tonight is just like any other night that is like it.

cold, clear skies, stars.

i get out of play practice and i think about calling you up since i'm a short walk away, but i don't. i go back to my apartment and get my stuff together. my roomie and her bf are comfortable and about to sleep and we talk about salmon (lol). and then i think about you, i think about calling you up, but i don't.

instead, i call the usual one. and i drive out of the way and go to him because this is all i've known, this is what i have gotten used to, this is what my gut says i should let go of... but never can. i hate being alone.

i drive my car and a couple hits go on the radio. i think about calling you, simply because i like that new soulja boy song that played("kiss me through the phone".. or something like that). i continue the drive as the radio signal begins to fade, as i go into a town where they don't get my radio station, where the stars are so clear in the sky because of no light pollution.

i finally reach my destination, turning off my car alarm so that it won't make a sound in this sleepy town. i sit in my car and grab my phone. some new kelly clarkson song hits the soundwaves. i sit there in the darkness, engine off, and grab my cell phone. i scroll down through the call logs and click on your name. i hover over it.

catchy beat of kelly's new song gets me entranced (wtf, i know..).

But boys will be boys, oh, yes, they will
They don't wanna define it
Just give up the game and get into me

i click on the phone's screen when the display light goes dark several times.

Oh, no, I do not hook up, up, I come slow
So if you want me, I don't come cheap
Keep your hand in my hand, your heart on your sleeve

i keep staring at your name. it sounds like a click, like it could work . but i know i keep holding back. and i give myself all the mental reasons as to why.

Oh, no, I do not hook up, up, I fall deep
'Cause the more that you try the harder I'll fight
To say goodnight

maybe guilt, maybe it's my urge not to complicate things. my secret wish to un-complicate things, and just try hard for something that may never work because with you, i never know if things will go anywhere.

Lay your head down and feel the beat
As I kiss your forehead
This may not last but this is now

whenever i'm with you, i know i should just think, "this is now."

So love the one you're with
You wanna chase but you're chasin' your tail
A quick fix won't ever get you well


you and i have so many potentials, so much to offer. deep in thought, i can see myself with you. yet i know that we're not limited to each other. i've got competition, and so do you.

but then my driver door opens, startling me hardcore. i jump out of thought, turn to my left, and say "oh God" to the darkness.

i turn to see him. i follow him inside.





yet i find myself still thinking about you.

i like getting back good [midterm] grades! =]

some excerpts from my blue book (nerd!):

On Objectivity in the Industry:
The landscape of the media is changing in favor of less objective journalism. "Infotainment," the mixing of information and entertainment, is much more common. Biased, not-so-objective news organizations, create programming that appeals to their specific audience by publishing a certain angle or viewpoint. For example, Fox news has heavy Republican roots, and therefore attracts Republican viewers. In an age of selective programming (not objective programming), people that consider themselves to be "news anchors/reporters" like Greta van Susteren, get away with reporting their sides of the "truth." People like Greta and Bill O'Reilly gain and retain their audiences by publishing the "truth" that appeals to them, so that they gain their trust.That is how selective TV programs thrive - they appease niche audiences instead of publishing non-biased, objective programming.
This is all more commonly found on cable programming and the internet. With thee rise of niche audiences comes the fall of viewership of more objective, "boring" journalism. Besides, objective journalism is losing itself due to compartmentalization and company downsizing. 24-hour news services that claim to be objective only now publish short news briefs. These news briefs often lack in-depth reporting, follow-ups with several sources and the basics of objectivity.
In the end, it is up to the audience to believe in what they read or see. Regardless, the media industry is becoming less and less objective every day.

--
On using Anonymous Sources:
In general, the use of anonymous sources has declined over the years (with the exception of the Watergate times). Why? Audiences have lost trust in journalists because of several cases of mistakes made when using anonymous sources. In most of these failed cases, the anonymous sources were not only anonymous - they failed to exist!
Take, for example, the case of Jack Kelley, writer for USA Today. He made up stories and fabricated people (sources), making for example a Pakistani school for raising suicide bomber kids come to life in his stories. Journalism mixed with fiction for Kelley, but he kept getting praised by USA Today, which nominated Kelley for 5 Pulitzer Prizes. The discovery of his exploits led to countless printed corrections. Kelley was dismissed and the public opinion of USA Today (and journalists in general) greatly declined.
After Kelley, Jayson Blair, Dan Rather, and Janet Cooke (who won a Pulitzer for her story on an 8-year-old heroin addict which proved to be false - her Pulitzer was taken away!), journalists lost trust in having anonymous sources, and their audience lost trust in journalism!
It's no wonder then why the use of anonymous sources declined. Journalists continually wish to gain the trust of their source of money - their audience. How can they gain the audience's trust when the use of anonymous sources marred the industry?


