headphones; China Nite XIII DVD box; and a program for Pauline's Sweet 16 (a video gig I did).

onto the actual DESK! a photo frame given as a gift.. but I didn't fill all the pictures in yet. a heart picture collage i made in like, 2nd grade, with my sister/mom/dad and myself in the heart. HSM3 actual CD box. iClicker (ew). Bailamos flyer from a salsa gig last april. my computer (apple baby love). my portable hard drive. Time magazine with Obama/McCain on the cover (duh). A movie ticket for Star Wars Clone Wars (lol). more random papers, including an index card with a thousand and one things i wrote on it (it was a legal cheat sheet for an exam). bank of america statement mailing. moonlight path body cream. a desk lamp i've had for a long time at my dad's house.

the last noticeable thing is a poster i bought at rutgers of a sunset (or sunrise) with a palm tree silhouette. pretty.

things i feel i lack (unless you look at my computer's desktop) is a Heroes picture. or an 'obligatory' girlie picture of a hot guy (idk, james mcavoy? milo? christian bale? zac..efron? lol!).

gahdamn. what an overview. look on top of my fridge next to me. pandasal and my sample election ballot, ready to go for voting tomorrow back at home. water bottle (LOVE!). red bedsheets (favorite color!) black geetar, ace, with a playing cards geetar strap (hence the name Ace. besides, my previous geetar is Aiden. maybe I wanted to stick to the A theme.) eskrima sticks and a flashlight at my bedside. tissue box to boot. jewelry/girlie hair products/contact solution/perfume/water bottles/ clock and more on top of the clothes dresser.

ooh listening to spanish guitar - carlos santana. say word. mmm.

my closet needs work in the neat department. yea.

safe to say i've made me home here. paying for my apartment and my tuition and other expenses, all on my own, has been a feat these past few months. i guess i'm proud of myself for handling these responsibilities.. paying the bills on time... etc.

i'm not always here - most of the time i'm floating around, doing busy work... - so nothing has really changed by my living on campus. only big factor would be the convenience of not having to drive here and live out of my trunk.
big plus of living practically on campus.

i'm grateful. and well.. i'm...

lucky. yes.

lucky is the word.

a midterm paper due tomorrow..
a midterm at five..
yay crunch time of college life.
my semester is full of classes that only have midterms and papers...few exams and quizzes... zero finals.
it's odd, but it seems like all the pressure was on this one week.
as it comes to a close..
hell... i want to party it up.
sad that this is my first year living on campus, yet i haven't gotten a chance to really party.
=/

so.. it's getting colder out.
the kind of weather where you want to just snuggle up to someone while in a hoodie and sweats.
with hot cocoa (hell yeah, hot chocolate = love).
and soup.
and watch a movie on the tube.
and nap.
and stay inside.

=]




PS. you're right. i should smile more. you should too!

The best (and worst) and possibly the harshest (and straightforward) piece of advice I feel I can give to you (and myself) is..

the only person that can make decisions for you is... you.

It sucks - I know.
I feel ya.
I know uncertainty - for what would life be without it?
Two sides of a coin - choices to be made.. altering your life.
What would life be without it being altered?

I've felt lowest of low. The bottom of uncertainty.
And all the voices, all those that attempt to help.. they say what they have to say. In the end.. it's you.
No pressure - none at all...

Two opposites - two dichotomies .

Okay.. now I'm just venturing into a topic about myself. (don't read... or do.)
I feel like - save for the whole mental craziness (which I know for a fact I'm not crazy/mentally ill)..
I feel like I've lived dual lives. I've been two people growing up. Looking back at it all.. it's true, actually.

