can't wait to fulfill goals, one at a time.

1. GRADUATE in MAY 2010 baby.

2. Party in celebration for 2 weeks!

3. Go ABROAD, baby. Yes, FINALLY, the college-long wish to go to Japan shall be fulfilled - no if's, and's, or but's. 10 days in Japan, 3/4 weeks in the Philippines! CAN'T WAIT.

4. Find a JOB and LOVE it. Give it my all. Make a decent amount and start saving for life's middle class pleasures. Short/long term financial goals... like rent, bills, new wardrobe, a bmw 1 series.. haha.

5. Think about pursuing my MBA in a year or two! Media Management? Straight up financial ish? Career change completely? Don't know yet.



2010-2011, you'll be LIFE CHANGING.

listening to melodies of life, FFIX piano collection.


11/6/08, my eulogy.


Dear Eric,

Why hello, Mr. KingEricFriday, Mr. My-favorite-color-is-blue.
It was only yesterday that i met you during cotillion practice, that we chatted online and hit it off; only yesterday that i invited you as my guest to my graduation, driving you back home through driving rain, holding your hand.
Only yesterday that we stole each other's first kiss.

Erikku-kun, there is nothing i can say that i'm sure others haven't said already. Two years ago I fell for your smarts, your quirkiness, your beautiful piano playing, your knowledge of japanese, and your gaming skills.

For that time we had together, we were able to share so much of our life stories. How can I ever forget your sweet smile, the way you looked at me, the way you were such a helping hand to others.

Remember the hammock at Catherine’s house? The summer days with friends? Our dance to “It Might Be You?” by Kai? I even gave you a mix CD. One of the songs was a piano piece I had composed and recorded for you. I called it, “His Theme,” in true Final Fantasy fashion.

Even when there was a time when we didn’t talk too often, I still thought of you and our friendship. Then as we became closer friends this past summer, we shared many more memories. You confided in me more, and I in you. Almost every day after our summer jobs we’d meet up to hang out. Ericka coined it my “entourage,” which included you, Gabe, Marc, and Justin. We went randomly to the beach, or on random drives. You even stayed awake and texted me at 5 am to say “happy 4th of july sunrise.”

Remember when i said i would always be there, even when you spoke of the void you often felt? Even though you felt doubt sometimes, you still shared your thoughts of your future. You wanted to get an apartment instead of a car, and i suggested that you buy at least a bike to get to work. In car rides or during our pizza lunches, you talked about your senior design project, your two summer jobs, your pride in being Abby’s teacher in both dance and academics. You were saving up to get some suits for ‘the real world.’ You were changing and growing, but at the same time, you were still that guy I liked and admired from two years ago. As a friend, you were awesome. As Ike or Marth, you were ready to beat my housemates in Super Smash Brothers anytime.

Did the sun rise for you now, Eric? You’re leaving all of us with so many memories, memories that won’t be forgotten. You.. will not be forgotten.

Even yesterday (or rather, this morning)… while I spent time at your house making origami and laughing alongside your friends and family, I felt your presence.
You were there when we made paper roses.
I tried hard to make one as beautiful as the ones you would make for others.
Even when I was playing the piano pieces that you inspired me to learn... you were there.
You brought us together.

I hope you don't mind that I'm writing a little something about you to share with your family and friends. You were always private, often blocking your face from pictures. Only now, Eric, I ask that you uncover your face for us to see it smiling.

I’ll see your smile every time I play Canon in C – the My Sassy Girl version, the one you taught me. I’ll see your smile whenever I eat an Oreo cookie. I’ll see your smile whenever I attempt to speak Japanese.

You know, one of the very first text messages you sent me. actually was my first lesson in Japanese. You taught me how to say ‘good night.’

So now I want to say goodnight to you, Erikku-kun. Oyasuminasai.

We’ll miss you.



Still missing you.

it's nearly a year since you've been gone,
but time doesn't make me miss you less,
think of you less...

On a Typical Week...

EDIT EDIT EDIT EDIT.

and by that, i mean video.

this week alone...

Monday: Targum video.
Tuesday: Student Life Marketing video.
Wednesday: Advanced TV Reporting video.
Thursday: Documentary Filmmaking video.
Friday: Student Life Marketing video.
Saturday: fall over, lose eyesight, maybe go on a video shoot or two.
Sunday: rest, rinse, repeat.

Time is FLYING.

like it or not... the present shapes the future.
--

an image flashes before my eyes sometimes.

reoccurring
unwavering
animosity.

it's another memory that has never happened.

untrue, fiction, false, undeniable.

i was smoking a cigarette, staring at you with hardened eyes.
you were staring back.
dyed hair. familiar face.

i inhaled
pulled the cigarette from my lips
and breathed out.

you breathed in.

your eyes never left mine.

the raising tensions
the emotions behind things unsaid
the distance between us.

familiar.

we were older.
or so it seemed.

it felt
just like it did
a long time ago.

it felt like



misunderstanding.


truth.

do i want you because you're wonderful?



it's 430 AM, and Cinderella pops in my head.

i think i'm going into nostalgic / sappy mode.


so many thoughts in my head.

..
PS. Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami is probably the random-est, most poetic/descriptive/beautiful coming-of-age piece of prose that I've ever come across.

The 2nd book I've read by him.. and he's a brilliant author.
quotes/reflections to follow.

Step 1: Know what your heart desires.

Step 2: GO FOR IT.


--
Thank you, ABC, for this summer.

