to my newfound friend :
'if you just hold my hand...
baby i promise i'll do all i can.'


you're sweet, flattering, and whatever.
i'm appreciative at best.
i'm thoroughly confused at worst.


---
it's a trying time for me. i'm simply getting used to just living the way i do; with the facade i try to put up. but i stay up late and i get tired; i sleep when i should work on things. i try to surround myself with friends but i end up feeling alone. i get in trouble with saying what i want to say... and so i continue to shell up even more.

i'm tired. i need to let go. and just let my feelings take over.
i need to search through myself, analyze my reasons for being here,
and love life.
so many things have been put into perspective; i still argue that i'm lucky.
yet i feel a space that i can't take away. a space between me and the rest of the world that's waiting for me.

is this how it was for you?
i know you felt it.
i felt it too.



---
a friend who i worked so hard to bring out of the depths is still here. he claims he realizes his faults, and how much it hurt me to see him hurt.
meanwhile i'm punishing myself for not being with you when you needed someone. when you pulled me aside several times, saying.. these may be the last words you say to me. i wondered why that sounded so strange; at the time, i only thought it was because you were going to be too busy for us, for me... that you were going to 'disappear' from the social realm to focus on other things. i was, at the time, angry at you for doing that to us/me. but i said i'd be there when you returned. i said that.
you called me three times the last week you were here on earth. you asked me to hang out; you were bored with your lab work. you were at the student center. you were at RU but everyone left for MR. PI, so you wanted me to go with you to NYC. you really wanted me to go because you wanted someone with you.
i heard that strange sense of urgency in your voice, yet that distance of feeling detached from us. it wasn't your soft voice. i said i'd let you know if i was going to let you join me on the way to queens.... that i'd call you back in two seconds. i asked if you could go. they said no. so i texted you back, afraid to call you and let you down. you never answered me again.


it's unreal because all i see it you smiling at me with your eyes... sitting in the passenger seat, saying 'you're beautiful.' reaching over and holding me. putting your arm around me for others to see. me feeling so awesome to be yours.
you staying by my side through the cotillion. you sitting next to me during X3. you giving me a card for my birthday.


you. sitting next to me. in the car. talking about your future.
me. picking you up from the train station. hanging out with you.
us. sitting in the car on the way to sonic with marc and gabe.
stuck in endless traffic. having a good time.
us. sitting in the car with our friend breaking down. you, questioning yourself, claiming you can't remember things, claiming you can't fill that void.

you. watching the notebook with me. you. eating that tub of ice cream happily.
you. texting me 'tadaima' ("i'm home") after you got home from being passed out on my floor from drinking too much.
you. telling me stories about girls and drinking and whatnot.

you. being my friend, the way i always wanted us to be.
us.
me.
denying that you were that bad off. focusing only on the one who wore his heart on his sleeve, his pain in his eyes. you. the one who hid it all, and managed to surprise us all when you pulled it off.

us. left behind.
me.
wanting to know what it's like to step off this world. the split second where you told yourself it's over. or that it's just beginning. the split second where you didn't know what to expect next. the split second where you saw something then ceased to see at all.

me. going crazy.
me. losing friends.
me. questioning life.
me. trying. trying to live for you, so that i can continue to tell you later on in life what i've done for myself, and why you'd be proud of me.

me. scared.
me. wanting to live life.
me. wanting to love.
me. wanting to get close to people again, but wondering what tomorrow will bring if i do so.



---
my friend wrote me a letter.. and because of it i felt like i meant something, like i did something to impact a life.
'my mask was broken but i still tried to hide behind it. and now it has cost me so much, hurt me so much, but it hurt someone close to me even more. those words of her, those tears shed from here were all real. all she was trying to do was get me to wake up. i'm slowly awakening, slowly throwing this useless mask of mine. she wants me to smile so bad. it's one simple thing she wants me to do. to be genuinely happy and to smile without the fakeness that has ruled me.'

i see. how was i a hero to you. how did i dig you out of that depth you once were in... i 'saved' you, but ended up staying down there myself. i distanced myself from you so that i wouldn't surround myself with negative people anymore.
and now we're brought back together after finding out that our friend did what neither of us wanted to admit, what you wanted to do but i prevented you from following through...
if i saved you... make it count. make life count.
for the one who brought reality into our lives, the one reality i tried to not let come true.
the act that i once hated with a passion.

---
why did it come true.
why couldn't i save you.