---
school just started back up again after a short spring break.

sitting here in the student center, i've seen so many people i know walk down the stairs, but not one person has stopped to say hi. makes me feel real good - or maybe they're all just in a rush [to grab lunch].

reading "Black Like Me" for a quiz tomorrow. interesting book. definitely covers the emotional/internal issues that are byproducts of racism.

i need to get out, chill, relax, go for a drive.. even though I had spring break, it just wasn't enough.

i want to bask in sunlight and drive with the windows down... off to some place like the beach or Washington State Park.. and go to some party and have fun.

---
you could be my bestest friend. i should just be me.

should i play along and cling to that 0.00000001% of hope that i get from you, or just admit to myself that all you want is nothing personal...?

i should just let go of inhibitions and thoughts and be just like you. ooh, dangerous.

lessen the complication, boil it down to what i'm truly feeling. chill.

just say f**k it and not care if you and i have many potentials and don't owe anything to each other.

i never thought the day would come that i would be that kind of girl.

so sorry if i'm not 100% there with you. i refuse to really change because of a dude. if you truly feel something, work on it and i'll return the favor. if not, leave me be.

bottom line: things could work out.. but maybe not now.

--
what makes me happy?

outdoors on a good day. that car ride i mentioned above (windows down, sun out, warm breeze, music blasting).

with people? feeling accepted or loved (in general).

material? i prefer hand-made gifts or surprises. surprises (not necessarily monetary) make me =].

career/school? doing well. generally. and loving what i do (making sure my heart is in it).

phone/text? communication, baby. that's what works for any type of relationship. i may be at a loss for words sometimes, but other times i'm straight-up too talkative. which do people prefer? which do i prefer? a little bit of both. listening is JUST as important as speaking. hell yes.

hobbies? i found out that i get happy/confident when i get a press pass. (LOL). in all seriousness, i like the feeling of being a part of media. it may very well be my calling. not sure yet though. everything changes.

goals? setting goals and ACTUALLY achieving them or seeing the end result... makes me soo happy.

freedom of expression? i'm generally happiest when i wear it on my face (expression = window to my soulllll. lmao.).


--
okay, i got to get packing up for class #2 out of 3. ugh.
play practice after class tonight at 9. full day. i don't know if i'll be ready for the black like me quiz... should have been reading right now! spark notes to be printed later. yay.

i fear a lot of things.

i certainly don't understand a lot of things.

somehow, i'm waiting for the biggest surprise of my life.
for something so good, it would literally make my dreams...
come true.

i could wait for that day to come.

who is that hero in my life?
am i dependent on one guy, or is there something out there for me?

i'm not sure anymore.
i wait in silent reverie.

i wait... for something good.
but i was never good at accepting change, even though change is what i seem to want.

i am my own contradiction.

i don't know how patient i can be.

is it true that good things come to those who wait?
is it true that actions speak louder than words?

i like words.
when i get around to speaking, to writing, to conversing...
i have my on and off days... whether i want to be social or not.

i'm still waiting around for something.
i was never one to really let go.

--
bite my tongue. mark my words.
i am silent
and outspoken.

i am the quiet type, introspective.
i am the social type, an extrovert.

who is the real me? am i a composite of both?
--
who am i allowed to dream about?
how long will i be satisfied with mediocre?
when and how will we grow?
when will dreams come true?
if my dreams come true.

i've lived a life for two people, but i'm just one girl.
one person. trying so hard to understand her life.
and i'll just keep waiting for that something to arrive.

to be the support i need.
and i'll be his support in return.

maybe it's you.
[who?]


--

edit:
this is scary how accurate it is in relation to my life. rawwrr.

Name: Angelica
Date: 3/17/2009
Colorgenics Number: 31074265

You are striving for a life full of activity and experience and, perhaps even more, an environment where you would be able to forge a close bond with a person who can offer full emotional fulfillment.

The way things are you are under considerable stress and you feel that there is little hope of matters righting themselves. Everyone about you seems to aggravate the problem even more. You feel that at this time you need to be alone and you are right - move back and give yourself a chance to breathe.

At times one is burdened with more than one's fair share of problems and this would appear to be your situation at present. But you are adamant - you know what you wish to achieve - and by giving a little and taking a little you may well find that the realization of your dreams could become a reality.

For whatever the reason, you find it extremely difficult to sustain relationships - that is to sustain them in the manner that you would wish. You are a very gentle sort of person, full of feeling, sensitivity and susceptible to love and affection, looking and longing for a partner with whom you can enjoy 'All things bright and beautiful' - someone with whom you can seek out the more esoteric things of life. But up to now this person has only existed in your imagination. You are very choosy, appreciative, refined and extremely artistic in temperament and it is your hope to seek others who will allow you to form and express your own taste and judgement and who at the same time may assist you in your intellectual or artistic growth.