Since kindergarten - and basically the life I've known for as far back as I remember - I've lived in two different houses. Father's house during the weekends. Mother's house 5 days a week.
For the majority of that all, I was only a 5 minute drive away from one house... but growing up, I experienced two separate parental experiences... becoming two different kinds of people.
At mom's - she wasn't there as much - I was forever in after care. She was not the breadwinner/money maker. She gave me what she could. She was super over-protective, super affectionate, super mom - super frustrated from work frustrations... super quick-tempered... NOT super strict. I did, for the most part, what I wanted. As I grew older, I we got into many disagreements. Stupid little things would get me angry at her - she would get angry at me for stupid little things. I was.. in a lot of ways, a reflection of her - spunky, outspoken, loud, 'street smart' in some ways. The English/communications/singing voice.. all from her. But because of our fights/disagreements.. I'd cry a lot, sometimes calling my dad on the phone late at night, because he would be a comforting voice, one who told me that I had a guardian angel that watched over me as I slept.
Flip the coin over - my Dad's. Weekends. The chill time - he was always there, simply because he was off from work. He did the NYC 9-5 chill life - doing a job that didn't compare to the stress my mom dealt with. So he was chill in his attitude with me - which changed a LOT from the way he dealt with my sister (as I've heard.. he was crazy strict with her.). He was strict - as far as hitting the books and helping around the house. And the funny thing was.. I.. followed him. I don't know what it was, but I idolized him - quoted him - believed his factoids and smiled more, maybe because he was always there for me when we could do the fun stuff, like shopping, and going to church, and relaxing.. playing tennis, teaching me ALL the sports in the world.. bringing out the tomboy in me that came naturally. But he was a quiet guy - and so I became quiet. Reserved. I piped up only when I needed to. Quiet, complacent, obedient. Appreciative... not like the caustic/disagreeable relation I had with my mom during the regular school week.

Then high school. I started to break through that 'quiet' at my dad's - and he didn't like it all too much. I blamed it on the confusion/uncomfortable feeling I got being there more and more.. because of Vincent and Vincent's mom living there in Union. I think I got seriously jealous of them - taking my dad's attention away - because I was, and forever still feel like, daddy's little girl. Long story short.. we didn't speak for a year - my senior year of HS. That's the year I felt like I bloomed/grew out of my shell. Maybe subconsciously the quiet in me that I always had with my dad reflected towards my feelings towards the opposite sex - and after not talking to him for a year, I started getting lots of guy friends, talking to them, hanging out with them, appreciating them. This all started the year I didn't speak to him.

I also still didn't get along with mom. That didn't really change. But I was changing. I was quiet, and I was loud. I was confident, and I was complacent/obedient. I was stubborn in a good way and in a bad way.

I was complicated. I became complicated. I complicated things. I had attachment issues.

So where did that leave me as I entered college? I just experienced more life changing, more life-altering experiences. And.. they just keep coming.
I still feel like I'm two people. But in the end.. I'm just me. And.. the only person who can make decisions for myself is... myself.

Point: such is life. It's simply complicated. And no matter how much you think you can change things, or alter your life.. you take YOU with you. You're connected to the life you've made for yourself.

And now you're headed wherever you make yourself go.
Experience it. Breathe it in. It's.. going to be okay. Ha... okay.

Maybe I'm beginning to learn that I'm complicated for a reason. Maybe that reason is what I've always felt was my passion in trying to understand myself...
and that reason would be to try to understand others. And tell them they are not alone.
I'm no hero.
Maybe I have a calling.
Maybe I'm headed for so much more.
Maybe I am so much more.

I could keep going on... alas... life awaits. Lol. Goodnight.

do you believe in the meaning of dreams?

i'm beginning to.

my dreams are telling what my subconscious thinks about.


~~
A lot.

"So accept my emotion, do not take it as an offensive gesture
It's just the epitome of my soul
And I must be me..."

"Tie my hands
What am I gonna be
What have I done so bad
What is my destiny
Tie my hands
What am I supposed to see
What have I done so bad
What am I gonna be.."
It's just the epitome of my soul
And I must be me.."

What am I going to be?
What are we going to be?
What CAN we be?

I'm not going to deny it anymore.. I'm into you.
You say you're over it.. but I kind of feel the baggage.
Don't lie. I can be your friend. Talk to me.
Make me smile. I can make you smile.