Things That Make Me Love Life Right Now:

1. The SUN. I’m that kind of person… the sun dictates my moods (most of the time). The sun is out, and I am happy. So right now, life is good. I’m content. For the first time this summer, I walked over to central park and ate lunch. Finally I get to cross that off my list. The breeze was perfect; the scenery, beautiful; the sea of people – 5 burly men walking 20 dogs, bikers, bike carriages, horses… it was a scene that makes you want to say “ahhhhhh.” Breathe in.
2. The CITY. Staying overnight in the city at the Millenium Plaza Hotel across the UN… seeing the views from the 37th floor of the city skyline… finding my way around the city on my own (even at 530AM this morning to get to work)… I’m beginning to love it more and more. There’s a vibrance that I never used to appreciate. When I was younger, I hated large places. Malls and airports scared me. The smell of NYC still does turn me off. But… I suppose because I’m older, I’m appreciating it more. Being 21 is a perk I have yet to utilize in the city though, since I’ve found no one to meet for happy hour here as of yet. But I don’t need that ‘stuff’ to make me feel like this, like breathing in the air and feeling the breeze IS just enough here.
3. The JOB. I have less than 2 weeks left here at ABC… and as much as I want to kick back and relax (the 6am shift has me sleep-deprived!), this is the kind of place I want to be. The environment: awesome. Fast-paced. Working, because I enjoy it. Great people. Supportive. I look around and see those who have been here, those who really ‘reek’ of LIKING what they do. I observe the exec’s… and their leadership shows. That’s how I want to be. I want to see all aspects of this industry. I want to know the in’s, the out’s, the good, the bad. One day, some day, I’ll be something great. Starting with today. Starting with this measly internship. Starting at 21.
4. The FRIENDS. I already praise them enough, even if they don’t realize it. Enough said in this department.
5. The BOY. Expect an even shorter, words-cannot-describe-how-I-feel response:
=].
6. The REALITY. It hits like a ton of … contentment. Goodbye, rain.
Hello, sunshine.
At least for today.

Even Now - Nina .

Even now when there's someone else who cares
When there's someone home who's waiting just for me
Even now I think about you as I'm climbing up the stairs
And I wonder what to do so she won't see
That even now when I know it wasn't right
And I found a better life than what we had
Even now I wakeup crying in the middle of the night
And I can't believe it still could hurt so bad

Chorus:

Even now when I have come so far
I wonder where you are
I wonder why it's still so hard without you
Even now when I come shining through
I swear I think of you
And how I wish you knew
Even now

Even now when I never hear your name
And the world has changed so much since you been gone
Even now I still remember and the feeling's still the same
And this pain inside of me goes on and on
Even now

Even now when I have come so far
I wonder where you are
I wonder why it's still so hard without you
Even now when I come shining through
I swear I think of you
And God I wish you knew
Some how
Even now


--

Miss you, Eric.
You're never forgotten.

Continuing California .

DAYS 3,4, and 5: SAN JOSE, SAN FRANCISCO, and MONTEREY BAY/CARMEL .

My memory's going to have to serve me the further and further away I get from the actual days of my Californian adventure. I'm 'behind' on my blogging, I suppose, but it's okay. The trip still had its noteworthy moments!

Let's see... after the MJ day of LA and resting, we left for the 5 hour drive (estimated time) from Los Angeles/Northridge area to San Jose (an hour away from San Fran).

After this past week of so, I've grown a great tolerance for really long car rides. I'll explain later. (I've never spent sooo many hours in a car before... driving to Canada doesn't come close).

Back to Cali. Being in a car, staring out into the desert/farmland that IS the majority of California... I realized how HUGE Cali is... and how NOT urban it is. Besides the major cities, it's all rolling hills, brown and deserted, horse-and-cow covered, full of cherries, strawberries, garlic and wine.

The car ride = downtime to think, to be introspective. My thoughts floated to friends and work back home...floated to Kentucky where my soldier was. Floated to Canada where my dad and brother are... both of whom I haven't seen since January. Floated to heaven, to another world, to a future life.

I passed by signs for a town called Hollister and laughed; stopped by a cherry stand in the middle of nowhere, reached the suburbia that is San Jose, and enjoyed the company of cousins who greeted me on my first night with some chocolate martinis and downtime.

The weekend was busy: San Francisco on Saturday, and Monterey Bay/Carmel the next.

I made many observations when around these areas, which were both about an hour away from San Jose.

SF:
- Beautiful. The BAY. A stretch of piers and events. Definitely need a car to get around to everything. The weather was chilly, and the place was CROWDED.

- Tourism included: Fisherman's Wharf; the Golden Gate; a tower to see the city from above; the world's crookedest road; and some gigantic palace thing (the name of which slips my mind, but I think I remember a planetarium being there or something).

- That palace was PHOTOSHOOT-filled. People were getting their wedding/engagement shots down left and right; actual wedding parties and sweet 16's were around, taking group shots. The best part was the shooting of a Bollywood film in front of the palace. Heard 'ACTION' and wondered if I was a tiny blurred dot in the background of the filming.

- The gay parade was going on during that weekend; I didn't get to see the festivities (must've been at another part of town).

- The roads there ARE of course insane; I'd LOVE to drive a manual there, just to see how I could handle it. I would not want to live there though... sorry, the idea of killing my brakes on the downhills and getting around in heels during driving rain/any weather for that matter... no thanks. Earthquakes? Definitely a turnoff. I felt very sad for this city - its fate will be decided by mother nature's wrath/natural occurrences.

- Had dinner in South SF - a part all on its own - at a cousin's house. A little more suburban for me, which I liked.

MONTEREY BAY:

- Very nice. This is THE place I want to take tourists if ever I go back there with friends/people who've never been around Cali. Seafood restaurants abound, an art festival going on, the water nearby... calming, charming, small-town feel. The sun was out for a hot 95, weather the locals at church said was unusually gorgeous and warm. Clam chowder vendors tried to lure people into their restaurants with their samples. I got a tattoo there - oh but don't worry, it's a henna of a dolphin made by a nice Indian lady who I found out grew up in Jersey. What a small world.

CARMEL:

- A small, rich community which was only a few miles from Monterey... a place where I experienced the odd phenomenon that is FOG. That's right, fog. What WAS 95 degrees and sunny in Monterey soon became 60 and foggy, cold and windy. And to think, these places were only a few miles away from each other... but the hilly community, once blanketed in fog, made the beautiful beach in Carmel a freeze fest. The many many people who were there - no doubt to soak up the sun - soon began to leave. A man flying a kite had some difficulty. That was highly amusing. My nieces buried my foot in the sand. The sand was cold. I was cold. My nephew and I discovered a creature which looked like a mutated squirrel.