You really would like to be completely uninhibited - to let your hair down - but you are held back by your sense of logic and rationalilty, since you realise that by simple stupidity you could lose everything - whatever that may be.

catch me if you can.

... although recently, it hasn't been too hard to catch me (i guess).

battle of the barrios went well, though no real thanks to me. i've been out of commission for the past week or so. guess ECAASU and Main Event took their toll on me (fatigue! needed sleep!). the flu has subsided and i'm left with a barking cough... but it's whatever.

whatever is this weather we have been having ... ! cold and snow-filled one day, hot and sunny the next. rain to top it all off.

lack of funds to do things i need to do (perhaps this spring break)... like clean my car (finally!) and get an oil change for it...

i need money! grawwrr. so, i tried applying for benihana as a bartender and got interviewed twice. my only problem is my availability - my class schedule doesn't permit me to work lunch hours! it's not my fault.. i can't change my class schedule for this semester, naturally. so yeah, i guess it just isn't meant to be.

on the up side, i got the call back for a job with the Rutgers Student Life Marketing Team - a job for next year (starting end of this semester for fall 09). i guess they liked my "jack-of-all-trades" shhpeeeal during the interview... so they want me on board to help with copywriting, editing, video producing, project ideas, etc. yay!

--

"my dear." "love." "bey." "homie."
i have no problem being called these things in general by different people. it's... whatever. but still. could be nice if it meant something. guys like that are just joking around. they are a big tease. hahah. just. kidding. slightly.

i like a guy who is actually interested in some of the things i say and do. it's only right if the interest is mutual (and i mean... the interest in the respective other's happenings and doings). i know i sure exercise interest in the guy and his happenings... if he's cool like that .

--

as for japan VS abc, the saga continues. for now, i'll just say... "we'll see what happens." i have an interview in the city on tuesday. sent in the non-refundable check to TUJ last week. i'll keep my options open.

as in most things... we'll see what happens.

--

sometimes it's so hard to keep truckin' along... when i see others so happy/content, or those that are struggling as i am... often i just want to stay cooped up and away from social reality (which is very anti-career, very anti-life...very anti-people.)
i think my mood changes with the weather.
i need to get more sunlight. waah .

motivate me to continue.

so.. what do you do when two departments of ABC call? you set up an interview or two during spring break to see what they'll be offering you.

so.. what do you do when you get accepted to TUJ and the deposit check is due in 2 days? you send in the non-refundable deposit to secure your place.

--

so what do you do when you have two exams, a quiz, several homework assignments and a snow day?
you.. study. well, half the time. the other half of the time you spend viewing Main Event videos and editing photos from ECAASU and Main Event. you do what you love because you love the feeling of being one of the press.

yes. welcome to my world - busy? indeed. humble? i try to be. broadcasting my failures along with my talents... possible? there are many who say "create a website. post up your resume, your works, your everything. glorify yourself for potential clients and potential job offers."

i'm nothing in comparison to my colleagues. it takes an amateur to know that much is true. but how do i "glorify" myself to the world wide web without appearing conceited? humility, yes. light-heartedness and fun mixed with a sense of duty.

doing what i love. that's what i'm searching for. my entire college career i've spent trying to search out the kinds of things that i love or will love. i've been going for that "jack-of-all-trades" thing... but eventually i've got to stick to what i'm good at, what i'm passionate about.

my action-packed weekend consisted of ECAASU and Main Event - both great events, both full of lessons for me. ECAASU really spoke to me - and through the workshops and speakers, i took several messages to heart...

...especially when comedian Danny Cho spoke during his workshop. what he said was true: Asian Americans in the media industry rarely get the big break, the luck, the foot in the door. daunting as it may seem to me, i've got to PUSH. he said words of encouragement - that Asian Americans in the industry need to encourage/support one another. none of this hating business. hating on other Asian American groups leads to nowhere.

another thing that hit home was his discussion about the 9-5 "glorified monkeys" position. Asian Americans tend to work the 9 to 5 job experience. they excel. they work their butts off. but still, they are the grunt-workers, the bottom chain. you've got to push for more. if you want to be a leader, if you want to make a name for yourself in any industry, if you want to show that you are capable (as an individual and as a minority)... then PUSH.

Danny jokes around. Humor is an outlet to get people listening. ... but when he gets down to it, he talks about the serious nitty-gritty in making it in the "real world," learning how to play the game of the "real world" and really excel by challenging yourself. expect the challenge. but be humble about it. support others who are trying out there too. entertainers who try to bad-mouth others and try to make it on their own... can't make it.

i know that this life requires networking, a constant drive for something more, and a PUSH. i know that now...

but will i make it? i have to try.

--

ps. the snow makes quite a picture .
i want to make snow angels when i feel better =]
(fever before midterms = eww.)