Ha... this isn't like the past. Nothing like anything I've tried for.
That makes me believe that I could be happy.

--
Slow down.. I just wanna get to know you...
--

Male Friend:
the entire male race should feel this way.

Me:
like they want to be a manwhore for just a LITTLE longer before commitment?
i think that the entire male race DOES feel this way. well, majority.
because in some way, shape, or form, some bitch came along and crushed him.
...so that's why he doesn't want commitment, love, or boyfriend status.

Male Friend:
lol. people get crushed all the time.
it's happened to all of us.
you, me, him.
can't blame him for feeling this way. can't blame me for wanting to find out what's out there before setting up camp.

Me:
same goes for girls too
yeap.

-
oh, life.
as a friend, i'd be like no other.
given the chance.
give me the chance.

From a cheesy email thinger... ugh I'm sleepy.

Friends are like balloons; once you let them go,
you can't get them back. So I'm gonna tie you to
my heart so I never lose you.


Sleep.

Night falls.
Sleepy sleepy.
RAMBLING on.

Call me [crazy].


I just want something fresh.

..And a smile! .. wanting to smile.


The usual non-teenage angst.. more like.. seeing a new light.

Rather than mull over how frustrating some people can be... I think I must be with others who don't frustrate me. People whose presence can make me relax. A few come to mind.

That rap-your-arms-around-that-special-person-so-you-feel-like-everything's-going-to-be-okay type feeling. (haha, back to those. scroll down for a copy-paste later.)


Junior year, man. Schedule's sexy. Now to add more spice, some sass.

How [about] that.

I'm just rambling. Haven't partied and 'let loose' so-to-speak in a while. I've kind of grown really uptight. I need to unwind. Chill out. Ugh.

Maybe [you] can help me out. Whoever you are.

Let's chill. =]



~~

copied from my previous blog somewhere. lol.

type loves. Mar 7, '08 6:48 PM

yes, i know this has been done before...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c5WgmbMW7Ek

in response/inspiration..
I'd like that sit-and-stare-at-you-til-i-make-you-feel-the-same-way-about-me type love,
that i-just-can't-wait-to-see-you-again type love,
that wait-for-the-right-moment-to-tell-you-everything type love,
that just-one-hug-will-make-you-feel-better-about-everything type love,
that lying-down-underneath-the-stars-with-sand-in-your-toes type love,
that sing-your-song-out-loud-with-all-you've-got type love,
that magical-connection-when-you-strike-the-right-chord type love,
that let's-watch-the-sunrise-over-the-east-and-the-sunset-over-the-west-type love,
that i-will-wait-for-you-to-take-my-breath-away type love,
that single-moment-can-change-your-life type love,
that love.. that love that makes me feel whole.
that makes me smile.
that love whose song he sings from inside his heart tells me everything i wished for.
that love where the look in his eyes comforts my every insecurity.
that love whose hand fits mine, whose eyes lock into mine, whose dreams are my dreams, whose wishes are my wishes...
that love who is too shy to tell me the way i'm too shy to tell him...
that love where i can be confident in myself, he can be confident in himself, and yet we can return to each other, both individual people, both respecting the other, both taking our time.


~~
[now that I look back at this.. wtf was i thinking when i wrote that haha.]

Last night, after the cotillion I filmed, I had some 'revelations' so-to-speak.

I looked around my room at home (home-home, not apartment). And I thought of weird descriptions for the things I saw around my room.

For example:

Crayons: the medium of childhood.

Haha I know. Freakin' weird. Bear with me I guess. =D

Hmm.. what else.

I'm currently reading this book by Daniel Pink called "A Whole New Mind: Why Right-Brainers Will Rule the Future." I'll spare the details/description of the book for later... but anyway, I guess the book has got me thinking. In strange ways. But it's a really good book - and coming from someone who hasn't read anything substantial other than for schoolwork in a while... yea, that means something.