- Nevertheless the community was nice, highlighted by its beach and small-town expensive shopping district. Drive a benz here and you'll fit in. A nice weekend escape town.

- Apparently this is the hood of Clint Eastwood. He was once the mayor here. [I watched Gran Torino when I got back to the LA area.]

- Went back to San Jose and ate at a Japanese restaurant with a real SUSHI TRAIN - that was awesome. Played some bball (though lazily) til the sun went down with my nieces, nephew, and cousin. Rested for the drive back to the LA area.

- We were going to take the coastal route instead, which would take longer, but would be more scenic than the inland route we took on the way up to San Jose. Plans were to stay in a sleepy coastal town called Morrow Bay, then finally make it down to the LA area.


Segway into the "to-be-continued" section.


To be continued.

Yours truly,
AB.

California, continued .

I had been meaning to blog nearly every day about my daily encounters in California, but I didn't have internet at my base in San Jose (where I stayed while in NorCal). On top of that, I was WAY too busy to actually have time to blog.

It's not going to be as detailed, but let me try my best to recall what I've done for the past week.

DAY 2: DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES.

It was a sunny Thursday, and I was ready to drive once again. This time, my destination was Los Angeles - the Hollywood stars and the fancy homes. I was under the weather, and so felt hindered; nevertheless, I made the relatively easy drive down to LA. The sun was out. Part of the street in front of the Chinese Theater and the Kodak Theater were closed - the premiere of 'Bruno' was being set up.

After some walking and picture taking, I joined the LACityTours bus tour of Hollywood homes.
My tour time was scheduled for 1130AM, but it left around 12PM. After driving past many famous people's homes, seeing the Hollywood sign from a vantage point, the tour made its way down to Bel Air and that area.

ENTER THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY TRIP - seeing fire trucks and personnel outside of Michael Jackson's home. We didn't see much, and I certainly didn't expect much of it - at the time, I only thought it was a fire alarm issue or something... but there was a man who appeared to be a security guard shooing away a new set of paparazzi that had just arrived. Other cars drove in and stopped and looked; beyond the gate was an ambulance. Two asian onlookers peered in. Pro photogs tried to snap pictures. A 'really tall transvestite' (quoting my tour guide) appeared on the street. A woman left from the house and walked across the street.

I managed to get 4, not-so-impressive pictures. The rest, as described above, came from memory.

Later, after the tour, I really felt like crap, and so went back to my LA base in San Marino. My friend texted me in uppercase letters: MICHAEL JACKSON JUST DIED... to which I replied: Really? I was just at his house!

And thus began the onslaught of media that I STILL see today. My thoughts first flew to work, and how they probably went nuts over this. I wanted to call and tell them what I had seen, to forward them my 4 mediocre photos of fire trucks and his street's sign. I tried to send some, but the photos/email got bounced back. I realized I was 1. lucky to have been there but 2. probably wouldn't be the only one with first-hand photos. I later saw amateur video of what I had seen - someone sent it in as an iReporter thing - and I realized I was just ONE person with a camera at that moment.

I still wanted to feel a little like a reporter - and figured that it might not have hurt to try sending some photos. In the end, I figured it was my journalistic instinct and joy over being at MJ's house during such a momentous / memorable moment that caused me to NOT want to mix my experience with WORK. Some said, "sell the photos!" but I just wanted to tip off my company, my network.

In the end, I was just happy that 'coverage found ME' as a friend put it... and it was an experience I will never forget.

If I really wanted to go nuts, I would've asked to get off the tour bus, walk up to the house with my d90, shoot photos like crazy, and call it into my work. But I didn't - I didn't think much of it at the time - and I'm perfectly okay with that.

Ahh. That's all I thought about afterwards.. my journalistic instincts clashing with my feeling ill and the thoughts of MJ as marathons of his music played throughout the radio stations.

I laid down for the rest of the evening, tylenol'd and fighting illness (praying to God it wasn't swine flu)... and concluding day 2 with a nice italian dinner - salmon and spinach ... one of my favorites.

--

As usual, more to follow.

Greetings from San Marino, California.

As several friends have instructed me, I'm supposed to regale them with stories, display works of art on websites... but most of all, they all seem to genuinely wish me happy and safe travels.

This is why they are my friends. How I love them so.
=]

It is 1114 PM here, but my laptop's clock says 2:14AM. Good old Eastern Standard Time.

For the next two weeks (well, in actuality, less than that now), I will be traveling. Consider this to be a mini-series of sorts - and so whenever I get the chance, I will update this.

Day one in the beautiful, sunny suburbs of Los Angeles county has been great. Flew in last night on a relatively peaceful flight - a great, modern airplane. My motion sickness was pacified by drugs, my excitement and apprehension appeased by the presence of "A Walk to Remember" and "Galileo" (episode 1) on my laptop. I slept for half the ride, and awoke to the thousands of lights shining through the night that brought Los Angeles to life.

Today, I went to In-and-Out. Had to. I'd say it was pretty good; and REALLY good for budget-minded folks. (cheap burgers! decent size! see the Zagat guide / review of FAST FOOD. Link to follow.)

I played driver to three old farts - my mother and her two sisters. Don't worry, I feel no qualms in saying 'old farts,' as they 1. are well-aware of this and 2. they constantly joke about it, perhaps a little too much. So me, driving around the suburbs of California... it felt awesome.

Went to an awesome but huge place called Huntington Library. It was not just a library! It contained several art galleries and botanical gardens. I fell in love with the place, especially the botanical gardens of all sorts. It was photo shoot heaven, and pro/amateur photogs were crawling the place (on a random Wednesday, no doubt).
I definitely put a checkmark in my head, saying: "I will return here. I will take lots of portrait photos." ... and certainly thoughts like this crossed me head: "This would be a great place to have my engagement/wedding photos done. This is a great place. This is a great place. So many places. So many photo ideas."

Photos will definitely be posted on ABstudios when I get the chance. It's ABOUT TIME I updated that. Truth be told, I hadn't whipped out my camera since final exams and the semester ended... so for nearly two months, my camera was stowed away. I had been meaning to bring it to the city to take photos after work (Central park, surrounding area, etc)... but hadn't gotten the chance.

Well, my camera's back in action. Only it's thousands of miles away.


This trip seems more of a reflective one; I, the only 21-year-old around... I, defining my role as a 21-year-old on the cusp of 'real life'... I, no longer the child who hangs with the children, yet can't fit in with the whackiness/ideals of the older generation.

Ah, yes. Hollywood and downtown LA tomorrow.

PHOTOS and THOUGHTS to follow.

Goodnight for now.

ひさしぶりですね。
(it has been a long time.)

hello there, oh blog of mine. i have not neglected you; i have simply been 1. too busy! and 2. afraid to blog... because i now work for a major company. when you google my name, a lot of my social networking sites come up (twitter and blogspot, for example). though this is the general direction of this next generation / is a sign of the times, i'm still not used to censoring myself when it comes to writing.. so i have to be careful.

summer 2009 has been different.
i'm working full time.. doing the daily grind at ABC in NYC. i love my work there.. and wish i could divulge my skill-sets... the learning experiences i've had for the past month, etc. in general, i've been taught that you truly need to love what you do in order to succeed. and secondly, you need to meet the task with professionalism, seriousness, but also maintain a certain comraderie with co-workers. as if my previous working experiences have not taught me this already... but i need to really prove myself at this internship. i have many talents.. but no one will know that unless i show them. all in good time. i'm hoping and praying that i will continue to impress and push push push.

even if i really want a free summer.. a summer of travel and being with friends.. it isn't what i need to do right now. i know i need to work and have fun. i need to balance.

the only thing that i lack is sleep and down time. i need to schedule that into my life too.. it is important. they say that less sleep can equate to depression/apathy/feeling like sh*t. i believe that. it's true. i need to get shut-eye to keep level-headed.

what has occupied my free time as of late...?
watching sappy/romantic/funny japanese dramas. of course, hanging out with friends as well (perhaps a little too much). they make me giddy as a young girl (the dramas), hopeful and wishful for romantic encounters like those i see in tv (a thin slice of hope that such shows/movies can come true. haha). the hangouts with friends keep me sane and also enhance my appreciation for friendship and loved ones... more than i tell each and every one of them. they are very important to my well-being, and i hope that i can give them something in return.


i suppose this is a 'to-be-continued' blog!

--
so many things to give this world.
the chances we take...
i'm working on defining myself.
making an impact.
somehow.

one year ago, i wrote this [and today i'm putting side notes]:

Saturday, April 12, 2008

maybe one day... (summer perhaps?) :
-exploration of the newly opened newseum / go around d.c. [YES! recently did this.]
-another acapella concert [yeppp!]
-more intellectual debate / continuation of forum topics / discussion on racism, the media, empowerment, education, awareness, propaganda, etc etc... [i pipe up here and there during conversations, when i feel the time is right to try to voice my opinion/have a convincing argument.]
-hours dedicated to piano/guitar [umm..sadly.. no.. very sadly.. no.]

much more 'immediate' things... but...

longer-term goals:
internship/possible fellowship (if i do get this fellowship, that would make for an interesting year.) [umm.. i'm getting calls back now. we'll see where it/they -the internship possibilities- take me.]
(applying like crazy now; hoping like crazy now.)
getting scholarships
(applying like crazy now; hoping like crazy now.) [i applied for some this year too.]

longer, longer term goals:
study abroad for a semester at temple u (tokyo, japan that is.) - senior year fall 09 ??? [i applied... the program got canceled... oh bitter me. it was my dream since then too, and i actually thought it was going to happen! i could've joined another program like visual anthropology, but it seemed like my parents were ehh about the switch-over/pressure from the rush that temple was making me do...]
finish on time . [i sure hope so. at least my requirements are done after this semester.]
get a job . [umm.. i got one last summer that paid very well.. well enough that the money lasted me all of last semester.]
get money to pay off loans . [still want this!]
get a sexy(-ier) car xD . [possibility: BMW 1 series. xD]

--
yeah, the goals have pretty much remained the same.


--
random: I noticed that a number of things I like watching start with the letter H (but of course, my favorites are certainly not limited to this letter..)... Heroes, High School Musical, House MD, Hana Yori Dango... mmm.

--
every day is a constant battle for me.
every day i think about you and miss you, erikku-kun.
i just have to think that i'll get through it.
i have to.

--
i just looked through a lot of my xanga.. circa 2003-2009.
oh how i've evolved in so many ways.. but still have remained the same.

--
ugh, side note! watching hana yori dango makes me have a glimmer of hope in romance/romantic notions.

4am and i can't seem to sleep. i'm in a creative mood but not sure of just where to begin. i've been reading other people's blogs over the past few hours... whewww. good stuff out there!

where DO i begin? i'll sleep for now and add more later.

[that add more LATER part.. failed. adding starts now.]

we've all got our baggage.
i can see it in your eyes...
you're much more.
i wanna be your confidant
your ear, your arm, your best.
we can't hide away.
i don't want to much longer.

faint images flash across my memory.
dogtags. rings with words etched inside.
so close yet so far.
we each had something so strong that we held onto.
i know i couldn't possibly think about
giving half my heart to you
half my feelings to you
just because i still held onto something else.
maybe you feel the same way too.

i somehow don't fear losing you; i never had you in the first place.
maybe we both think: it's easier if we don't try for beyond the superficial.
maybe it's true.

but no. spring fever is in the air.
i'm not sure how things will be now.
but i do finally want a real change.

i want something to go somewhere.