Anyway, I just read a chapter about how research has been producing other standardized testing besides the usual SATs and stuff. The US is a standardized test -driven country. Sick, no? So I thought of this one:

Number 2 Pencils: Etching in the future of children, one bubble at a time.
(rephrase as need be.. tried to go catchy with that...)

Sorry if others have done these things before; it's insanely hard not to intrude on the cliche nowadays. I mean, it's hard because there are SO many writers out there, so much so that I'm SURE someone has thought of the stupid things I was and am thinking about.

How do we even avoid being cliche? How can we fight to be original? These are some of the premises mentioned in the book I'm reading, so forgive me if I'm just questioning the cliche.

It's like stumbling upon landmines of copyrights and legalities and claims of ownership... Where's the free space that's left to just write originally? What space is left to be original?

See, the world is changing. And I diverge back into topics discussed in this book I'm reading. Yes, the world is changing. Because for the last century or so we've been in the Information Age, where Information was the key to success. Now...? The story is changing. Enter the world of the Conceptual Age, where the key to success will be something other than crunching numbers and logic and simplicity (these things can now be outsourced to India, the Philippines, ANYWHERE there's skilled workers who will work for such a lesser wage; on top of that, any COMPUTER can process menial/tedious info in SECONDS, which leaves regular logic-only people in the dust..).

Guess what? We've got to start thinking for ourselves. The statistics say so.
I could list em all out now, but I'll just recommend the book I'm reading.
So good. The future for us?

Not written in stone. Not mapped out based on standardized test scores that only measure the logistics and tangible numbers, but on what WE as HUMANS can present as ORIGINAL. How we are original is the key to success.

Push for originality. You're not the superstar you see on the big screen, because there's someone else who may fit the stereotypical mold that you fit in (trust me, the film industry can find another YOU who's better, because all they see is a headshot and a resume). You're not just a regular old engineer in the US (whose work can be replaced by an equally smart person off in another country). You're not just a computer programmer (because let's face it. Computers are going to rule us in the LOGIC department sooner than later - they've already created a software to CREATE softwares!).

What we DO have is this: You're the wannabe superstar with a creative edge - like, for instance a video attachment to your resume. You're the engineer with innovation - ahead of the game, because you have the resources available to you, so that you can forge ahead with a NEW technology. You're the computer programmer that knows humans better than computers know humans, so that you can create software that tailors much better to us humans.



WOW, way off tangent.
Anyway, off to go on a kind of 'retreat' away from NJ. Not going far, or for a long time, but.... whatev's. I'll be back and ready for school.

Laters.

Must gather up the strength to begin change and accept change.


To feel Independence again, to find a voice, to find reason, to renew.



To be continued.

Isn't it amazing?! I'm changing. Constantly. Growing.

Two weeks of relative freedom (minus China Nite DVD cranking out...), which equates to some "me" time and some well-needed hang out time.

Just got back from Cancun. Wrapped up my Japanese class with a grade I expected and worked hard for. Not working at AS anymore. Hoping to land this other job at a PR firm. Things are always CHANGING. And for someone who doesn't normally enjoy change, I can safely say I'm handling it relatively well (minus the occasional questioning of things... x_x).

All I really need right now is to continue pushing for focus and motivation the way I did this summer with my class.

Hmm... I'm listening to old school backstreet boys. HAHAHA. <3

Excerpt time from the black notebook, friends.

(premise: relaying some things from Cancun.. )

The humidity took some getting used to, but I enjoyed it after a while...
Highlights? Flea Market. Sea water. Pool flips. Chichen Itza. Cenote (water hole). Xcaret. Underground river. Snorkeling. Swimming in water where I can't touch the ground, with large fish way beneath me. Souvenirs. Getting wet in the rain. Jokes and laughing. Drinking at the bar. Being legal. Talks by the poolside. Metting a Japanese woman on our tour bus and conversing with her (slightly). Swimming. Shopping. Singing. Tats. Seeing strange things on TV.