--

happy april fool's day.

or rather, happy april alternate ego/life ... dream.

i was thinking of creating a list of ideas for april fool's jokes... which would serve more like a list of things that i'd think were reaches... things i'd actually love if they'd come true. or maybe they would be subconscious wants. something like that.

hmm. i'll just go with whatever comes into my head right now and not editing/taking back ideas for these jokes/subconscious wants. wtf? lol. keep in mind.. all of these things are [quite possibly] untrue... but majority are things that would be awesome if they were to be come true.

-i'm moving to california this summer. i applied to transfer to USC and got in.
-i'm moving to japan. end of story.
-i've joined the army reserve (and got stuff to prove it).
-i'm in a relationship with ______(insert name here).
-i'm moving to canada. i got a job at some canadian broadcasting network.
-i fractured my ankle because of running, tripping, and landing on a rock.
-someone took me out on a date to the city, we got close, and it was awesome.
-i had an epiphany that my choice job would be ____ within [this] career field... (working for the government.. or most especially, in honor of my dad, working for the United Nations.)
-i got a journalism scholarship (yes! all those applications paid off!).
-i got the ABC internship, but then had about 20,000 other internships reply back to me so suddenly, wanting me to come in for an interview. FML.
-i laid down in the grass and looked up at the stars with a loved one next to me and we saw a shooting star.
-i finally got over you.
-i stopped being a confused hopeless idiot and finally got my independent self back.
-i became fearless. in regards to EVERYTHING. whatta miracle.


okay, i've got to sleep. those were some lame ideas. i'm a better writer/idea-thinker-upper-person. sleep for now! [PS: THERE ARE BIRDS CHIRPING. FML]

tonight is just like any other night that is like it.

cold, clear skies, stars.

i get out of play practice and i think about calling you up since i'm a short walk away, but i don't. i go back to my apartment and get my stuff together. my roomie and her bf are comfortable and about to sleep and we talk about salmon (lol). and then i think about you, i think about calling you up, but i don't.

instead, i call the usual one. and i drive out of the way and go to him because this is all i've known, this is what i have gotten used to, this is what my gut says i should let go of... but never can. i hate being alone.

i drive my car and a couple hits go on the radio. i think about calling you, simply because i like that new soulja boy song that played("kiss me through the phone".. or something like that). i continue the drive as the radio signal begins to fade, as i go into a town where they don't get my radio station, where the stars are so clear in the sky because of no light pollution.

i finally reach my destination, turning off my car alarm so that it won't make a sound in this sleepy town. i sit in my car and grab my phone. some new kelly clarkson song hits the soundwaves. i sit there in the darkness, engine off, and grab my cell phone. i scroll down through the call logs and click on your name. i hover over it.

catchy beat of kelly's new song gets me entranced (wtf, i know..).

But boys will be boys, oh, yes, they will
They don't wanna define it
Just give up the game and get into me

i click on the phone's screen when the display light goes dark several times.

Oh, no, I do not hook up, up, I come slow
So if you want me, I don't come cheap
Keep your hand in my hand, your heart on your sleeve

i keep staring at your name. it sounds like a click, like it could work . but i know i keep holding back. and i give myself all the mental reasons as to why.

Oh, no, I do not hook up, up, I fall deep
'Cause the more that you try the harder I'll fight
To say goodnight

maybe guilt, maybe it's my urge not to complicate things. my secret wish to un-complicate things, and just try hard for something that may never work because with you, i never know if things will go anywhere.

Lay your head down and feel the beat
As I kiss your forehead
This may not last but this is now

whenever i'm with you, i know i should just think, "this is now."

So love the one you're with
You wanna chase but you're chasin' your tail
A quick fix won't ever get you well


you and i have so many potentials, so much to offer. deep in thought, i can see myself with you. yet i know that we're not limited to each other. i've got competition, and so do you.

but then my driver door opens, startling me hardcore. i jump out of thought, turn to my left, and say "oh God" to the darkness.

i turn to see him. i follow him inside.





yet i find myself still thinking about you.

i like getting back good [midterm] grades! =]

some excerpts from my blue book (nerd!):

On Objectivity in the Industry:
The landscape of the media is changing in favor of less objective journalism. "Infotainment," the mixing of information and entertainment, is much more common. Biased, not-so-objective news organizations, create programming that appeals to their specific audience by publishing a certain angle or viewpoint. For example, Fox news has heavy Republican roots, and therefore attracts Republican viewers. In an age of selective programming (not objective programming), people that consider themselves to be "news anchors/reporters" like Greta van Susteren, get away with reporting their sides of the "truth." People like Greta and Bill O'Reilly gain and retain their audiences by publishing the "truth" that appeals to them, so that they gain their trust.That is how selective TV programs thrive - they appease niche audiences instead of publishing non-biased, objective programming.
This is all more commonly found on cable programming and the internet. With thee rise of niche audiences comes the fall of viewership of more objective, "boring" journalism. Besides, objective journalism is losing itself due to compartmentalization and company downsizing. 24-hour news services that claim to be objective only now publish short news briefs. These news briefs often lack in-depth reporting, follow-ups with several sources and the basics of objectivity.
In the end, it is up to the audience to believe in what they read or see. Regardless, the media industry is becoming less and less objective every day.

--
On using Anonymous Sources:
In general, the use of anonymous sources has declined over the years (with the exception of the Watergate times). Why? Audiences have lost trust in journalists because of several cases of mistakes made when using anonymous sources. In most of these failed cases, the anonymous sources were not only anonymous - they failed to exist!
Take, for example, the case of Jack Kelley, writer for USA Today. He made up stories and fabricated people (sources), making for example a Pakistani school for raising suicide bomber kids come to life in his stories. Journalism mixed with fiction for Kelley, but he kept getting praised by USA Today, which nominated Kelley for 5 Pulitzer Prizes. The discovery of his exploits led to countless printed corrections. Kelley was dismissed and the public opinion of USA Today (and journalists in general) greatly declined.
After Kelley, Jayson Blair, Dan Rather, and Janet Cooke (who won a Pulitzer for her story on an 8-year-old heroin addict which proved to be false - her Pulitzer was taken away!), journalists lost trust in having anonymous sources, and their audience lost trust in journalism!
It's no wonder then why the use of anonymous sources declined. Journalists continually wish to gain the trust of their source of money - their audience. How can they gain the audience's trust when the use of anonymous sources marred the industry?


---
school just started back up again after a short spring break.

sitting here in the student center, i've seen so many people i know walk down the stairs, but not one person has stopped to say hi. makes me feel real good - or maybe they're all just in a rush [to grab lunch].

reading "Black Like Me" for a quiz tomorrow. interesting book. definitely covers the emotional/internal issues that are byproducts of racism.

i need to get out, chill, relax, go for a drive.. even though I had spring break, it just wasn't enough.

i want to bask in sunlight and drive with the windows down... off to some place like the beach or Washington State Park.. and go to some party and have fun.

---
you could be my bestest friend. i should just be me.

should i play along and cling to that 0.00000001% of hope that i get from you, or just admit to myself that all you want is nothing personal...?

i should just let go of inhibitions and thoughts and be just like you. ooh, dangerous.

lessen the complication, boil it down to what i'm truly feeling. chill.

just say f**k it and not care if you and i have many potentials and don't owe anything to each other.

i never thought the day would come that i would be that kind of girl.

so sorry if i'm not 100% there with you. i refuse to really change because of a dude. if you truly feel something, work on it and i'll return the favor. if not, leave me be.

bottom line: things could work out.. but maybe not now.

--
what makes me happy?

outdoors on a good day. that car ride i mentioned above (windows down, sun out, warm breeze, music blasting).

with people? feeling accepted or loved (in general).

material? i prefer hand-made gifts or surprises. surprises (not necessarily monetary) make me =].

career/school? doing well. generally. and loving what i do (making sure my heart is in it).

phone/text? communication, baby. that's what works for any type of relationship. i may be at a loss for words sometimes, but other times i'm straight-up too talkative. which do people prefer? which do i prefer? a little bit of both. listening is JUST as important as speaking. hell yes.

hobbies? i found out that i get happy/confident when i get a press pass. (LOL). in all seriousness, i like the feeling of being a part of media. it may very well be my calling. not sure yet though. everything changes.

goals? setting goals and ACTUALLY achieving them or seeing the end result... makes me soo happy.

freedom of expression? i'm generally happiest when i wear it on my face (expression = window to my soulllll. lmao.).


--
okay, i got to get packing up for class #2 out of 3. ugh.
play practice after class tonight at 9. full day. i don't know if i'll be ready for the black like me quiz... should have been reading right now! spark notes to be printed later. yay.

i fear a lot of things.

i certainly don't understand a lot of things.

somehow, i'm waiting for the biggest surprise of my life.
for something so good, it would literally make my dreams...
come true.

i could wait for that day to come.

who is that hero in my life?
am i dependent on one guy, or is there something out there for me?

i'm not sure anymore.
i wait in silent reverie.

i wait... for something good.
but i was never good at accepting change, even though change is what i seem to want.

i am my own contradiction.

i don't know how patient i can be.

is it true that good things come to those who wait?
is it true that actions speak louder than words?

i like words.
when i get around to speaking, to writing, to conversing...
i have my on and off days... whether i want to be social or not.

i'm still waiting around for something.
i was never one to really let go.

--
bite my tongue. mark my words.
i am silent
and outspoken.

i am the quiet type, introspective.
i am the social type, an extrovert.

who is the real me? am i a composite of both?
--
who am i allowed to dream about?
how long will i be satisfied with mediocre?
when and how will we grow?
when will dreams come true?
if my dreams come true.

i've lived a life for two people, but i'm just one girl.
one person. trying so hard to understand her life.
and i'll just keep waiting for that something to arrive.

to be the support i need.
and i'll be his support in return.

maybe it's you.
[who?]


--

edit:
this is scary how accurate it is in relation to my life. rawwrr.

Name: Angelica
Date: 3/17/2009
Colorgenics Number: 31074265

You are striving for a life full of activity and experience and, perhaps even more, an environment where you would be able to forge a close bond with a person who can offer full emotional fulfillment.

The way things are you are under considerable stress and you feel that there is little hope of matters righting themselves. Everyone about you seems to aggravate the problem even more. You feel that at this time you need to be alone and you are right - move back and give yourself a chance to breathe.

At times one is burdened with more than one's fair share of problems and this would appear to be your situation at present. But you are adamant - you know what you wish to achieve - and by giving a little and taking a little you may well find that the realization of your dreams could become a reality.

For whatever the reason, you find it extremely difficult to sustain relationships - that is to sustain them in the manner that you would wish. You are a very gentle sort of person, full of feeling, sensitivity and susceptible to love and affection, looking and longing for a partner with whom you can enjoy 'All things bright and beautiful' - someone with whom you can seek out the more esoteric things of life. But up to now this person has only existed in your imagination. You are very choosy, appreciative, refined and extremely artistic in temperament and it is your hope to seek others who will allow you to form and express your own taste and judgement and who at the same time may assist you in your intellectual or artistic growth.

You really would like to be completely uninhibited - to let your hair down - but you are held back by your sense of logic and rationalilty, since you realise that by simple stupidity you could lose everything - whatever that may be.

catch me if you can.

... although recently, it hasn't been too hard to catch me (i guess).

battle of the barrios went well, though no real thanks to me. i've been out of commission for the past week or so. guess ECAASU and Main Event took their toll on me (fatigue! needed sleep!). the flu has subsided and i'm left with a barking cough... but it's whatever.

whatever is this weather we have been having ... ! cold and snow-filled one day, hot and sunny the next. rain to top it all off.

lack of funds to do things i need to do (perhaps this spring break)... like clean my car (finally!) and get an oil change for it...

i need money! grawwrr. so, i tried applying for benihana as a bartender and got interviewed twice. my only problem is my availability - my class schedule doesn't permit me to work lunch hours! it's not my fault.. i can't change my class schedule for this semester, naturally. so yeah, i guess it just isn't meant to be.

on the up side, i got the call back for a job with the Rutgers Student Life Marketing Team - a job for next year (starting end of this semester for fall 09). i guess they liked my "jack-of-all-trades" shhpeeeal during the interview... so they want me on board to help with copywriting, editing, video producing, project ideas, etc. yay!