The experience was great. Enjoyable.
I felt the turning point. The balance that I struggled to achieve, between responsibilities and approaching adulthood (gosh, I'm paying for my own housing and tuition... working my way through college... yay bills x_x).... and having the immature fun of being with those younger than you (jokes and quotes and more).

Turning point.
At 20.
To be continued.


~~
Looking forward to this semester actually. It's going to be yet another balancing act, with FIND, RAPS eboard, Targum work, 15 Credits, and a part time job.

But I love being busy.

So here's to being busy, productive, etc.
Because no matter how much I love "LAZY," being lazy will not get me anywhere in life.
Mhmmmm.

=]
That's all for now.
And I'll always remember...

Anything. Is. Possible.

Yes, I thought I could get away with creating a new blog just for straight up writing.. but I can't get away from the ambiguous heart-felt statements that I'm so used to blurbing out!


So here's the one I just wrote while fighting sleepiness and a smile after a whirlwind of unexpected messages. Haha...:




psh. who's playin' who?


all i know is that i can't help but smile.






yeah, i've been through my share of ish, son. i was so emo and shit for a long time... so much so that i could kick myself just thinking about those times. i've got writings upon writings to prove it. i've got my ups and downs. life has its ups and downs. we've all got our insecurities.
trust and mistrust.
faith and faithlessness.


i.. don't know. countless times i gave up on so many things; but this early in the game, when it's so easy to talk to you and everything.. psh, i feel more confidence than usual. i don't know, maybe you make me want to match your confidence or something. ^_^


i know that friendship is valuable. i'm not looking for anything more than that right now. i've learned my lesson so-to-speak. and i'm nice enough to think about other people in a situation like mine.. (which, btw, you don't even know my situation, son! psssh. maybe i'll tell you. someday. laaadeedaa.)

so you chill, son! i got this on lock. i ain't easy, nor am i always miss nice girl. never really thought of myself in that light. i've always been the pessimistic one ... but i'm someone who strives to get what she wants when she thinks it's really worth it. (maybe i think you're really worth it. don't ask me why.. !)

so yea. i argue that you just don't know me well enough (mmm....yet. psh. xP).

even if you wanna 'shut me down' in that way, i don't care. be my friend! friends (for the most part lol) are awesome. =D


it's up to you to make the next move.
but... we don't have to end in checkmate just yet. haha~



now, time for sleep. nitey nite.

Going down MEMORY LANE, folks.. because right now, I have too many thoughts in my head to actually produce something tangible/logical. It's been a long day.

Therefore! Memories, yes? Writings from the past?? Xangerrr revisted maybe?? Mmm.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

college debating college this college that and it all comes down to one school out of seven: Rutgers University. o_o "what the hell?" you might say. yeah i was thinking the same thing. never in a million years would i have EVER even considered APPLYING to rutgers. but a lot can change in several months. october-ish: decided to just apply for the hell of it. november-ish (i think): first acceptance. then the rest followed: scranton, ithaca, st. peter's, montclair, hofstra, and finally fordham (FU i just got like 2 weeks ago lol) as time progressed, it was like narrowed down to fordham, hofstra, or rutgers (tho that fluctuated) 60% sure about RU.. then 70%... 75%... etc... march: (80% sure i was going) scared left arm (5:57:38 PM): and im most likely going to ru tho not sure and the percentage increased steadily.. little by little.. besides i spent like every weekend at rutgers anyway lmao... and today, april 8, 2006, i officially enrolled. o_0 -the end of my college search process. now the enrollment/college life/college payments/college forms/orientations begin. xD 2010~ hopefully Journalism & Media Studies//Marketing double major.. or Journalism & Media Studies w/ Psychology minor. or Marketing w/ Psychology minor. o_o