--

"my dear." "love." "bey." "homie."
i have no problem being called these things in general by different people. it's... whatever. but still. could be nice if it meant something. guys like that are just joking around. they are a big tease. hahah. just. kidding. slightly.

i like a guy who is actually interested in some of the things i say and do. it's only right if the interest is mutual (and i mean... the interest in the respective other's happenings and doings). i know i sure exercise interest in the guy and his happenings... if he's cool like that .

--

as for japan VS abc, the saga continues. for now, i'll just say... "we'll see what happens." i have an interview in the city on tuesday. sent in the non-refundable check to TUJ last week. i'll keep my options open.

as in most things... we'll see what happens.

--

sometimes it's so hard to keep truckin' along... when i see others so happy/content, or those that are struggling as i am... often i just want to stay cooped up and away from social reality (which is very anti-career, very anti-life...very anti-people.)
i think my mood changes with the weather.
i need to get more sunlight. waah .

motivate me to continue.

so.. what do you do when two departments of ABC call? you set up an interview or two during spring break to see what they'll be offering you.

so.. what do you do when you get accepted to TUJ and the deposit check is due in 2 days? you send in the non-refundable deposit to secure your place.

--

so what do you do when you have two exams, a quiz, several homework assignments and a snow day?
you.. study. well, half the time. the other half of the time you spend viewing Main Event videos and editing photos from ECAASU and Main Event. you do what you love because you love the feeling of being one of the press.

yes. welcome to my world - busy? indeed. humble? i try to be. broadcasting my failures along with my talents... possible? there are many who say "create a website. post up your resume, your works, your everything. glorify yourself for potential clients and potential job offers."

i'm nothing in comparison to my colleagues. it takes an amateur to know that much is true. but how do i "glorify" myself to the world wide web without appearing conceited? humility, yes. light-heartedness and fun mixed with a sense of duty.

doing what i love. that's what i'm searching for. my entire college career i've spent trying to search out the kinds of things that i love or will love. i've been going for that "jack-of-all-trades" thing... but eventually i've got to stick to what i'm good at, what i'm passionate about.

my action-packed weekend consisted of ECAASU and Main Event - both great events, both full of lessons for me. ECAASU really spoke to me - and through the workshops and speakers, i took several messages to heart...

...especially when comedian Danny Cho spoke during his workshop. what he said was true: Asian Americans in the media industry rarely get the big break, the luck, the foot in the door. daunting as it may seem to me, i've got to PUSH. he said words of encouragement - that Asian Americans in the industry need to encourage/support one another. none of this hating business. hating on other Asian American groups leads to nowhere.

another thing that hit home was his discussion about the 9-5 "glorified monkeys" position. Asian Americans tend to work the 9 to 5 job experience. they excel. they work their butts off. but still, they are the grunt-workers, the bottom chain. you've got to push for more. if you want to be a leader, if you want to make a name for yourself in any industry, if you want to show that you are capable (as an individual and as a minority)... then PUSH.

Danny jokes around. Humor is an outlet to get people listening. ... but when he gets down to it, he talks about the serious nitty-gritty in making it in the "real world," learning how to play the game of the "real world" and really excel by challenging yourself. expect the challenge. but be humble about it. support others who are trying out there too. entertainers who try to bad-mouth others and try to make it on their own... can't make it.

i know that this life requires networking, a constant drive for something more, and a PUSH. i know that now...

but will i make it? i have to try.

--

ps. the snow makes quite a picture .
i want to make snow angels when i feel better =]
(fever before midterms = eww.)

baby, there's nothing but blue skies and the sun shining through.

i get so happy at the thought of you.

--

initial thoughts of the day / night:
i'm intimidated. intimidated by people with big resumes and lots of work experience; people in honors societies and fraternities; people with success written all over them after college. i'm intimidated... initially. and then i think... i just need to get better. and i am still a force to be reckoned with (okay.. a little too harsh there). i've got a decent resume myself, but i've got to show more commitment/drive. excel in some one area. i've shown interest in several different areas (jack-of-all-trades, much?)... but soon i've got to narrow things down. narrow my focus. focus. focus...

--

focus on THIS.

here i am, soon to be a rising senior. things are starting to appear at my feet (or rather, i fought for them). decisions have to be made - and soon.

DECISIVE POINT numero uno .
where to live~
so i had two choices. one, live with 2 guys - good friends, established relationships already. i know their cleaning habits. i know them. second, live with 3 girls - i don't know em, but i got the offer through a time-sensitive decision - i decided to live with them only a few hours after finding out. since then, it has been timed deadlines and not enough time to think - but now it seems i'm officially living on campus in the easton ave apts.
so many pros and cons i had listed out. money wise. people wise. experience wise. what-people-may-think wise. still quite wavering on this subject, but i'm trying to look at the good things right now.
i'm like the opposite of most college kids - i'm finally living on-campus... during the last part of my college career, not during my first year.

DECISIVE POINT numero dos .
what the ---- to do with my SUMMER 09~
section ichi: so i had been COMPLETELY dead set on this one goal of mine - to study abroad at the Temple University Japan Summer 09 Contemporary Media Culture program for 6 weeks. this program is only offered to undergrad students, and is only held EVERY OTHER YEAR. straight after exams, i'd head there, even to celebrate my 21st bday there. i'd be done by independence day. i would get credits that would be transferred to RU. i would receive an education in TOKYO, the place i've always dreamed about going to and experiencing. every summer i've wanted to go to Japan... and every summer it didn't work out. so this program looked AWESOME. i got letters of recommendation; papers for transferring credits approved; crazy amounts of info for the application. handed it in... and am still waiting on if i get in (they'd take my money.. shouldn't be too hard to get in..).

section ni: last fall, i went to disney-ABC in NYC for a fellowship information session. felt good to go there. i loved the vibe i felt from the company, and i've been told that it's one of the best companies to work for in the industry. so i decided to spam my resume and apply for all sorts of internships in the company. i did this around... october.
and fast-forward to two weeks ago. i get a call from there. HR lady pre-screens me for a summer internship with them in NYC. then fast-forward to today (or rather, yesterday). i get a call from the senior operations manager. me being so excited, i was only able to squeeze out "yes. definitely. yes. mmmmhmmm. yes." for most of the phone call. in the end, i said i was interested. either she or i will call by the beginning of next week to confirm. internship. experience. only 2 days a week, but it's ABC. A. B. C.

now comes the FML part.

Japan versus internship. I could have applied for so many other internships over the summer, but I didn't. Why? I was pretty set on going to Japan. But when ABC comes knocking at your door... things change. I won't get another opportunity to study abroad in Japan if I take this (I'll be graduated and done w/ college in no time). I may not get another chance with ABC if I go to Japan.




WTF DO I DO!? sleep for now of course. ash wednesday tomorrow. that means ashes on my forehead at 730AM, work out, work on more war concepts/review, make photocopies of documents for mailing, go to class, go to costco, go back home for dinner with mom (and to feed/clean my fish's bowl), and finally go back to RU for the RAPS meeting. FML.


FML... because half my days i love my life and am very appreciative - i want to live my life to the fullest.

and of course FML... because half my days are spent wondering why i feel so empty sometimes. i'm in search of meaning. constantly.

more to come.
goodnight, loves.

i just realized...

some people won't take me seriously.

some don't consider my major as hard work.

don't get me wrong. i've always been a hard worker.

i've always gotten the grade.

i can take calculus, i can take orgo chem.

i can do anything i want, because i'm capable.

so don't consider me, or my major, to be dumb.

don't underestimate.

just because i seem like i sit around

and do nothing sometimes,

doesn't indicate i have a lack of focus.

i have to do lists and check off lists

and still have time to have fun.
---

not going to wait around forever.
ya either want something, or not.

2 interviews in the past 2 days.
i'm getting used to the confidence i'm supposed to exude during these things.

today, le friday, has a schedule. like any other day.
just finished interview. now:
food. woodbridge mall. procrastination (media and gov analysis and quiz questions, war study guide, journalism scholarship apps, fill out my next year's housing contract, etc. save it for saturday & sunday). barrio fiesta practice. and party.

riddle me this:

do actions truly speak louder than words?

--

Like the clouds you drift me away


--

edit - 24 hours later:

it's amazing how little things are now making me think.

today.. outside was beautiful. the snow was falling around evverrrywhere.
i was getting pretty poetic today, but never wrote anything down.
i was trudging in the snow to 3 consecutive classes.
hung out with peeeeeps - cooked pasta with one, ate nuggets with another, and SKYPE'D for HOURS with many more. LOL.
played geetar for a bit too. sleeping time soon.

yesterday we watched a movie called "broadcast news" in journalism and american film class. such. a good. funny. movie. haha. and i don't know why, but it just spoke to me. i felt like i could apply it to my life. bwhahahahar.

and after speaking to a friend monday... yeah. leave it at that.

couldn't help it. thought about sledding down some hills, taking some crazy ass pictures of scenery and whatnot... pretty cute.

le sigh.

--

history was made today.


watching it was surreal.



first day of classes.



am i starting it off right?



let's MAKE history.



what's holding me back?

everyone has their fears, right?
i have so many fears, some of which are weighing on my mind as of late.

namely...
does anyone like me? and i don't mean that.. 'ooh girl like boy' type like. i mean.. like..ME. for who i am. or .. are the certain ways i act, or the certain things i say, huge criteria? am i constantly criticized? does.. no one like me anymore?


sudden dip in self-confidence is spelled out by the way people's vibes are around me. i'm kind of scared i'm failing in this whole.. 'maintaining friends thing'.

am i now a social outcast?

selfish.. everything in this blog is "i..i..i..me...me..."


><

i get freaked out that people see me differently.
have i changed?

--
EDIT - 124AM


The answer to that is Yes. Yes I have. We all have.
We all have insecurities.
We all judge.
We all hope/wish/dream.
I certainly hope that we are all proud of ourselves in one way or another.

We all are our own person. I have confidence in myself, enough so that I can reassure myself that I know I can make it. I can succeed.

What I meant by "detach" in a recent post was that.. soon will come the time that I will make another life decision. In high school I did this, and because of it, I grew up. I became more confident. I embraced new friends. I learned a lot from experiences with them.

It's another time like that. I may have to change it up a bit. I may need to branch away. I can see myself going for internships in NYC. I've applied to some; turned down some interviews. Why? Last semester I didn't feel it was right. I needed that semester of living dirt poor. No job; only school and extra curriculars that didn't pay. A time to focus on myself. The people I surrounded myself with. The experiences of college life on campus. [and be proud of my GPA.]

It's a new semester. I'm getting ready for a revamp. A revive.

But don't get me wrong. I'm scared in so many ways. I lack confidence in so many ways. So many times I fight the urge to take the easy way out. To disappear. To even.. run away to .. Canada or something.

But then I'd let so many people down. He made it a reality check.

I promise to never forget. Every day I keep thinking about you. Being genius really broods complicated individuals like us. Smart and capable and full of a potential for a bright future; dark and complicated and secretive and wary.

Every day, you are my reality check. So that one day, I'll look back on it all, and realize it wasn't in vain.

My life will not be in vain.


Sometimes I just wish others would feel this kind of confidence in themselves.


Good luck, friends . Sometimes we just don't understand each other. And that's just fine. I'll forever try to understand . I guess it's not my place.