Friday, November 12, 2004

(formerly) Protected entry. yuh huh. that's right. you should feel special. lolz Today, or rather the past couple of days, we have been discussing love in religion class. all about love and hate and apathy. interesting topic to analyze. another discussion that i enjoyed was in english class today - about catcher in the rye, a classic novel we're reading.. and of course a slew of things were brought up and mentioned, mostly about teenage life, dealing with things, lying, and the like. boy, after all this, I was inspired. so now i'm here, even though i swore to myself that i wouldn't go near the computer this weekend, let alone today. but i just didn't last. har har. LOVE. apparently, the opposite of love is not hate. in truth, the opposite of love is apathy. apathy is when you don't feel at all towards a person... there are no feelings involved, nothing. just... "dead" in a sense. to be apathetic to a person is worse than hate. for in hating someone, you do indeed care for that person. you may be saying "what?!"... well yes, you care for that person, because hate is an emotion, a feeling. so you do care about a person enough to hate them... whoa. confusing. but if you think about it, it's actually pretty darn true. and i just shook my head up and down as religion class ensued. LYING. the main character/ narrator of Catcher in the Rye is Holden Caulfield, a "truth-stretcher" at best and a rutheless and thoughtless liar at worst. but of course, there are many underlying reasons as to why he does lie. hmm. sound familiar?.... in our lives, and i guess i'm merely speaking from my own personal point of view, we often do lie to cover up some underlying reason(s)... things we may not even realize at the time, much less dwell upon. it's a sad prospect, yes, but a very true and realistic occurence. it's something we cannot readily deny. it's just part of that "coming-of-age" thing i hear all the time in english class. it's part of finding yourself, part of the journey, a part that involves making the mistakes we can eventually learn from. hmm. I will be honest in making the following short and consise observation, with no strings attached (and for generality's sake - note.. is generality a word?? haha): I'm sensitive, I understand, and I'm here for you. that's what being a friend's all about. ~Angelica

Friday, April 09, 2004

I'm not sure exactly why i do, but i always feel certain emotions that others go through. it probably is because i was born sensitive, emotionally sensitive. i cry when my friends do, i laugh when they do, i feel their pain, i feel their happiness. and sometimes i'm the supporter. and sometimes i'm the one needing support. and i know i have friends who are going to be there for me, as i am there for them.

i can't express how much i care for my friends, my family. there are times that i feel they aren't there for me.. but in the end, i know the truth. they'll never leave my side, and i will never leave theirs.

but there are things i never tell anyone, not a single soul, and one day the time will come for me to "bare all". but until then, i try to live my life each day. i know one thing's for sure: life is about questioning oneself. and as a teenager, this is especially hard. sometimes there are things in your heart that don't want to reveal themsleves. only time will tell.

if i start sounding weird, here comes more. ive been reading this book called "the Complete Idiot's Guide to Spirituality for Teens", and i have to say that this is the most insightful and true-to-heart book on Spirituality that i've ever read.

"A spiritual life is in pursuit of the genuine good life. It seeks goodness-real goodness. It believes taht without goodness, Life is empty; Life is void of meaning; Life is without hope."
"Strive to know the truth. Strive to know what you truly feel. Strive to know what you truly think. Strive to know that you truly believe. Look for the truth in others. Live your truth. Let your chioces be informed by the truth. Never fear the truth."
And so much more. Some of the words in this book are so .... powerful and meaningful that it really makes me question a lot in life... and search for the truth.

~Gelz
"The world is hard to love, though we must love it because we have no other, and to fail to love it is not to exist at all." - Mark Van Doren

that's it for now.. sleepy sleep.

lonelygirl15 audition

source: HappySlip

When the news came out that the infamous "lonelygirl15" was not a real vlogger but an actress, I released this footage of my rejected audition to be l… more

I've always been a writer - though publicly? Perhaps not as much. Maybe one day I'll find that niche, that type of writing, which works for me. I've dabbled in poetry in the past; emo rants; contemplative, introspective essays; analysis/collection of quotes.... written about laughter, sadness, anger - every possible emotion...

I strive to write as often as possible in a little black notebook, which I carry with me at all times.

(to be continued)


Here I am.
Take me for what I am.


I'm going to try serious blogging (again) from now on... (maybe).

And perhaps I'll start taking pictures along with blogs.


'Til next time.